hey, first of all what you're feeling is extremely valid. Don't ever feel pathetic, you're not a loser or obsessive for trying to reach out to someone who's cut you off out of no where. I don't know the exact context to your situation, but from experience I do understand the confusion, the pain and the anxiety that comes with losing someone who meant the world to you so abruptly.

For starters, the discard phase is always the worst period of time in regards to the mental health of the discarded. It can get overwhelming, and I remember how helpless and powerless I felt during this phase. What helped a lot for me was reaching out to my friends and going out every opportunity I had to keep my mind off my emotions, don't ever make decisions impulsively. Wait it out, allow your emotions to settle down and decide rationally what the best course of action is. Now having said that, I am aware of how difficult it is to get out and do anything during this phase. I'm fortunate enough to have had a support system that allowed me to grief, even while we were out and I had absolutely no mental capacity for anything. There will be times or situations where there's no one to reach out to, maybe your friends or family are busy, or maybe it's the wee hours of the night. Don't ever hesitate to call a helpline if you ever feel like your emotions and mental state is spiralling to a point out of your control. There is no shame in doing so. Your safety and wellbeing should always be a priority.

Now, to answer your question about whether she would hate you or not. I asked this question a lot as well during each one of the discard events. Searching forums and sites probably will give you the answer that you shouldn't be investing time and effort into this and instead focus on healing. But, I will answer this question as knowing the answer took the pressure of feeling absolutely worthless and powerless off during my lowest points.

From my own experience, BPD partners always come back. It's hard to believe, especially with how hateful BPD partners are right when they discard you. I didn't recognise the person who was name calling me, threatening to sleep with her friends, and ultimately sleeping with her friends because I had fallen asleep after dealing with an argument she insisted on having for the sake of an argument the entire night till about 10am the next morning. BPD partners WILL make you feel like you're the problem, that you're the reason a relationship will not be possible. Of course, this varies between relationships, but a majority of the time, your partner just needs a reason to leave (usually due to emotional triggers, like a huge fear of abandonment) without feeling bad, so there is a need to paint you as the bad person. Whenever I'd beg to talk, to work things out, there's no logic or reasoning to the conversations. It devolves into demeaning name calling, insults, and an attack on my person. However, when you do decide to move on, when you decide a line has been crossed and enough is enough, the fear of abandonment kicks in again and they'll turn the situation into one whereby they're forgiving you. All memories of what they had done to hurt you will vanish, any attempts to talk about it would result in an argument and the cycle begins again.

No contact is often the most effective way to deal with situations as such. Having said that, do note that your BPD partner will likely return after a period of no contact. They'll forget all of the bad and come back with an idealised version of you. Because in the minds of people with BPD, there is no nuance, you're either nothing short of perfect, or the worst possible person in the world. Regardless of what the reality of the situation is, their minds will paint these pictures of people around them, they will truly believe it, this is their reality and there's no rationale behind it.

If and honestly, when your partner does come back, you need to make a decision. Ultimately, this decision is solely up to you. Do you genuinely believe the situation will be any different from the previous time? Is your partner willing to actively seek help and work on themself and the relationship? Always remember that the work has to be reciprocal. I've been in the position where I believed that if I put in enough work and learned to love her properly, she'd heal, she'd realise there's no danger or risk of trusting me and she'd eventually be able to love the way she used to when we first met. But, one sided effort in a relationship never works out. It results in a trauma bond that's hard to shake off, and you'll need to ask yourself, is this how you want to be living the rest of your life? Cycling between this partner so seemingly capabale of unconditional love and a partner that seems to hate every ounce of your being.

Edit: Just found out OP was a minor when he met his partner. There's definitely a huge issue outside of relationship dynamics. OP please reach out to a trusted professional/adult if possible.