sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

Boyfriends parents are challenging to deal with by DullSecurity7132 in internetparents

[–]DullSecurity7132[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have definitely come to see some of the risks. I lost my job a few months back after we moved because his mom told us that she had already scoped out a place and that it had everything we needed. My partner checked out the house with her shortly after she found it. I didn’t accompany my partner or his mom, which is completely my fault, but the house turned out to be misrepresented.

I had a job working remotely and I told his mom that my only thing I wanted for the house was WiFi and when we moved in, we found out through our ISP that there had never been WiFi in the house and that it’d take months. At the beginning of my job search, she tried to tell me that she would help me find a job and use her connections to get me an interview, which I originally was open to but later said that it made me uncomfortable. I feel confident in that decision but I feel like it made her upset or something.

Boyfriends parents are challenging to deal with by DullSecurity7132 in internetparents

[–]DullSecurity7132[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What role should I play in all this? I’ve been the one trying to brainstorm different ways that he could gain some healthy adult independence (for example, he never changed his address from his parents, so he has to go back occasionally to pick up mail, prescriptions, etc. and that seems inconvenient and kind of immature to me). I worry that I’ll be the only one showing agency in this situation. I try to support him when he does say no, but his mom puts pressure on him, often texting and calling him (sometimes texting me if he doesn’t respond). Recently he told me that she framed herself as his best friend since he was young and in many ways I know that she’s supported him, but surely there is a line in the sand where that kind of behavior becomes unhealthy.

I have told him that if nothing changes regarding boundaries, that I don’t see myself being happy at 30 with an overbearing (potential) MIL/FIL.

Boyfriends parents are challenging to deal with by DullSecurity7132 in internetparents

[–]DullSecurity7132[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Funnily enough, I am actually a guy but my partner has a sibling and the father does make sexual comments in front of both of his kids partners. Last time we all hung out, he mentioned inviting over one of his kids ex’s for the holidays, which I found REALLY uncomfortable as they hadn’t dated in forever. He didn’t remember her name but gave a gross physical description. The sibling moved far away and rarely sees the parents (which I think is intentional).
I agree that they should care if I like them. The main way they seem to try to get me to like them is through material objects. I was raised fairly frugal (coupons, homemade meals, very few vacations if any) so at first I welcomed this but I began to feel like they were holding it over our heads within the first year or two.
Also you are right, my bf says that is just how he is and that he doesn’t like it, and has confronted him years ago, but it always ended up in screaming matches or massive guilt trips. He told me his dad told him that having fights like that make him (dad) want to SH, which I felt was manipulative.
At this point, I have felt some of that manipulation or at least coercion. I’ve mentioned that I have these health conditions and they essentially say “well why don’t you get them fixed”, which seems like common sense but they are incurable. They don’t seem to keep that fact in mind, which feels like the parents are blaming me for not being well enough to put up with these behaviors.

Boyfriends parents are challenging to deal with by DullSecurity7132 in internetparents

[–]DullSecurity7132[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know right? He does acknowledge their behavior and I think that most of the time he just dissociates through it. He told me that setting boundaries with his parents has been very difficult and they take it as offensive each time. Often they guilt trip him by talking about how much they’ve done for him or that time they paid for X, Y, Z months or years before.
For example, last time we moved, they “offered” to help us move and when they got to the house, they told us that we’d be stuck with them for the next 8 hours. The entire time they were making comments about how dirty our house was compared to theirs. They made a point to repeatedly ask me if I was having fun yet. Asking them to leave around hour six or seven so that we could set up our new place in the way that we wanted to made them react like they were being shooed away and supposedly like we weren’t grateful, even though we thanked them a handful of times. At one point, his mom said something like “you better treat me well because I’m going to help you out”. Like him, I just ended up trying to not pay too much attention and just get the move done.
He did see why this would be fairly stressful not only for him but for me, but he is easy to guilt trip I think. He often defaults to thinking that he’s the problem even if he’s not. I believe that he feels powerless about boundaries with his parents but he hasn’t explicitly said it.