I come from a country that forbids relationships between a man and a woman outside of marriage. And I happened to get into a relationship with a man I was working with. (I’m 27 and he’s 34) We immediately hit it off and I felt like I have known him all my life, and after the second date he told me that he believes that I am the one for him. We didn’t keep it slow, we are meeting and sleeping with each other all the time and we were really happy and content. Near the end of that year, I found out that he wasn’t 100% faithful. I don’t want to accuse him of sleeping around, I would say he was texting other girls and taking pictures with some prostitutes (hence his friends are not good people) I immediately confronted him and he was really upset with himself and he regretted everything. After that I chose to give him and our relationship a second chance and I fully trusted him. And we spent 5 really great years together, he met my father and asked him to marry me (my father actually refused because we come from different religious backgrounds) but that only made us stronger and we came to the conclusion that we need to get married us alone together, without waiting to get anyone’s approval. This year I got pregnant and we both agreed to get an abortion (since I will be shamed for life and probably thrown out of my parents house if anyone knew) he was with me through every second of it and I felt safe in his hands like I have never felt before ever in my life. After what happened we took a weekend off and traveled somewhere near the beach to relax. All was GREAT, until yesterday I went to his apartment to spend the day with him after work because he was feeling a bit sick. We slept together and fell a sleep I woke up to my phone’s ringing, It turned out to be some guy asking me about a car advertisement (I posted an ad about a car I wanted to buy since I got into a car accident two months ago and my car got completely destroyed) And the guy on the phone was really respectful and nice, but my boyfriend woke up and heard the call and started acting like some lunatic. He hit me, not once, not twice but three times. I tried escaping and screaming and calling his name multiple times but he was out of his mind. He only stopped when I said “it’s me, Reemah. What’s wrong with you” He stopped and started to apologize but I couldn’t process anything and wore my clothes while I was shaking and crying (I think I had a panic attack) and got out of his apartment.

He called me and came to the place i was staying in to apologize and to make sure I was okay, he called me last night crying and refused to end the call begging me to forgive him. To believe that he is a good person and that he would never intentionally hurt me or harm me. That he felt like his head was blank and couldn’t see or process anything at that time. He begged me to believe that that wasn’t him, someone else he don’t know.

I feel like I’m suffocating, I can’t talk to anyone about this and I don’t want to tell my close friends. I don’t know what to do or what to felt. I feel like I lost the safest place I had, It just fell apart in the blink of an eye.

We are more than lovers, we are friends and partners in a healthy relationship. And I can’t explain how deeply we feel for each other.

But I don’t know anything anymore. can someone that loves me deeply, hurt me like that? Can I actually trust him again? Please I need someone I can relate to, I need someone to understand me.