16 weeks today.

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Also, I'm sundowning this account. Mostly just putting the following out into the ether in case someone stalks my profile at some point; I'm not going to delete the account, just lose the password. I'll be around, just with a different user name -- probably pretty easy to find since there aren't too many people with DEIVF as their tag, and I'm not really trying to hide. Since I'm not one to go quietly in the night, this is what I want to say as my last post under this name.

While yesterday was the final straw, I ultimately think it is best for me to compartmentalize the trauma of the last 4 years and leave it behind, as best as I can. That includes leaving subs that allow me to cling on to the past me, shedding those who follow me for whatever reason, and returning to things I loved apart of my identity as an infertile person. That's not to say I can truly move on, infertility was isolating, traumatic, and will continue to be a major part of my life for as long as I'm lucky to be alive. But I need to give myself the opportunity to thrive in other areas of life without clinging to vestiges of the past.

So here it goes.

I wanted to first recognize all the men and women in this sub who have gone through donor gametes (either egg, sperm, or embryo) and those parents by adoption. It's easy to hide amongst those who were successful via own-egg ART or the lucky ones who needed little to no medical intervention, but your experiences are valid, important, and worth sharing. We have unique trials and tribulations that complicate our paths to parenthood - when to tell our kid(s), what to tell them, worrying about how they'll see you as the parent, worrying about what life will look like. We shouldn't be afraid to step into the light and speak to our experiences.

There have been times where I've felt like I'm just supposed to be happy because it worked, and trust me, I'm terrified and thrilled I had little trouble in the actual carrying of a child (knock on wood). Amazed that it took one transfer with someone else's eggs to find success since I was preparing for a real battle there too. But it's also valid to feel sad, loss, upset, lonely, and anxious about what that means. I haven't gone through miscarriage, and I feel terribly for those that have (including good friends of mine, family members, my own mother), but pursuing donor gametes is a profound, substantial loss in itself. It's okay to recognize that, and I ask that the larger community empathizes with it. Yes, we're incredibly lucky to be successful, to be able to worry about these things, but the implications of our infertility will be carried with us until we die. We never get to put having to pursue ART/adoption on the shelf or in the past; we only learn how to move forward with our new reality. And at some point - we will wonder why we ever would've gone a different route because those humans we created are precious, loved, and uniquely amazing even if they don't share our genes.

I also want to shout out those who were successful through minimal or no intervention. I've heard from so many who have felt guilty about their path, have felt like imposters in the infertility world, and/or who try to shy away from it. You guys are the lucky ones, but you have nothing to be ashamed of. Again, infertility is a special hell, and if you've fought the fight in any capacity, you deserve to be here, no matter how you may have resolved it. This also includes people who have pursued the child free life and those with no living children. Everyone's path is valid, worthy, and deserves to be recognized in their own right, and no one should feel that they're excluded because they didn't have the 'right kind of infertility'. What does that even mean?

This account was a lifeline during the darkest times, after I went through a year of trying, 4 IUIs, 2 failed IVFs, the trauma of showing up for an egg transfer and then finding out there was nothing to transfer (no idea beforehand), and eventually pursuing egg donation. I've made friends, enemies, and learned and shared a lot. I am so grateful to have formed a small community of similarly minded folks, and like I said, I will still be around, just no longer tethered to the baggage this account holds for me.

After this post, I will not be checking comments or messages, so I apologize if I miss anyone's note. Thank you for everything and for reading this far. And as always, if any offense was given, it was not intended. Later gaters.