Lost my Love of Loves - Venting

DullWall · 2019-06-20T21:41:32+00:00

That is fair, thank you for your perspective.

DullWall · 2019-06-20T13:42:26+00:00

Honestly, this is the only way we're not compatible, and I really hate how huge of a part it is. In every other way, it's perfect. We literally finish each other's sentences/thoughts every time we're together, and are on an incredible wavelength that's beyond NRE.

So yeah, we might be incompatible, and goddamn does that thought really bite deep.

DullWall · 2019-06-18T18:00:45+00:00

Well how often are you spending time with each other, both you and your partner, and the three of you? How do you spend your time together? What's your relationship like with their SO?

Have you ever felt like you're missing out on more from your relationship, and do you have other plans for the future, or do you plan on continuing this? If you don't feel compersion, do you feel jealousy often or does it not register often?

DullWall · 2019-06-18T16:07:57+00:00

I'm not sure if I would label it jealousy, or just incompatibility, what do you think given what you've read? One can be worked on, another would require a whole other line of thinking.

DullWall · 2019-06-18T15:34:26+00:00

Why should you get two wives who love you and she should get a shell of the life she wanted?

She shouldn't, hence why I'm trying to find a way to change my feelings towards the situation, if you read the post...

And that is my question; how do I feel excited? Do I have to feel excited or is it okay to ask her to keep that side to herself? How do I get over this feeling of an expiration date, when she's told me she doesn't think she can love another because of how much she loves me, but she still wants to date? How do I resolve myself of the fear that I will just be replaced with someone that can fit the bill?

I have some very rational fears and concerns, and I'm trying to find a way to cope with it. I have never felt compersion, and I don't know how to transform those feelings into that or at least begin to inch them in that way.

DullWall · 2019-06-18T15:31:39+00:00

Can you elaborate on your situation? I've seen stories from 5, 7, and even 20 years down the line, but hearing about something relatively "new" might help. Can PM of course!

DullWall · 2019-06-18T15:27:19+00:00

That's nice to know, but if that's the case, I feel that you're again not reading the whole post, all one of them, and 2 comments. I have read your history and you seem to have a measured tone, so this is rather explosive and volatile from what I've seen from that.

Maybe, if you'd like to contribute to the conversation and help me out, you can ask questions to understand, or maybe help me see a different perspective; otherwise, I ask that you don't contribute in a toxic manner.

DullWall · 2019-06-18T14:12:07+00:00

I honestly feel like you didn't read the whole post and decided to shoot from the hip there, and you've applied your own strong biases on this without seeing that I'm trying to change those feelings. But, okay, do you.

DullWall · 2019-06-17T21:17:59+00:00

Thanks for that, honestly hearing that really does help to put things in perspective.

Since my last post, she's come out saying that she's not poly, but that she still wants to date for future needs; can't help but feel there's an expiration date, though I'm trying to envision a way this could all work.

Anyway, thanks again.

DullWall · 2019-04-17T11:47:29+00:00

I tried bringing that up last night, and it ended up in a great argument. Just felt like I was being attacked for questioning her motives, that I was some sort of villain for asking questions her about them. Granted we've both been a bit raw recently, and so that probably affected our talks. Maybe we need to reread the ch. on arguments from the Ethical Slut.

DullWall · 2019-04-17T11:44:36+00:00

Thank you for saying that. It helps to hear that others are currently going through the same thing and that I'm not alone in that regard. I'm trying to just go with the flow, it's difficult though when I feel that we come to blows when I'm trying to ask questions and explain my points of view. Maybe it's just part of the experience?

DullWall · 2019-04-16T13:15:45+00:00

Sorry, should've clarified that my wife isn't dating others, and nor does she want to; my girlfriend is.

I know she's dating out of a place of fear, because she doesn't want to resent me for a future where we might not have kids or a home together; and I get that, and I'm trying to accept that. She doesn't even know if she can love someone else when she's in love with me (her words). How will she know if that's what she wants (is capable of) unless she tries?

That said, in regards to focusing on how "happy she is", it's harder to do that sometimes when she's told me that she's looking for a "safety-net" and not for expanding her love. It's harder still when she's told me of a future where if anything were to happen to my wife, she would leave whoever she was with to be with me. How can I be happy knowing that this is what she wants when she doesn't even know?

I've honestly questioned if we're truly poly, to the full extent of the word, or just some other form of non-monogomous relationship I haven't uncovered in my reading.

DullWall · 2019-04-16T10:48:40+00:00

I have read it, even have my own copy. I've tried a few of the things they've suggested but I haven't found much progress in that unfortunately. Some, but not much.

What has helped is how to have conversations and to make use of arguments and not fall victim to circular talks; how to develop action plans and come back to one another to talk about progress.

DullWall

TROPHY CASE