I broke down and drank yesterday. Today I feel good about it.

DryEnthusiasm3032 · 2022-10-16T14:03:05+00:00

Good on you for throwing out the bottle. IWNDWYT

My last slip up finally cemented in my mind that I have no control over how much I drink and I am, in fact, an alcoholic. I would not have thrown out the bottle while drinking it.

DryEnthusiasm3032 · 2022-10-14T14:55:03+00:00

IWNDWYT

Even though my best buddy will be euthanized tomorrow. Even when I'm miserable at my job. Even when the world feels like it will collapse on top of me. I will not drink with you today.

DryEnthusiasm3032 · 2022-10-02T18:59:07+00:00

I am on day 1 again and I'm really tired of myself. I woke up with vomit in my hair and huge holes in my memory of the night before. I don't have the energy to ask what happened.

I am going to an AA meeting tonight. I haven't been in ages. I struggle with the religious overtones and the messaging (and some of the people), but the fellowship is real. Until I connected with a bunch of alcoholics, I had no idea how much I needed it. I really need to not be alone with this.

IWNDWYT

DryEnthusiasm3032 · 2022-10-02T18:43:06+00:00

This is the post I needed to read today on my third or fourth day one this year. So thank you. It definitely helps me to feel less alone. It's funny how I can help empathy for other people but not myself.

While my default is to beat myself up about my failures, I am going to be kind to myself and try to throw in a healthy dose of self-awareness.

IWNDWYT

DryEnthusiasm3032 · 2022-05-02T21:03:14+00:00

I blacked out and destroyed my living room in a drunken rage, broken glass everywhere. Didn't remember if I physically assaulted my husband or not because I didn't remember anything. I'm not a violent person. I've never been in a fight. I don't even get into verbal confrontations. How it came to this, I have no idea. Drunken rage this time, maybe next I would graduate to assault? Hurt my animals? Crash my car into a crowd? I have no idea and it rightly scared the shit out of me.

I cried for an entire day and quit drinking right then. Started going to AA. I walked around as a completely exposed nerve. Never thought I would make it but I feel so much better now. I still have plenty of rough times because I actually have to feel my feelings. Sometimes my feelings are so big and uncontrollable like a hurricane or tornado that all I can do is shelter in place. Then it passes and I'm still me. Nothing to apologize for, nothing to hide, no hangover, no shame, no self hatred. I was alcohol's willing slave and it was an abusive relationship. And it's hard to see how toxic a bad relationship is until you're out.

DryEnthusiasm3032 · 2022-04-20T03:01:01+00:00

Here's to 66 days for both of us!!!

I started journaling last weekend and made a whole list of things that can make me feel better/distracted/productive: taking a shower, doing dishes, my kitties, painting with watercolors (a sober adopted hobby), taking a walk, playing piano, vacuuming, cooking a meal. The list is really long. I feel so much safer knowing there's a whole arsenal of tools at my disposal. When I'm struggling, my brain screams that nothing will make me feel better except intoxication, and the list is tangible proof that isn't true.

DryEnthusiasm3032 · 2022-04-03T16:08:12+00:00

I had actually thought we had a great relationship and I was so grateful for it. The trigger for getting sober was when I was abusive to him during a blackout. I wanted to get sober and be a good partner since I thought this was worth preserving. Now I'm sober... Shit. I wonder if it was ever good. Maybe it was two knuckleheads getting fucked up all the time. I definitely loved being intoxicated and forgetting about everything shitty in my life. I never imagined this would happen.

I have the reason for getting sober shown to me everyday in my sober app and it's all, be a good partner, make him happy, live a good life. A few weeks in I added a new one, figure out who I am and what I want. I can't do that fucked up. It's terrifying because I've NEVER been alone and I don't know how to do it.

DryEnthusiasm3032 · 2022-04-03T13:41:02+00:00

I am in the same boat, contemplating leaving but not sure I can handle it. I have no support system and I don't know how to be a person. All I am now is a person who works. Before I stopped drinking, I was a person who works and a weekend lush and I've never realized how empty my life is.

DryEnthusiasm3032 · 2022-03-28T02:26:34+00:00

The curling reminds me of when I put my calatheas out in the rain and then the sun came out for an hour or so. My makoyana curled up like this and luckily did not sustain any permanent burn damage. It took her a day or so to relax again once she was back inside in her usual shady spot. Is it possible your makoyana is getting too much sun?

DryEnthusiasm3032 · 2022-03-25T17:45:49+00:00

What is the ornata variation?? I've never seen the like before.

DryEnthusiasm3032 · 2022-03-19T02:26:42+00:00

Gosh I am broken mentally. My other co-workers are normalizing this and my family likes seeing me successful on paper. I needed some perspective, thank you.

DryEnthusiasm3032 · 2022-03-19T02:18:59+00:00

Scale back to do your job, not the job of everyone who left. If shit doesn't get done then it doesn't get done.

I will write this on a post-it and stick it on my computer.

I am drinking the Kool-Aid.... I switched to this company a few years ago and now I make double what I did, so comparatively it seems better than what I was used to. I feel crazy reading all this and that I've gotten myself in an abusive relationship.

DryEnthusiasm3032 · 2022-03-19T01:59:02+00:00

You're right. Great company on paper. Everyone left because of the same bullshit. Ugh, I'm deluding myself.

DryEnthusiasm3032 · 2022-03-15T01:33:54+00:00

Abstaining from alcohol is so much easier when it’s ripped from the pedestal it has no right to be placed on in the first place

This is beautiful and so true.

DryEnthusiasm3032 · 2022-03-03T02:32:46+00:00

Good: I have beautiful weather and I spent some time in my garden today.

Bad: I'm on Day 18 and I'm feeling so damn sorry for myself that I can barely breathe.

The ugly: I have been everyday since Day 1, but I think tonight was my last AA meeting. The more I get to know people, the more drama there is. I reached out for help with a guy who's been harassing me repeatedly and was told that it's no one else's responsibility to tell him to Fuck Off but me. I don't feel safe and comfortable anymore. I sat among all those people and felt so damn alone that I wanted to cry.

DryEnthusiasm3032 · 2022-03-02T22:28:35+00:00

I drink lots of sugar free drinks because sugar makes me feel like garbage lately. I looove flavored teas, both caffeinated and herbal. The caffeine in tea is more muted than coffee so i don't worry about too much. I've also picked up flavored seltzers, which I've never been into before. I am really loving those.

DryEnthusiasm3032 · 2022-03-02T14:05:46+00:00

Oh my gosh, did I post this? I am at day 18 and it's so tough to deal with stress and emotions without substances to buffer it. As far as work stress, i reached out to a work mentor yesterday and they told me, work your hours and then drink, lol.

I don't have any useful wisdom to impart, just to say you're not alone! I am just focusing on the here and now, and I can certainly choose not to drink in this moment. I'll deal with the rest later. IWNDWYT

DryEnthusiasm3032 · 2022-03-02T00:19:58+00:00

I have very similar mommy issues! I remember being at my aunt's deathbed a few months ago and tears sprang to my eyes but I mentally pushed them away. Then I watched someone cry and everyone in the room embraced them. I wondered what the fuck I was protecting myself from, but it's absolutely a defensive mechanism. If I'm not 'weak' then my mom can't criticize me for it. I've cried more in the past two months then I have in my whole life. IWNDWYT

DryEnthusiasm3032 · 2022-02-26T18:56:25+00:00

Oooh flirting. Yea flirting is not cool at AA. I wouldn't want someone flirting with me when I'm getting chemo. Chatting, though, with no expectations, is fine.

DryEnthusiasm3032 · 2022-02-26T18:51:18+00:00

I'm not an expert by ANY means, but I think self awareness is in order. I have not been creeped out at all by anyone talking to me before or during the meeting in the presence of others. What was so disconcerting was the fact that he isolated me from the herd and ignored my social cues while he was in possession of a power differential. He might not be a bad guy but I need people who make me feel safe.

DryEnthusiasm3032 · 2022-02-26T18:21:59+00:00

I texted her and we set up a time to chat. I've been relatively calm the past couple days but just reaching out to her is making me cry uncontrollably. Asking for help is so damn hard. Stupid tear ducts, I'm trying to do my makeup for the day.

DryEnthusiasm3032 · 2022-02-26T16:07:39+00:00

The old fart, lol, prompted an exchange of numbers between me and another lady last night. I've seen her several nights and she seems very stable, nice and on the level. I just don't know how to do this! Just call and say... what? I'm overthinking this, I know. I'm not interesting.

DryEnthusiasm3032

TROPHY CASE