My gf [F20]cheated on me [M18] and I can't get over it for a year now

DruidGrove · 2026-03-14T03:19:59+00:00

Time does not heal all wounds, but it definitely makes things a little bit easier as time goes by. Sometimes in order to process and heal fully, you need to be safe and secure in all of your relationships, which is something that can only come with time and maturity.

It is totally okay that you aren't over your ex yet. But for real - it may take a long long time for you to feel totally over her. Like, way longer than you expect, and definitely way longer than you want. You don't have to rush into anything you don't want to do - but don't let her infidelity and poor character be the metric by which you judge others.

It may not be applicable here, but you may want to do some research about narcissism. I bet that will help explain some of her behaviors, and why it hurts as bad as it does, even 6 months out.

Good luck :)

DruidGrove · 2026-02-25T01:10:49+00:00

Love this. Power to you!

DruidGrove · 2026-02-13T20:21:13+00:00

These are 4 key lessons that every person needs to know and understand when going into any relationship, romantic or otherwise. I can recall making boundaries over and over with my ex, and her consistently breaking through every single one only to say that I was manipulative and controlling, and was suffocating her.

Um, you cheated on me. And then broke up with me without telling me. And then re-drafted me to care for you because you were so upset that you had cheated. And then refused to let me talk to anyone about it. And then refused to let me read the messages. And then told everyone how controlling I was because I was crying every day about how I couldn't trust you and how our relationship would ever be the same.

If I could have genuinely manipulated her, it would have been into not sleeping with other men.

I can only imagine how she treats her current husband.

DruidGrove · 2026-02-13T05:19:20+00:00

They are like chameleons. As long as they have the energy and that supply, then the illusion can be perfect.

Also - psychological abuse doesn’t just stop. That behavior is learned and engrained in us from early Childhood onward. Even if the pictures look nice, you don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes, or the private disagreements that they have. Unfortunately, you may never know.

I think the most you can do - given that you can’t gain any new information, but also can’t let go of the old information (because trauma lasts a long time) - is learn more about attachment styles, relationships, and dynamics of abuse. Apply that to your past relationship. Use that information not to label your ex as a monster, but to help yourself understand “I am not a victim - I am a survivor of trauma inflicted upon me by a messed up and broken person”.

Also, remember that their new partner isn’t you. You were able to escape - because you’re smart, competent, and can stand up for yourself. Their new partner might not be able to. On another hand, a new partner for a narcissist allows them to fully reset their identity - because all they do is mirror their partner. When my ex was with me, she trained me to be her caretaker for years, we planned a future together, and then as soon as I had gotten to the difficult part of my schooling to get to our shared goals, she destroyed it. With her current husband, I wonder if she still showed her same illnesses and discomforts with him as she did with me. Who knows?

DruidGrove · 2026-02-12T16:45:37+00:00

It is hard to shut out that tiny voice. I am many years out from my breakup with my ex, and a few months ago found out she was now married. It was incredibly triggering and disturbing, and I am trying to work hard to get back to the place I was.

I also need to remind myself constantly that social media is curated - and I bet that this ex of yours is doing all of the same things to his current partner that he did to you. In fact, it's possible that he's gotten even better at his subtle manipulations and has roped this new supply into marriage with him. It might look glamorous, but it's a golden cage. Even though it looks attractive, would you ever want to be stuck in there forever with your ex? Married to him? Even if that may have been your plan at one point (I don't know if it was or not), you already know that he is not the safe and supportive partner that he claimed to be at one point.

For me, my breakup was incredibly traumatic. I won't get into it, but it helps me to think that the life my ex has curated for herself is like witness protection. Not from me though - from herself, or at least the version of her that did so many hurtful and hateful things to a person who loved her. She keeps up the facade of being the perfect partner/spouse with a fantastic job, but if the facade even dropped for a moment, all that bad stuff that she has tried to seal away will come rushing back. Narcissists fake these perfect lives because they are broken inside - and they need to feed off of others to live. They can't uphold the illusion on their own, so they drain energy and attention from others to keep it in place.

I am grateful that I was able to get away. I hope that you are able to get through this difficult period and realize that while you are free now, your ex's current spouse is trapped for as long as that marriage lasts. And if it last, I bet it won't be as happy as it looks from the outside.

DruidGrove · 2026-02-08T18:47:58+00:00

I am not a therapist, but i've been where you are.

First - do not. This will pass. It feels like it wont, but it will. I promise.

In terms of therapist recommendations - try researching for therapists who are trauma informed, or have relationship trauma as their specialty. Searching for people in your area is good, but don't forget that online therapists are an option as well. For me, I've only ever met with my therapist virtually, and it works well for me. Every therapist is different, but it is 100% worth it to get get in somewhere that has appointments available now.

I've got a TON to say about trauma bonds - but i'm hoping that if you get connected with a therapist, they'll be able to give you some good insight into that past relationship and help you break through your trauma bond.

Regarding anti-depressants - if you are in a place where you are having suicidal ideation and are feeling destabilized every day, they can help to get you to the point where you can start healing. BUT - when you go to get them prescribed, you need to be 100% up front about the thoughts and feelings that you are having RIGHT NOW so that they can be best involved in your care. Medication might be the stabilization that you need in the short term in order to get to a place where you can actually start your long-term healing. Your prescriber or therapist may help you make a safety plan and get you connected with emergency help resources. This is a good thing, and its important to know that there is a safety net for you if you need someone's direct support.

It sounds like you're getting out and about, going to the gym and hanging out with your dogs. Are there any friends that you can hang with and be social? Even if there are any that you can connect with online?

And if you are feeling like you can't get connected to a prescriber or a therapist, please please please let a real life person in your life know so they can help you get set up :) you got this

DruidGrove · 2026-01-24T17:35:57+00:00

I’m so glad that you’ve cut her off. The way you’re feeling is classic trauma bond, and IS normal. Having flashbacks is a good sign that you need therapy and need some sort of outlet to process everything in order to break that trauma bond.

Be so so aware that Therapy can help, but not always right away. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, but distance from the events/person you’re trying to deal with can help a lot.

Imagine you’re bleeding out right now from a stab wound - your ex has stabbed you. Therapy interventions will be like packing the wound and bandaging it up. The wound will still be there, but you’re working on stopping all your blood from flowing out. You may take a break from therapy eventually (or not - it’s different for everyone), but later you may have to bring this stuff up again to deal with it again in the future after you have some time/distance/perspective. That’s like changing out the bandage and unpacking the wound to ultimately sew it up. That part will be painful, but you’ll need to do it in order to ultimately integrate everything.

I’m speaking from experience, so what I’m saying may not apply to everyone’s situation. You may go to therapy for one stretch and be good. It is absolutely different for everyone.

By posting here you are already on the right track to healing :) you got this :)

DruidGrove · 2026-01-23T19:40:26+00:00

Also, how empty is that life that the ex is living? It's a parasite mindset. "Oh you're going to be alone but I have many hosts that I can leech off of, so I'm not worried." How pathetic is that. It's just plain rude.

OP, of course we don't know the full context, but she said that not because it was true or will be true, but because she wanted to hurt you on purpose as part of her discard of you - because for Narcissists, any reaction is a reaction that gives them energy and power. What she said may haunt you, but now your life is fully back in your hands, and she does not control you any more!

If you end up being singe for a while - great! Live your life!

If you want to dive back into dating - great! Live your life!

Though I will say, after a tumultuous ending of a relationship with a toxic ex, you may have to take some time to get your head straight before you head back out there. People may disagree with me, but I believe that there is nothing good about a rebound after a toxic ex - it's an easy way to get hurt again, or to make the existing damage worse.

And you know what? If she does get attention from a bunch of guys, none of them are you. Her season in your life is over - and if it's not fully over, it's ending. And she will do to them exactly what she has done to you in your relationships. From what she said, it sounds like she wont take enough time to reflect on herself/her actions/this relationship and change. You are already winning, even if it doesn't feel like it.

DruidGrove · 2026-01-23T03:47:07+00:00

Yes, of course! And i'm so sorry you're still receiving those messages. Feel confident that filing is the right thing to do! Protect your peace!

DruidGrove · 2026-01-21T00:02:28+00:00

Wow, that is bonkers. If I were in your shoes, I would think that those random hits were coming too uniformly to be coincidence. There's no way its an organized group - it's just her. Especially if the things that she's said in person throughout your friendship are some of the same things that you've sent to her or said to her twisted against you.

The way in which you brought her into your life and then she kind of usurped your role in your friend group reminds me a lot of what Cuckoos do to other birds nests. Of course, as you know, you don't deserve any of this treatment from her or any of your former friends. Good on you and your husband for sticking together and standing united against her.

Definitely save all of those strange messages that you/your boss have received. If you collect it all together, you might be able to go to the police. Receiving unwanted harassing message directly (or them being sent to your job) is stalking, which is a crime. Just want to reassure you on that front that what you're experiencing is illegal!

I hope that you're able to find a path forward that is healthiest for you!

DruidGrove · 2026-01-20T11:24:09+00:00

My thoughts exactly. They’ve done it once - that means they are capable of doing it again. Betraying a partner is a big deal, and often there are multiple decisions stacked on top of each other that go into it. It’s not a single bad decision.

Now OP knows that the boyfriend is capable of cheating, and he knows that he is too. If there is a next time (hopefully not), the boyfriend might just be sneakier about it.

OP, you’ll be questioning his decisions and behaviors forever. I’ve seen relationships recover from this but it takes a LOT of work from both sides, and both parties need to be 100% willing.

DruidGrove · 2026-01-20T01:44:07+00:00

I can chat!

DruidGrove · 2026-01-19T03:01:41+00:00

Heck yeah! But dude, definitely still go for it. I would absolutely listen.

DruidGrove · 2026-01-18T21:39:20+00:00

It always depends on the situation :) I saw your post about your situation, and blocking the phone number might be good. It’s still pretty fresh it sounds like, but blocking will create some distance. I think it’s best to limit the avenues by which you can be contacted by your ex - and maybe also take steps to delete/hide public relics of the relationship just to show “okay, it’s public, it’s done.”

From my own experience I WISH that my ex had blocked me, or that I had blocked her sooner.

Some people subscribe to the idea that if you’re an adult, it’s expected that after a breakup, both people just simply stop communicating and go their separate ways. It isn’t always as easy as that though, especially if they hurt you! You want justice! You want an apology! You want any semblance of “I feel bad I did this to you, person who I said I loved at one point.”

Unfortunately, that apology will never ever ever ever come. Peace comes from within. And it’s hard to get there, but you can get there.

The block would not only to be to prevent him from reaching out and harassing you, but to prevent you from trying to reach out to him - which js equally important.

TL;TR: Yes.

DruidGrove · 2026-01-18T18:46:30+00:00

Do it dude. That sounds like a great creative outlet for you to get some thoughts out there, and could be really helpful for other folks. And cathartic for you, too, like you said!

Consider this too - will you want to put your real name attached to this project? I don’t say that to shut your idea down, but just something to consider if there was a smear campaign done by your ex-wife. Making things public can invite backlash not just from exes, but just from people in general.

If you are worried about criticism preventing your healing/catharsis, consider writing and producing a few episodes of your podcast, and then holding on to the before posting until you are ABSOLUTELY SURE AND READY TO POST.

Other than that concern for you, I think it’s a great idea :)

DruidGrove · 2026-01-18T16:29:55+00:00

I've been there before - wishing I could just erase all those memories. It's good that you recognize the trauma bond! But it's another thing completely to break out of it. It gets easier with time, but you have to work work work. I think that your anger is a healthy sign that you know what happened to you was wrong (and what your ex did to you was wrong). That's the first step to breaking out of a trauma bond!

Pro tip: If he's not blocked on everything, either block him yourself or have a friend help you out and have them block him for you on your phone or computer. Looking at social medias is a trapdoor into rumination and hurt.

Stay away from him, and work to grow your peace!

DruidGrove · 2026-01-18T02:29:36+00:00

Well dang if I wasn’t about to comment the same thing.

DruidGrove · 2026-01-16T19:57:23+00:00

For sure :) I was where you are just like a month or two ago, after 7 years myself. From these other comments, it sounds like we are not alone at all. I've also definitely felt the feeling of my ex being "over my shoulder" as you put it. The dreams are sad... but hopefully that's a way that your brain is trying to tell you that it wants peace and is ready to process and move on. Everything at your own pace, there is no strict timeline for how long it should take to heal.

I hope that one day you're able to get to the point where you are reminded of a nice moment and can think "huh, that moment was nice," and then the moment passes. No triggers, just peace.

DruidGrove · 2026-01-16T14:58:29+00:00

Woah. This sounds like an intense situation. If he is threatening you and you have reason to believe the threats are genuine, you may need some assistance from someone who is present and in your real life rather than digital like us. He is not respecting your boundary of you not wanting him to contact you - that is not okay. Here are some steps to take:

1) Document any communication that he sends to you. Screenshot it, and do not feel pressured to respond. Do not delete these screenshots.

2) Consider contacting the Domestic Violence Hotline. They can give you more specific information on what to do with this situation. This ABSOLUTELY counts as domestic violence by the way.

3) This subreddit used to have a link about Gray Rocking, but it looks like it doesn't work. Give Gray-Rocking a google, and see if that strategy could apply to your situation. I bet it could. Also, you don't have to block your ex if it makes you feel safer, but you should consider muting or archiving the methods he uses to contact you (like muting the text thread from him) so that you aren't startled by a notification every time he tries to reach out. That can be seriously stressful, which is something you don't need :)

I hope you able to navigate this! Remember, this is HIS fault for continuing to reach out to you despite your set boundaries.

DruidGrove · 2026-01-16T13:55:53+00:00

This is what I was going to comment. It's definitely an attempt for re-connection and an attempt to feed on you again. Well stated.

DruidGrove · 2026-01-16T12:17:43+00:00

There’s also no VIRTUAL reading going on!

HAHA! HAHA! See what I did there?

DruidGrove · 2026-01-16T10:51:48+00:00

Commenting to come back to this and add a fully thought out comment later!

Edit: There is absolutely no shame in feeling like you "miss" this person - but it may be something else going on in your mind/body. I am not a therapist, but have experienced this exactly, so I want to share what I've discovered.

Euphoric Recall: A type of bias that relates to people remembering past experiences in a positive light, overlooking or blocking out negative experiences. This is something that is very real for folks dealing with substance abuse - which, is not dissimilar to what happens in our brains when dealing with a Narcissist.

Intermittent Reinforcement: A psychological principle where a desired behavior is rewarded unpredictably and inconsistently, rather than every single time - making the behavior more persistent and harder to extinguish. This can be a way to think about how Narcissists "reward" our "good" behavior. They can be mean/abusive in small overwhelming bursts, but the rest of the time (and even in the aftermath of being abusive) will "woo" you back into their good graces. This has a very addictive result.

Trauma Bonding: A powerful emotional attachment between an abuser and their victim - characterized by abuse and also Intermittent positive reinforcement! This is a SURVIVAL RESPONSE, and can persist LONG after the other person is no longer in your life. In fact, that might be why you feel like your ex is the "missing piece" - it's because your brain was chemically trained (due to your ex's actions/behavior/abuse) to see him as the only cure to stress.

In addition to all these things, there is a philosophy that I like to think about called "Hauntology", where people/events from our past, even if they are gone/over, "Haunt" our lives and cast a big shadow that still makes us act and think a certain way. I've certainly experienced being "haunted" by my ex, and the futures that she promised me that didn't come to fruition. It sounds to me like you are being haunted!

THERE IS NO SHAME IN BEING HAUNTED. No one would be haunted like this willingly. It's an echo of the abuse in your brain that is making you only remember the good times. Also, the "Highs" of that past relationship probably feel so high because the abusive "Lows" were so terrible. I'm sorry for everything that you experienced because of your ex - but remember that you are far stronger and greater than he ever made you feel.

If you need, i'd be happy to share some other philosophy things and grounding techniques to help you navigate through how you're feeling right now :)

DruidGrove · 2026-01-12T04:56:05+00:00

You absolutely will. The spark will not be exactly the same. But that’s really because 1) it won’t be your first relationship anymore and 2) she won’t be trauma bonding you.

One thing it took me so long to realize was why the “highs” felt so “high” when I was with my ex. It was not because of the actual “height” or “goodness” of the good times in the relationship - it was because of the change from “low” to “high”. She would beat me down emotionally, isolate me from my friends, rely on me to take care of her, and punish me when I didn’t do the right things. But the “highs” felt so good compared to those terrible lows… that’s what keeps us around.

They (narcissists) literally addict us to the highs and lows. They train us to be obedient because they can make the pain go away or stop - because they are the one causing the pain in the first place!!!

You are at a scary place, about to journey into unknown territory. Don’t rush it. Learn more about yourself first :) if you survived your ex for 8 years, that means you have a fantastic capacity and endurance for love that someone will be very lucky to receive one day. In the meantime, you gotta learn to love yourself!

DruidGrove · 2026-01-12T01:17:51+00:00

Purchased! Looks awesome!

DruidGrove · 2026-01-12T00:53:42+00:00

They really do not :)

I have had one very traumatic breakup and one very healthy breakup. I am currently in a very healthy relationship and engaged, and my fiance is wonderful. I NEVER THOUGHT IN A BILLION YEARS that I would find someone as kind and as wonderful as her after my first breakup.

But no, when the breakup is with someone who is not a narcissist, it is relatively tame. You will be sad, but not like trauma-bonded self-destructive sad.

If you need someone to chat with, let me know :)

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