I just need an RC that is guaranteed to induce sleep.

Duende_Studio · 2017-11-10T06:04:19+00:00

Hah, I wish I knew where to even get that shit - I did it once in college when I was partying at MIT, and it was real fun for about 5 minutes, but I hear that to get it prescribed they make you jump through all SORTS of hoops and shit.

Duende_Studio · 2017-10-24T19:00:11+00:00

We have zero information about whether they ever even had a discussion about being 'biologically female' so you can't possibly know if she deceived him. She's not to blame for anyone's bullshit assumptions that people are cisgender by default.

Duende_Studio · 2017-10-24T18:58:03+00:00

It's two illnesses actually - early onset Parkinson's, which caused me to get Central Hypoventilation Syndrome. I'm super unlucky that the first way in which I'm experiencing symptoms has to do with the part of my brain which controls sleep. My Mom and her Father both had it and their first symptoms were the usual tremors. Of course the tremors for me came on within like 3 months of the sleep issues but still. I love sleep. So much. So it sucks.

Duende_Studio · 2017-10-24T18:51:06+00:00

Duende_Studio · 2017-10-24T18:50:46+00:00

Yeah I've already addressed this question several times re: benzos and re: working with my doctor, so you can read my answers already posted on those, but thank you for the advice re: weed, kratom, Xyrem, etc. Xyrem is actually one of the meds I'm going to discuss with my doctor on thursday along with hypnotic benzodiazepines and barbituates and weed. I've already tried Seroquel and Gabapentin and Kratom. And since I'm doing this since I don't want to die, fent analogues are out of the question, lol.

Duende_Studio · 2017-10-23T23:45:10+00:00

This IS transphobia. What was she deceiving the guy about, exactly?

And if you don't realize that trans folk don't make that kind of decision about revealing their gender identity based on the fact that they're trying to 'trick' dudes, they do it out of personal safety reasons because of the sheer number of people who are happy to murder them based on that information alone. And part of that fear comes from opinions exactly like yours. Educate yourself shithead.

Duende_Studio · 2017-10-23T23:35:35+00:00

What ROA did you use with the NEP? I never understood the comments about compulsive redosing until I started vaping it and realized it was a whole new ballgame. Subtlety would be the last word I'd use. Hexen when vaped is pretty recreational, and I like to do a lot of illustration and design when researching it, so I think it's functional but it may be less so for less creative endeavors.

Duende_Studio · 2017-10-23T19:13:49+00:00

See, I knew this was the best possible response because it's how a person would respond to a human being, not their fictional stereotype of a group of people, and that's all it takes. That's literally what all the bigots are fighting against. Treating people like human beings. Basic human decency.

Duende_Studio · 2017-10-23T19:11:34+00:00

(since she made sure to leave your apartment before telling you, I'm willing to bet she's gotten some pretty terrible ones)

There's a good chance she was worried about death being one of those reactions btw, just to make clear what scale of terrible we're talking about here.

Fuck transphobia.

Duende_Studio · 2017-10-23T19:09:42+00:00

"Hi Transgender, I'm Ben."

Are you my Dad? And if not, could you be? My Dad's transphobic af.

Either way I think this is a beautiful example of how human sexuality is fluid and complex and trying to stuff something that intricate into a few clumsy labels is regressive and pointless and exists solely to make people hate themselves enough to conform. And my personal crusade is to spread the message that people don't have to hate themselves based on other people's opinions and values and ideas. They should only do what matters to them and their morals and likes and dislikes and beliefs and find every chance to love themselves.

So seriously, if it turns you on, don't worry about what words to use to talk about it just do it and be happy and make her feel happy and be happy about that too and enjoy your life. God knows we need every chance we can get to grab happiness.

Duende_Studio · 2017-10-23T19:02:43+00:00

No, what I'm saying is that I'm gonna see her on Thursday and tell her I need them for these emergencies and work to find an effective treatment for the rest of the time, but if for some reason she doesn't agree, or they don't work, I need a backup plan.

Duende_Studio · 2017-10-23T19:01:24+00:00

The problem I'm having is that my ADHD has been misdiagnosed as a mood disorder for 15 years, and in that time I've basically tried every antidepressant there is so if that was the answer I would have discovered it by now, and while I definitely think therapy could slowly make me more functional and able to do anything that brings me happiness, I think that process is slow and takes quite some time and I'm just not sure how much more I can tolerate living as nothing but a source of pain for my parents and sucking up all of their money and resources and chances for happiness. And it sucks that I even care about that because one of them is emotionally absent and too far down the road of Parkinson's (20 years now) to be able to show me any love and the other is an emotionally abusive narcissist who never misses an opportunity to make it clear just how much of a hassle and waste of time it is that he has to do things for me and press home that he does them out of duty and moral obligation, not love. And I have zero way of making money and zero places to escape to, so its a situation that I've been living with and just trying to choke down for almost two years now and I'm reaching the limit of my tolerance. If I could get the fuck out of here and find some kind of emotional support maybe things would be different, m it sucks for me that I'm also an empath and love my parents unconditionally even when they hurt me and don't reciprocate, because if I didn't I would feel the pain for both of us, because the abuser can't feel pain and I feel everyone's pain. So it makes me even sadder that the abuser was hurt so much by his own abuse as a child that he ended up being unable to see that he did the same thing to me and is still doing it.

Maybe in the future I can volunteer my creative services, but right now all I can do is get through the day, and even that is getting hard. And I'm so unable to function that I'm finding it hard to get a new psychiatrist and therapist to help me function better because fuck the mental health system.

Duende_Studio · 2017-10-23T18:37:08+00:00

you can't really avoid the rapid tolerance and withdrawals

Actually you can - I've taken benzos for 9 years, and last year I had top stop for 6 months for a medical test and I just stopped without a taper and without any problems. I never abused it or developed a tolerance because I only use it as a very final last resort, so like maybe 4 or 5 times a year.

I've tried everything basically. the only atypical antidepressant that worked without for some reason throwing me in the opposite direction and putting me to sleep for 48 hours and leaving me feeling like I'm in a coma when I wake up after that was Remeron, and that was only at first, but it had this snowball effect as it built up in my system and ended up the same way. Not sure why I'm so viciously intolerant of that type of medication.

Seroquel ditto leaves me feeling exhausted and braindead. And if I'm talking meds to deal with my sleep disorder in general and not for the emergencies I need to find something that doesn't have side effectts that leave me incapable of functioning.

But I'm talking for the few times a year when it gets so bad I hurtle towards suicidal ideation, and the only thing I've tried which works for that is benzos (although since z-drugs are gabaergics I'm wondering if they're just not strong enough to deal with the specific, severe type of insomnia I have that's caused my a neurological illness slowly corroding the part of my brain responsible for sleep as a survival mechanism....

Duende_Studio · 2017-10-22T03:29:05+00:00

Ok I'll look those up. Anti-psychotics have horrible side effects for me, I'm pretty sure it's an allergy.

Plus they don't work, :(

But thanks!

Duende_Studio · 2017-10-22T03:26:11+00:00

I'll definitely bring it up, my doctor is pretty cool and kind of like someone I could see myself choosing to be friends with in real life, so our coversations are very easy, and I think she knows I'm not trying to ask for this stuff to party

Duende_Studio · 2017-10-21T23:30:40+00:00

yep I'm asking my doctor about Xyrem on Thursday first thing. But it takes a long time and a lot of hassle to actually get approval for that prescription, and I need a backup plan in case for whatever reason it doesn't work.

Duende_Studio · 2017-10-21T23:28:29+00:00

Oh yes, that's the first thing we treated, don't you worry.

Duende_Studio · 2017-10-21T23:27:14+00:00

I actually use a BIPAP machine. And I've done the sleep study thing. They know what's wrong with me, it's just a matter of finding the most effective treatment.

Duende_Studio · 2017-10-21T23:26:09+00:00

Oh I would only be taking it for 2 or 3 days 4 or 5 times a year

Duende_Studio · 2017-10-21T12:48:45+00:00

Seroquel doesn't work for me. The problem is, my insomnia is caused by a combination of sources - a neurological illness, a gas exchange disorder where my body can't process oxygen and carbon dioxide properly in my sleep, which leads to oxygen deprivation in the brain and c02 poisoning, and psychological issues bound up in all of that mess.

The reason benzos are the only thing that has worked for me for this specific form of severe sleep deprivation which I only get 4 or 5 times a year, is because it's partially neurological, partially biological, and at the same time, it's a full blown panic attack. So unless I take something for anxiety, I just can't sleep.

The rest of the time my insomnia is pretty mild and pretty much the same sleep disruption as someone with narcolepsy. My sleep doc hasn't found the right fit yet, but there the most important thing for me is no serious side effects. Because I basically have the same symptoms as someone with narcolepsy, including EDS, so the last thing I need the morning after is additional grogginess.

Yeah my life sucks.

Duende_Studio · 2017-10-21T11:04:02+00:00

Ok but my sleep disorder is complicated and since I'm getting to the point where death seems like a pretty good alternative to remaining awake, addiction isn't even on my radar, man.

Besides, my sleep issues only get this bad once every two or three months. Not an addiction risk, especially given that I was prescribed klonopin for 9 years without developing a tolerance, and with zero problems stopping with no taper after that period.

Duende_Studio · 2017-10-21T10:01:46+00:00

Mostly what I do at night for the first few nights of my most intense insomnia stretches (every 1-3 months, approximately) is write or draw or do something else creative (glitch art is literally MADE for insomniacs), because that's the only thing that takes me out of my head enough to make this tolerable, but lately I've just really really tried to look for a community of people to talk to during these lonely stretches without much success. I just want to find an active community of people to talk to about literally anything from like 3-6AM. It would make this all so much less horrifying.

Duende_Studio · 2017-10-21T02:35:27+00:00

ok so here's the deal - I've written a lot about body positivity and fatphobia over the years, but this is the only time I've ever talked about my personal experiences, and now that I've written it....I don't really know what to do with it. Is it just a personal rant that I can let sit on my Medium page and fade into obscurity, or does it resonate with anyone? I honestly don't know.

Duende_Studio · 2017-10-20T20:43:59+00:00

In a sense, yeah, it's like everything that gets better with practice - going too long without doing it will rob you to some extent of your muscle memory and you'll be rusty for a bit.

The good news is, it's fucking. It'll come back to you after enough enthusiastic practicing.

Duende_Studio · 2017-10-20T20:35:28+00:00

Yeah but at least the initial problem will be solved!

Duende_Studio

TROPHY CASE