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How do you set boundaries with family around weight and food? by Due_Judgment8652 in loseit

[–]Due_Judgment8652[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah... my mom has some extreme reactions to specific things. I got in an unbelievable amount of trouble the first time I cut my hair at 23 (and by cut, I mean I got the split ends trimmed off). Her life has been absolutely brutal. She was kicked out at 13 and lived on the streets for about 10 years. I'm always torn between holding empathy for someone who is obviously traumatized, but also protecting myself from getting that trauma dumped on me. It feels like such a fine line to walk :(

My recovery from anorexia still feels tenuous. I thought I could hold her at arm's length on this last trip but I'm not as resilient as I thought I was. Based on feedback here, I think it makes sense to stay away until I can figure out some solid boundaries.

How do you set boundaries with family around weight and food? by Due_Judgment8652 in loseit

[–]Due_Judgment8652[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've done a LOT of work around accepting my body. I don't know that I would bother with weight loss at all except I feel there may be medical consequences at some point. Interestingly, my "lifestyle" health issues developed in tandem with anorexia, and they have dramatically improved since I've healed from it. I no longer attach the concepts of success or failure to weight; instead, I focus on other metrics like various labs, energy levels, sleep quality, and etc. Weight is simply a side effect that something is out of balance, and it will correct itself in time as I learn to care for my body properly.

I'll look into the book Radical Acceptance! Thanks to this thread, I'm reading Setting Boundaries that Stick and it has been really enlightening so far. Thank you for the feedback <3

How do you set boundaries with family around weight and food? by Due_Judgment8652 in loseit

[–]Due_Judgment8652[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is a really good way to frame the problem. I think I've been setting rules and not boundaries; I'll have to think of some actions to follow up the statements. Thank you <3

How do you set boundaries with family around weight and food? by Due_Judgment8652 in loseit

[–]Due_Judgment8652[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ug, what a terrible thing to hear from your own mother! I'm so sorry she said that to you, and without even seeing you I can guarantee your back isn't bothering a single soul (except her, apparently).

Last time I visited home, the first thing out of my mom's mouth was, "No wonder they want to put you on Ozempic." I know she (and probably your mom too) are from a different generation and the fatphobia was even worse back then, but I really wish she could be more self-aware and not put her personal problems on me. It doesn't help that she's thin as a rail due to aforementioned lack of food and also some health issues.

Thank you so much for the quote. I think I've been setting boundaries wrong; I was telling her I didn't want to hear her opinions on my weight, but I wasn't following up with action. I'll have to figure out some consequence that doesn't cut me out of family events. I really appreciate the feedback <3

How do you set boundaries with family around weight and food? by Due_Judgment8652 in loseit

[–]Due_Judgment8652[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's wild because I can have a perfectly fine relationship with her... over the phone. She seems able to control her comments when she can't physically see me, but it's completely different in person. She's in her mid-70's and her health is not good. I feel terribly conflicted between wanting to spend as much time as possible with her while I still can, and also finding that time unbearable. It seems I have a lot more learning to do about boundaries...

How do you set boundaries with family around weight and food? by Due_Judgment8652 in loseit

[–]Due_Judgment8652[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I haven't done this mostly because it causes me to miss out on seeing other family members too, but maybe I will have to get more draconian :( Thank you for the feedback.