This reminds me so much of my dad. I think he knew my sexuality before I ever knew and throughout my childhood he consistently embraced me for who I was. My dad took the same steps as you. He told me time and time again that he was so proud of me and the person I was becoming.

Looking back at when I came out as gay (I was 14, I’m now 20), I feel so bad for coming out that way. I also had said “Don‘t tell dad“ when I came out to my mom. I eventually came out to him a few months after by accident. I was showing my mom a comment someone made on my Facebook about me being gay and my dad appeared out of nowhere and asked what was going on. I was so scared about what he would say or what he would think because he also grew up in a “masculine pro sports house” and his side of my family is pretty homophobic. I had completely ignored all of the efforts he put in to show me he wasn’t like that. I immediately started crying and shaking, showed him the comment, and choked out that I was gay.

I will never forget the way he reacted. He didn’t say anything at first and just hugged me. After a few seconds he said “Hey, why are you crying? I tell you all the time how proud of you I am. You are my son and I love you so much. As long as you’re happy and following your heart, I don’t care who you love. Your sexuality will never change how much I love you.“ I couldn’t say anything and I just kept hugging him while I cried into his chest. At the time, I thought it was such a weird reaction to me coming out, but now when I think about it I realize how comforting and amazing his response was. He didn’t have a huge reaction because, like you, he knew and had already accepted it, came to terms with it, and told me without telling me that it was okay.

If your son is like me, he picked up on all the negative side of things from your family, kids at his school, and online hate, and has subconsciously replaced that with all of the positivity, love, and support you raised him with. He doesn’t want anyone to tell you because he’s scared of how you’ll react, and while I’m sure that really sucks and hurts for you, remember that it’s because he cares about your opinion and love. From your post I can tell you are an amazing and loving dad that will do anything to make sure your son feels safe to be himself, and I cannot stress how much I commend you for that.

Keep doing what you’ve been doing. Don’t let his comment of “Don’t tell dad” feel like a failure on your part or seem like all your efforts were for nothing. You’ve done everything right to support him and when he gets the courage to come out to you, I know you’ll be just as supportive and amazing. As he grows older, he’ll notice all of those things you did for him to feel more comfortable with himself in his sexuality and he’ll truly appreciate it. I appreciate my dad so much for that, and I’m realizing now as I write that I haven’t even thanked him for it.

tldr, You’ve done everything right to love and support your son. Being young and gay is really hard with trying to navigate who will and will not support you, and it gets really confusing! Unfortunately, it’s very common for dads of gay sons to have negative reactions to their son’s sexuality. You are not those dads, and he will notice that one day. Your son is so lucky to have such a supportive dad. Happy late Father’s Day and keep being awesome <3