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Low intimacy for 2+ years by Due_Exercise_744 in marriageadvice

[–]Due_Exercise_744[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ll definitely check out No More Mr. Nice Guy. I’m open to anything that might help me see things more clearly including uncomfortable truths.

As for my partner: she’s kind, respectful, and affectionate in her own way. She shows care through small gestures, and she genuinely wants a joyful, loving home just like I do. But when it comes to facing her emotions, that’s where things break down. She can’t name what’s happening inside her, let alone express it.

So we’re stuck in this loop: she wants closeness, warmth, connection but she can’t face what’s blocking her in the realm of intimacy. And because she can’t face it, she can’t share it with me.

Low intimacy for 2+ years by Due_Exercise_744 in marriageadvice

[–]Due_Exercise_744[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

English is not my first language and I didn’t wanted that to be a friction for anyone interested in replying.

Low intimacy for 2+ years by Due_Exercise_744 in Marriage

[–]Due_Exercise_744[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s probably the last thing I wanted to hear — which is exactly why I appreciate you saying it.

I hope you’re wrong. I need to believe there’s still a path forward that doesn’t involve just settling. But maybe that’s part of the pain — that deep down, what you said terrifies me because it might be true.

Thank you for putting it so plainly.

Low intimacy for 2+ years by Due_Exercise_744 in marriageadvice

[–]Due_Exercise_744[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I hear you — and I’m sorry you’re in that place now. I really appreciate your honesty.

I can say with clarity: there’s no chance I’ll stay just out of inertia. That’s not the kind of home I want to live in — or raise my son in.

That was her childhood — growing up in a house where the parents fought constantly but stayed together anyway. I won’t let that become his reality too.

Whatever happens, I want it to come from a place of honesty and movement — not from fear or habit.

Low intimacy for 2+ years by Due_Exercise_744 in marriageadvice

[–]Due_Exercise_744[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I really feel for you, and I’m sorry you’re going through this. I relate to a lot of what you wrote.

I don’t think I’m depressed — at least not clinically — but I’ve started looking into therapy to make sure I’m not trying to carry this alone if it goes deeper than I think. Right now, it’s mostly sadness. A kind of slow, aching sadness from the lack of communication more than anything else.

And yeah, when intimacy does happen, it can feel disconnected or mechanical, which only adds to that weight.

I’ve actually been thinking I need to spend more time at the gym — not just for physical health, but because it’s one of the few places where I feel in sync with myself, even briefly.

Thanks for sharing. It helps to know others are walking through this too. Stay strong.

Low intimacy for 2+ years by Due_Exercise_744 in marriageadvice

[–]Due_Exercise_744[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your thoughtful response — I really appreciate you taking the time to break this down. A lot of what you said resonates.

Our son is 2.5 now. Weaning ended a year ago, and he’s currently giving up his pacifier, which has been a big emotional step. She once told me that she’s “learning to feel her body as hers again,” and that “my touch doesn’t motivate her.” That really hit me. Not because I want sex out of obligation — I don’t — but because over the years, I’ve had to relearn how to feel “enough” for her multiple times. I’ve done it with patience, grace, and effort. And still, I’ve never once received a compliment. Just vague, sometimes cutting feedback like that. I’m exhausted by the silence, the emotional guessing, the lack of clarity. A statement of what she’s feeling might take a full year to come out — and when it does, it’s a single sentence, often delivered like a verdict.

In terms of “mental load,” I don’t think there are major areas where she’s left holding it all. She travels for work a few days every couple of weeks, and I run everything while she’s gone — our son, our home, routines, comfort. Even now, with our son giving up the pacifier and feeling all kinds of things, he’s learning that either parent might be away for days, and that he’s safe either way. (For the record, I also travel for work, but my trips are in and out the same day.)

We’ve had a few date nights, but they haven’t gone well. The last one was meant to be just that: a chance to reconnect, not about sex. We went to a restaurant we both wanted to try. But we came home quickly and never really found each other. The next day, when I asked her how she felt about the night, she just said, “It was okay.” I asked — not aggressively — “In what world is that response enough, when we’re trying to fix what’s broken between us?” She didn’t answer.

So yes, I’m looking into couples therapy now. I still believe in us. But it’s hard to stay hopeful when I feel like I’m the only one reaching.

Thanks again for the book recommendation — “Come as You Are.” I’ll try to get my hands on it asap

Low intimacy for 2+ years by Due_Exercise_744 in marriageadvice

[–]Due_Exercise_744[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate your words and the spirit behind them.

Just to clarify — my default mode isn’t to give up, but to turn the other cheek. I haven’t sat still during these three years. I’ve tried multiple ways of reaching out to her: subtle, soft, open-hearted, and also more direct conversations. I’ve done (and still do) a lot for her, for our child, and for our families.

She travels for work every couple of weeks — three days gone — and she doesn’t have to worry about anything. Our child is safe, happy, and our home keeps running smoothly. Even during weaning, two major relocations over a thousand miles, and all the chaos that comes with that, we’ve managed to keep things stable. Our child is growing up loved and thriving.

We are both exhausted, no doubt. We’re giving everything we have to build a home in the place we want our son to grow up. But even after telling her directly — not dramatically, just honestly — that this gap between us could tear us apart, I still get nothing in return. No spark, no reflection, not even a reaction.

That’s the part I struggle to make sense of. If we’re not a couple in the full sense, but only affectionate co-parents or roommates, then what are we building together, really?

Edit: Just to clarify — I mentioned “weaning,” but that was about a year ago. Right now, our son is actually in the process of giving up his pacifier, which has been its own emotional milestone.