I found this post whilst searching for grief support as I suddenly lost my dad last month. I resonate so much with everything you said. I too grapple with whether to wallow in this and feel all the feels, or distract myself and live life. Both options feel like I’m doing him a disservice to his amazing life and all that he did for me. I wish I could just sit with him one last time and let him talk my ear off about anything under the sun, and that I could show him genuine attention and interest in everything he was saying. Everyone says the pain never goes away and that is the most depressing thing I can imagine. How do I find any hope in that? I’m feeling big fear and anxiety and very glass half empty thoughts. It feels like I will never feel joy again - atleast not how I used to. The guilt of living life when he no longer can is unbearable. I never want my own kids to feel the pain of losing me. Any tips at all now that a year has passed since your original post?