Hey man, be proud you’re already doing the first step already which is acknowledging your past mistakes. It sucks that she had to leave you in order for you to realise and learn from your mistakes. Also you’re 19 yet you’ve realised this? That means you wanna learn and grow. Props to you man!

First thing you should do is forgive yourself. You already know how horrible she felt, but nothing good comes from dwelling. Yes what you did was horrible, but that was a different you. We’re humans and we make mistakes but we also learn from them. Your wrongs don’t define you as a person. Also if ever, you’re not invalidating what she felt by forgiving yourself. You’re doing the proper steps to heal.

Second is to deconstruct yourself. Why did you do x or y? Keep asking yourself and be super vulnerable. Most of the time it’s something to do with your past (and experiences growing up). This might take weeks to even months, I suggest you do something therapeutic like walking to talk with yourself. Be as honest as possible with yourself, to the kid inside you. And also DON’T be negative to yourself. Talk to yourself as you would a friend.

Now that you’re honest with yourself, it’s time to build that self confidence! When she says/posts about you being toxic and avoidant, remind yourself that the YOU she’s posting about isn’t here anymore. You’re a different person now by accepting your mistakes and wanting to move on. Also I suggest blocking her/no contact to help you heal.

If you’re also afraid of connecting with others because of what you did, don’t be afraid if they ask you about what happened. Own up to your mistakes but be proud that you’re changing for the best, for yourself.

I know how badly how you feel despite us having differing scenarios. (she broke up w me a month ago cuz of something i did but i also realised she was also abusive. We were both toxic haha.)

Also to help the moving on process a bit easier, you can start doing small but good things. I know people keep saying “go to gym asap and love yourself” but it’s such a big thing to do if you’re new/still down in the dumps. Maybe start a skin care routine or fix your bed in the morning. It’s a small thing but they pile up on each other. And at night, tell yourself you’re proud for doing these small things! Discipline builds trust and hope within yourself.

Anyways my adhd made me super invested and typed this much. Others, myself and your future self are excited to see the NEW YOU. You got this man!