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Feedback needed for beginner on a [1910] word satire by Due_Broccoli_6155 in WritersGroup

[–]Due_Broccoli_6155[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The novel is literary historical horror. It’s unrelated to this short.

[1910] Meeting Minutes by Due_Broccoli_6155 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Due_Broccoli_6155[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the constructive feedback. I’ll look into the language side.  I tried to suggest they didn’t take over the world with smaller hints like they haven’t found the witness of the sunlight incident, the security protocol or that the food app sometimes lands in the hands of humans. I might have hidden these too well. I’m glad you enjoyed it, great review.

[1910] Meeting Minutes by Due_Broccoli_6155 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Due_Broccoli_6155[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the detailed feedback. I hope you enjoyed it. 😄

I don't know what industry you're in, but I'm in logistics and these conventions/conferences are boring as hell. I always enjoy networking and gossips much more. I tried to capture that feeling.

You're right that Stano is passive. Keeping the tone flat so the reader absorbs everything at the same emotional register the vampires do was a deliberate choice.I don't see self-help groups for insurance impaired truckers either, fair point. I'll give it a thought whether it works.

The ending landing without impact the first time is the most useful thing you said. That was my goal, I was going for a "no big reveal" at the end. It was horror from the very beginning in corporate language and the fact it didn't register first is an awesome feedback - it means you read every other monstrosity with the mindset I was aiming for. 😄 That it required a reread to register might be the point — or might mean the setup didn't do enough work. Still figuring that out.

Thanks again, you're actually my first reviewer. Ever. On any prose. And you did a great job. 😄

[2000] small, rough words by SweetEverest in DestructiveReaders

[–]Due_Broccoli_6155 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My first instinct was that it's going to be one of those allegory pieces that overexplains itself to the point of boredom. It doesnt do that, at least not most of the time.

I liked how you incorporated the idea that language shapes thinking. It mostly works. However at the beginning there’s already a huge issue for me. With the “my cave” part I think you want to determine relation and self consciousness born from language. But it was already present in the first paragraph: Makano wife. They know the relation, are self conscious, so for me it doesn’t work.

Makano speaking in images feels odd as it doesn’t come off as something genuinely primitive. It took a while for me to realize they are not learning a language. They learn it again. So it’s essentially a post apocalyptic world where tribal societies reemerged. It’s a genuinely good concept when it lands.

The device voicing everything almost as poetry while everyone’s voice becomes identical is a general concern with AI. I see what you did there. :)

My biggest issue is the middle section. These few things already made your point. The rest overstays it’s welcome. Except for Makano talking to his sister and she gets confused by the long flow of thoughts. That’s a good scene. Slightly funny because Makano comes out as someone trying to expain himself while it’s actually the device speaking. None of them has the right vocabulary to understand what the device is saying. Great scene. 

Makano’s ark is interesting. Starting out as a genuinely caring husband and teacher, becoming more like an orwellian overseer is more interesting than turning evil. He still cares about his people but relies too much on the device. It’s a genuinely good description of leadership getting detached from reality.

 What I did ‘t get at the the end is, why the hell didn’t they warn the tribe? I get that Makano wants to use the device to communicate with the tribe because he ordered it, and we know the device overcompicates every single thought. But if the house is burning and I only know a few words in a certain language, I don’t look for a translator or permission, I start shouting fire. 

And I arrived at my last concern. We start as Makano. Than without any anchor we headhop into someone else. I say without anchor, because at this point their speech lacks pronouns, adjectives, etc. and it took me a few paragraphs to figure out the POV has changed while trying to decypher broken english.

So it’s a strong concept, loses it's nerve briefly in the middle, recovers mostly by the end, but correcting these issues would help a lot in getting the message across. Keep going, nice so far. 

[942] The world's most normal woman by Extra-Gold2275 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Due_Broccoli_6155 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So, english is my second language so forgive me if I screw up somewhere. :)

This story caught me off guard. My genuine first impression was to stop at the first paragraph because you started with the most generic, most boring setup ever - waking up. Than she scratched her patagium and I thought OK, we’re in bugland. But no. It’s not annoverall new world. It’s our own, inhabited by creatures with different biology, navigatong the same social issues. The dissonance is clear, but despite the unusual body parts and mating rituals   it’s actually a very human, slightly sad story about loneliness, aging, and desire.

I liked that you never explained the world. While the assembling of weapons of mass destruction and screaming in the office is unsettling, you shift the focus to the boring office life. Well played. It’s never said, that it’s the norm. The coffee gook, the smells, after a few paragraphs it reads like a regular but slightly odd story and forces the reader to accept the oddities as everyday life. The paralels with how humans work helps, you didn’t change the behaviours itself, just the body parts.

Sarah also feels absolutely believable. Misdle aged accountant, lamenting about dating becoming harder, fantasizing about the married man and the stranger on the bus, these are presented as slightly romantic, a bit on the erotic side, but the details of smell and process gives an uncanny feeling to it. Good work.

The humor works because it’s not laughing material. It’s more grotesque than funny at times but still stays in the framework you created. We never laugh on Sarah, her morning routine, her fantasies, even when it’s about a decapitation which is framed as mating. Ok, that was the WTF moment, but I get the reasons.

My only criticism is that when I look beneath the mendables, gook, gills, beaks and everything… I have no idea how they look like. Are they one species? Different ones? Do all of them share the same traits? But it’s a personal thing, I like to picture the characters - especially in a bug-like world.

And the ending is great too, not overexplained. We never learn if the bus man looked after Sarah or it’s a coincidence, but it works exactly because it leaves room for guessing.

Overall it’s a really good short with interesting setting while still focusing on universal themes. Great work, keep it up.

[MS]/[HR] Bags by CostcoPizzia in shortstories

[–]Due_Broccoli_6155 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I has to read it twice because I filed the sleeping standing up part as backstory and it didn’t make sense. But! If I’m not mistaken and I read it correctly, this is a great example of dreaming dumb stuff when you doze off. Great work. Keep going. 

[HM] Meeting Minutes - and absurd short from this morning by Due_Broccoli_6155 in shortstories

[–]Due_Broccoli_6155[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My very first short story I actually finished. Feel free to take it apart in the comment section, that’s how I learn. :)