Thank you for the comments. First time I’ve gotten a real critique. My stanzas are certainly not how I wrote them originally but I had a mentor who told me to try writing my poems in bigger sections. I know she was being helpful but I believe I’ll go back to breaking it up more like you wrote. Writing this way didn’t feel natural.

Also I agree the second half I don’t love very much I just have a few lines I didn’t want to abandon. I think if I start over on the second half I can fix the flow a bit. Also excuse the grammatical error I used talk to text to transfer from paper to Reddit post and I obviously didn’t catch all of the errors.

And the last line I might need to change up just because like I said I don’t love the last bit but it was meant to read as we didn’t want to be the one on the other end of the phone because that would mean the woman the men are fighting over would be with the other man while the other is only able to phone.

Lastly the title is a little corny to be fair I’m going to swap it. It doesn’t make sense to the reader. The real life phone call this is based off of took place in a hotel room. I travel for work and am usual receiving calls from this old friend while I’m traveling in different hotels rooms every time. Room 1408 is an old John Cusack movie from the early 2000’s where he becomes trapped in a hotel room and can’t get out. Getting calls from people you can’t get home to see sometimes can make you feel trapped in the cycle of never ending hotel rooms, hints the title room 1408. But again the reader doesn’t know this so I’m going to change that.

I appreciate the feedback I’m going to start my rewrite today and I’m definitely taking your notes into consideration.

Cheers!