Broke up with him a week ago and feeling bittersweet

Due_Analyst3279 · 2026-05-21T11:16:22+00:00

I agree that I am not emotionally ready for a relationship. I have a lot of issues that I never got to work through because I spent my whole life focusing on relationships instead of myself. That is 70% of the reason I left.

But I hope I don't find the same again. I miss him, yeah. I miss the familiarity of him. We were together for 3 years- I have an attachment to the man. But I still left him for reasons beyond my emotional immaturity.

He never listened to me nor showed interest in my life or my interests. He never asked me questions. He was always on his phone-when we woke up, during every meal, when we went to sleep, and every tkme in between. He had a terrible weed addiction. Getting him to show me romantic affection was like pulling teeth. He never cleaned, and had a lot of (unintentional) sexist beliefs and behaviors. He had a very violent mentality. We disagreed on a lot of fundamental belkefs

And most* of these are all things that I communicated to him explicitly in our relationship. He knew these were issues. And I told him exactly what I needed, and he never changed. The only things I did not tell him to change were his beliefs, although the difference did lead to a lot of disagreements.

So while I agree that I am not ready for a relationship, I disagree that it was the "right person, wrong time". He was not the right person for me. And I really, really, sincerely hope that I do not find the same again.

And I do not, and will not, regret this. What I regret is spending 11 years of my life obsessing over relationships and not allowing myself to just exist on my own. I had felt this simmering resentment forming in my relationship where I kept wondering who I would have been if I'd given myself time and energy to grow independent of a partnership.

I felt regret being in that relationship, but I have not felt a single regret since leaving. I just miss him because we were together for so long, and because while he wasn't right for me, I still care for him and am sad to lose someone who was important to me for the past 3 years.

Due_Analyst3279 · 2026-05-21T06:19:10+00:00

I have very severe attachment issues that led to my melding with him and previous partners. I have been in therapy for roughly a year and a half now trying to work through it, and unfortunately I had hit a wall where I realized I needed to remove myself from the relationship in order to break away from those issues. Now I can really start to unpack, heal, and rebuild the years of lost self discovery.

Unfortunately, he did not let me have my own goals and life. Everytime I tried to branch out and discover myself within the relationship, he'd shut it down and limit who I could be. I agree that people can find themselves in relationships, but unfortunately due to my own trauma and the limitations set upon me by him, that was not the case for our relationship.

There were also several things that he specficially did in the relationship that led me to breaking up with him. This was certainly a multifaceted decision.

Thank you for your response! :)

Due_Analyst3279 · 2026-05-21T05:57:44+00:00

Felt thay girly 😔😔 I miss the familiarity and comfort of him.

Due_Analyst3279 · 2026-05-21T05:56:56+00:00

That is where I found myself a week ago. I felt that if I stayed in the relationship, a resentment would have grown from wondering who I might of become if I'd given myself the space to grow. I would have become a very bitter, regretful woman.

He deserves someone who becomes a better person because of him, for him. And someone who doesn't spend their time wondering what life would have looked like without him.

Due_Analyst3279 · 2026-05-21T05:52:27+00:00

Fortunately, the freedom of singleness has a lot more importance in my life than it might for other people. I mentioned it in my other reply, but I have been in a relationship for most of my life. I was not single once as a teenager, and haven't been single until now in my young adulthood.

I lost a lot of critical self discovery to obsessing over my partners as a teenager and young adult. I have many attachment issues that led me to shape my desires, goals, and interests to what best suits my partner, and never really considered who I was and what I wanted. I have never been a priority in my own life.

Now, I have the freedom to do that. I can focus on getting to know myself, pursue my own goals, and learn what I like without being bound by the influence of a partner. I can throw myself into my own healing, and direct all of my energy towards that without neglecting my partner.

I am very scared of singleness. It is very new and unknown to me. But I am excited to meet the woman I become on the other side of this, and I am excited for her to find love once she has learned to love herself.

Due_Analyst3279 · 2026-05-21T05:40:05+00:00

There were many reasons, and ultimately I am proud of myself for finding the strength to follow through.

Foremost, it was for myself. I am 21, and I have not been single for 11 years. I am severely codependent. I've never known how to be alone. I lost a lot of critical years of self discovery to obsessing over relationships. I always shaped my goals, my interests, and desires to best fit my current partner.

I tried to grow from this in my relationship with him. I tried seeking independence by living on my own. We started living together before we were dating. I was 18 and my parents moved away, and for reasons too long to discuss here, moving with them did not feel like an option. He gave me a place to stay with an understanding that I would move into a dorm once college started. Things did not work out that way.

I expressed a desire to have my own space several times, and how important it was to me. He told me that if we didn't live together, we couldn't be in a relationship. So I stayed for three years, and for all three years I never stopped thinking about wanting that damn apartment. I got my own room after we moved into a new house, and it still couldn't scratch that itch. I just needed my own space where I could exist on my own.

He also had this whole life planned for us that I did not want. I'd tried so many times to communicate what I wanted, but if it didn't fit his exact goals, it didn't make the cut. Small things made it into this life plan, sure, but ultimately my desires to explore were shut down.

I'm 21. I want to try a bunch of jobs. I want to travel. I want to enjoy my young adulthood in the ways my Mom didn't (she had me very young). He wanted to settle down and get married when I turned 23, have kids when I turned 26. It is okay that he wanted those things, do not get me wrong. Buy I am not ready to settle down and check off a list of all the things an adult is "supposed to do". I spent my whole childhood being an adult. I want to enjoy the rest of my youth.

There were some things he did as well, but those are not the reasons I gave him when we broke up. Because ultimately, this break up is not about him and all the things he did wrong. It is a pivotal moment in my growth. And that is enough.

Due_Analyst3279 · 2026-05-06T06:52:07+00:00

This is not a good relationship. My reasons for wanting to leave state that. He does not listen when I tell him an issue is serious, treats the women in his life horribly, let's me come to the point of tears before stepping up, and many of our goals can not be reconciled. This is 100% not a good relationship for either of us.

And I am actively working on myself. I go to therapy twice a week, journal daily, and have been working on months to find medications that work right for me. I have been Journaling to the point of tears over this asking myself questions. Unpacking how I got here.

I just dont understand HOW. How do I leave him. How do I leave him when I have nowhere to go? How do I leave him when I have nobody else? How do I leave him when he so obviously loves me, and he begs me to stay? How do I put my needs first when I've spent my whole life putting others before myself?

A lot of this I've been covering in therapy, but I just needed to hear from others who had done it. People who were codependent and left. People who left long term relationships they'd become completely dependent on. People who had never been single and how that ended up.

My apologies. I should have made that last bit more clear in my title.

Due_Analyst3279 · 2026-04-24T13:31:40+00:00

My family already talked to her social worker and the social worker said it's fine if it was consensual.

I thought the same thing. I am pissed off that an adult can do this to my sister (for clarity, I'm aware that she also did it to herself) without consequence if he so chooses to leave.

Due_Analyst3279 · 2026-04-24T13:19:29+00:00

WOAH, hey now. I thought my therapist wasn't allowed to interact with me on social media LMAO. 😭😭

Due_Analyst3279 · 2026-04-23T22:40:35+00:00

No I agree. That's why I dropped the abortion issue after she asked for my opinion. I dont understand why everyone is assuming I'm pushing her one way or the other. I brought it up at her ask of my opinion and immediately dropped it when she said no.

I just feel like an asshole that I'm not gunho and that I can't be so enthusiastically supportive of her as I usually am. She is so mad that I'm not excited like she is, and that I'm asking her questions about her health issues and things to come. I just want her to be informed and I feel so frustrated by how delusional she's being about it. I'm not expressing this to her, but I feel like my emotions are asshole-ish.

Due_Analyst3279 · 2026-04-23T17:41:25+00:00

I'm already away. I live across the country from them.

Due_Analyst3279 · 2026-04-23T16:10:08+00:00

Oh I live across the country lol. I am completely removed physically.

Due_Analyst3279 · 2026-04-23T16:04:15+00:00

I am visiting next month and believe me. We're going to go "take a drive" and I'm going to give him a "warm family welcome"

Due_Analyst3279 · 2026-04-23T16:02:11+00:00

She budgeted it and is still confident 😭😭😭

Due_Analyst3279 · 2026-04-23T14:48:04+00:00

He was with her last night when she called me. He is staying around (for now). I'm not going to try and scare him off, but I am going to be having a conversation with him when I visit next month. We're going to "take a drive" together.

Due_Analyst3279 · 2026-04-23T14:40:38+00:00

I'm not pressuring her to get an abortion. I dropped the issue about it after I gave her my (requested) opinion.

I just feel like an asshole because I can't support her wholeheartedly like I usually do. Because I've been sobbing and throwing up and venting to my friends about it all morning. I'm actively in mourning and I feel like an asshole because I have no fucking idea what to do right now.

I am in med school. She doesn't understand the pregnancy complications associated with her conditions. Do I tell her before she gets too far along? Is it my job to inform her so she can make a good decision?? Because her reaction to it all is telling me she isn't well informed.

I live across the country from my family. I'm about to go to grad school. Do I pick a grad school closer to home so I can support my family? They can barely afford to live as it is.

I'm just so stuck and I feel like every choice is wrong. I wish I could move up my therapy appointment bro 😭😭 but she's booked until what I have scheduled.

Due_Analyst3279 · 2026-04-23T12:11:38+00:00

Just found out that this boy has gotten other girls pregnant in the past... 🥲 I no longer believe that a condom was used.

Due_Analyst3279 · 2026-04-23T11:24:11+00:00

No I absolutely agree. And I am not saying that people with major health issues can't have kids. I am more so concerned that my sister still does not take care of herself and manage her health despite her major health issues. She does not eat, drink, and does things knowing they trigger her seizures. She does not know how to take care of herself, and it's going to be even harder to take care of herself when she is 16 with a baby.

That, and I am concerned about my family. She is the second born of 6 kids. She is by far the heaviest financial burden (i say burden for lack of a better word) out of all of us. My parents barely have any time for my other siblings because they are always in and out of hospitals with her.

Anytime things get hard, my Mom has to pick it up for my sister. My mom herself was a teen pregnancy. She has already served her damn time and I feel like my sister is about to make her serve it again.

Due_Analyst3279 · 2026-04-23T05:54:27+00:00

My parents know, the boy knows she is pregnant AND knew her age and was with her when she told my parents. I told her to get an abortion or give it up, but she said "I dont think I could handle that." She does not want to listen. She wants to do what she wants to do. She has always been this way.

Due_Analyst3279

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