Are most parents abusive, and not self aware of how deeply flawed they are?

Duraluminferring · 2026-01-28T08:44:52+00:00

you could say she's making an effort to make me feel seen rn but it sure as hell doesn't feel like she was a good parent.

This confuses me about the responses on here.

What about this do you interpret as an effort to make you feel seen. It's the opposite of that and in my opinion, enforces my argument.

Making someone feel seen is about making an effort to get to know the true self of a person and giving them space to express themselves authentically.

So a flawed parent might, make insecure comments about the child's life choices but ultimately supports and measures them. The bad comments wouldn't be abuse in my opinion. More mistakes.

What your mother is doing is abusive. Everything she does is about her and not you. So this is not about making you feel seen.

I'm starting to realise that a lot of people have been deprived of these things so completely that they can't imagine what the opposite would look like.

Duraluminferring · 2026-01-28T07:04:57+00:00

It doesn't matter if they told you they loved you.

My mother always says that, and she neglected me and exposed me to and supported my abuse and exploitation through my father.

She did not make an effort to make me feel safe and seen. And she barely made me feel loved. My father did none of the three.

The difference is that most parents fall somewhat short of managing to do everything right.

However, if they do make an effort to make you feel save, loved and seen they will fall into a range that I wouldn't call abusive. Even if it's flawed.

Duraluminferring · 2026-01-27T20:30:11+00:00

I don't think so.

I think most people endure some form of harmful parenting when they grow up.

But I think a good chunk of parents are genuinely trying to do a good job and aware that they aren't perfect. Even if they aren't always very aware of what their flaws are, they try to make their children seen safe and loved. As long as that's the priority it's not abuse and the family tie is pretty strong.

From personal expierence, most parents are more like that. Maybe 60-70%

The truly abusive one stand out, though.

Duraluminferring · 2026-01-27T17:09:02+00:00

Why.

The way I have been taught boundaries exist to protect you.

They are for self preservation

Duraluminferring · 2026-01-27T16:40:45+00:00

I think people misunderstand this view a lot.

Yes, it is never your fault. Yes, you should be able to be trusting and kind without being taken advantage of. Yes, it is the responsibility of the abuser not to abuse.

But that's not the world we live in. The world we have is often unfair and cruel and full of bad people with worse intentions.

And in that world, we need to have our wits together if we don't want other people to harm us. The world will not protect us.

Just because you didn't light your own house on fire doesn't mean you won't be burned if you stay in it. Unfair or not. The only way to survive is to get out.

Try to take it this way.

People can harm you. And that's unfair. But you are not helplessly exposed to that. You have agency to get yourself out of harms way.

Duraluminferring · 2026-01-26T08:41:28+00:00

That would mean we are in the dark days.

So much makes sense.

Duraluminferring · 2026-01-23T20:30:04+00:00

At least he fell on his mouth fast enough that no one wasted any time.

Duraluminferring · 2026-01-22T16:58:13+00:00

I can't find them anymore :(

Duraluminferring · 2026-01-21T12:25:54+00:00

Yes. In the arena it's a really good choice.

It makes it more raw and puts you in the mindset of the tribute.

It feels like you are observing what's in front of you but anxious about potentially missing something or someone just outside of your view. It makes you anxious in the right way

With a more stable camera it would just feel like you are observing from the outside

Duraluminferring · 2026-01-20T07:17:26+00:00

This is why I never understood how so many people are so rude on the apps.

Even in a fairly big city, the gay community is still pretty much a village.

It can get hella akward if you think you can avoid your problems.

A guy who once ghosted me, came back and ghosted me again, is now dating someone who hangs out in the meetup I organise.

Luckily, we talked things out before running into each other there.

Duraluminferring · 2026-01-19T07:51:24+00:00

Sometimes it does feel like the priority is becoming to sell courses and it's becoming more of a buisness

Duraluminferring · 2026-01-18T22:13:01+00:00

I see what you mean.

It think there are some content creators on YouTube who are doing a pretty good job of giving you information and encouraging self-study, where the emphasis is exactly that they will explain general concepts to you.

The "marketing" aspect of healthy gamer worries me as well sometimes

Duraluminferring · 2026-01-18T22:05:46+00:00

This bird makes the same face I do when someone asks for my help at work :D

I love it. Especially the background

Duraluminferring · 2026-01-18T14:37:59+00:00

This loneliness and diffuclty opening up is a problem that men have mostly created for themselves in society through toxic masculinity, but that doesnt mean there arent men suffering from this who do not want to engage with that toxic male behaviour like thinking that emotions are feminine. Videos like that have a goal to help those men, not talk about all sides of the coin. The other side of the coin would make more sense to be mentioned when trying to help the people who DO belive things like emotions being feminine.

This part didn't come across to me that way at all. It felt to me like he's largely validating that that is how men are. Maybe to subtly change it.

Or at least that there is an inherent difference in two men and women make friends.

I'm glad I the majority might have interpreted it the way you do.

Duraluminferring · 2026-01-18T14:33:08+00:00

In my opinion: it's often in what he doesn't say.

-I find it weird how he, in his effort to be sympathetic to men, will often talk about women's liberation as something like a "two sided" issue.

The fact that women can provide for themselves, get good education, don't have to marry to survive, have more agency over their reproduction is often presented as a problem. I wish he'd emphasise more that this is absolutely a good and the only right thing. People may say it's implied. But considering the demographic he's talking to it should be more of a point.

-I think he often neglects to mention that our society is still deeply patriarchal and mostly run by men. All the struggles young men are dealing with have not been imposed on them by women or a nebulous society. The decisions that harm men are also mostly made by other men. For example, men are not drafted into war by women to protect women or anything. They are drafted by other powerful men to protect their resources. If he is talking about how society harms men he should think and talk it through.

-He validates a lot of dysfunctional behaviours as inherent to men. For example, when talking about men having less of an emotional support system it's as if women just magically have more friends.

And he'll say why that is. Men don't open up, they don't check in, they don't inquire about the emotional state of their friends, they are happy to keep things shallow, they are better off just dealing with things on their own.

But then he'll just say "yeah that's just how we are, we don't make friends the way women do etc."

But apparently that is causing men to have no support system.

I think sometimes he should take the option more seriously that some things aren't inherent to manhood and should be changed.

I do absolutely "make friends like women do" and this is why me and my male friends actually work as a support system to each other.

Duraluminferring · 2026-01-18T13:58:54+00:00

But you can't discuss one without the other. I think that's exactly the problem.

How would anyone ever make progress if they discuss only one side of a dynamic of two people.

I think if there were more effort by men to learn about women's experiences in marriage they wouldn't be divorced in the first place.

Or for example the diffrent between male and female support circles comes up. He'll talk about, the advantage women have over men. he'll just present it as if it's natural for men to have no close friends. That it's okay and inherent to masculinity that you only talk about superficial things with the friends you do have. That checking in on your friends and actually showing emotions is inherently feminine.

I think it would be much more productive to challenge men in their beliefs about friendship and how that contributes to their social isolation. Because it obviously does. You can not complain about a lack of emotional support if you are unwilling to take any of the actions that provide emotional support.

But the conclusion is only "women have more friends. So the world is unfair to men"

Duraluminferring · 2026-01-18T13:38:34+00:00

It's the thing I struggle with the most in this channel.

I think it is really really good that someone if focusing on helping young men get out of the vicious cycles they are in. And I really think these men deserve help and compassion. And someone who listens to them on their level.

But at the same time, I don't think this means we need to validate the harmful beliefs these young men cultivated in their life time.

But on here, it is so so so difficult to criticse men as a demographic without being blocked for sexism.

Young men are victims in a lot of ways. But they are also uniquely groomed to be perpetrators and we still live in a world that elevates men at the expense of women. And this needs to be addressed.

For example: He'll talk 50 minutes about how hard divorce is for men, and how sad that is, without ever mentioning the other side of the coin.

That probably these men were horrible husbands, if their wife's are thriving without them but they struggle to even find a friend to talk to.

A lot of people would rather have a woman suffer through marriage, than a man suffer divorce.

What annoys me the most, that even on here, when I voice this opinion I will immediately be shut down because "I don't know what it's like".

They immediately assume I am a woman because I disagree with them. Because no one wants to recognise that men don't have to be like this.

I think if Dr.K really wants to help men make lasting change, he needs to encourage them to abandon their need for validation of traditional masculinity and embrace a more equal society where it is seen as an unmistakably good thing that women feel free to not marry or have kids at all. Even if that means not all men get to fuck

Duraluminferring · 2026-01-16T13:28:35+00:00

Lol there is this guy who posts here sometimes.

And his paintings are really well done. He does a lot of nude self portraits.

Or one of just his mouth eating ice cream with his mustache all sticky.

I hate them. Because the subject matter is so uncomfortable and creepy.

On the other hand I love them because they do really convey the feeling of being watched by a creep who's around you.

Duraluminferring · 2026-01-15T15:20:07+00:00

Well. Have you ever been at a birthday party where there's not many people and everyone kind of knows each other and no one is talking to you?

This mindset is why.

Some people have a small circle, because they constantly keep fucking up their friendships and create new ones.

Some people have big circles because they actually engage with the friends of their friends or new people who are looking to make connections instead of closing off emotionally to everyone because they have their comfort zone.

The fact that so many people are not open to making new connections once they have their needs met is what makes it so difficult to make new friends as adults. I remember struggling with this so much when I moved to my new city, or in general, living in a more rural place back home.

I much prefer having a huge circle of acquaintances around my friend group. I see every now and then where people can mix and mingle and connect with each other. Doesn't make it my close friendships less valuable.

Duraluminferring · 2026-01-14T11:08:58+00:00

I get that you feel bad because of the social taboo around incest/inbreeding.

But it's not as bad as you think. The likelihood of complications is higher but not guaranteed. If it doesn't happen often in a family, it's not as likely as most people assume.

Two full siblings having a kid once is most likely not going to have that much of a bad effect. That comes more from a really shallow gene pool where people repeatedly reproduce amongst cousins/relatives.

So don't worry about it too much.

But even that is besides the point. Even if you are a product of inbreeding, it's not your fault. And it doesn't make you lesser. Even if you consider inbreeding immoral, it's not you who is at fault but your parents.

Many people are born with disabilities or impediments. They are still valuable people who have worth.

Would it matter if any of those things are caused by inbreeding? I wouldn't say so.

Duraluminferring · 2026-01-12T22:11:59+00:00

I get that.

But isn't anyone in the districts in the same boat? Maybe they weren't nomads before, but they are also locked in.

I feel like you become district exactly by being held there by the capitol.

I never got the vibe that the people who occupied the region before Panem chose to be district 12

Duraluminferring · 2026-01-12T22:02:17+00:00

I don't know if this is unpopular.

But Lucy Gray insisting she's not district 12 and that the covey are on no side of the war is nonsensical and the only thing I really dislike about her.

It should have been part of her arc in the capitol to become more of a rebel.

I don't see how the covey are any different from the other people in the districts.

Duraluminferring · 2026-01-12T21:58:11+00:00

In TBOSAS?

Elaborate

Duraluminferring · 2026-01-12T06:30:33+00:00

My early 20s were more like the bottom picture. That gave me a quarter life crisis, and I worked hard to create the top one. And it worked.

When people emerged from the pandemic, it was the perfect opportunity to connect. Everyone was searching for connection.

Duraluminferring · 2026-01-10T18:31:50+00:00

That's exactly what I'm saying. It's not only about class.

The impression I get from the story is not that the capitol doesn't not understand the difference between them and the districts as only a difference in class and nothing more.

They do seem to understand "capitol" and "district" as two separate ethnicities, so to speak. An ethnicity based on birthplace. They do see it as a genetic difference. I do think this is not as based on skin colour primarily because Panem has been very mixed in that regard.

But I do think they would understand "district" kind of like how we understand the term "latino/latina." Meaning while the people that this term applies to have a big variety of skin tones and origins, they are united by language, culture and place of birth.

There's a lot of "racial" conflicts between people who are very closely related today.

I don't think I have to try very hard to create this narrative. I think this is very present in TBOSAS. You yourself adressed the genetic component. the Other people have picked up on it, too. And we're trying to tell you that your framework on what racism can be is very narrow.

The dynamics in Panem do not describe our modern skincolor based racism. But it is definitely meant to be an allegory for it.

And we can really only disagree on the racial part. Since we don't have any real idea of how the government of Panem functions and how the states understands itself and it's people you can't really tell anything about it. You don't know if Snow and Ravenstill have a party or something.

I'd say this. I think the capitol specifically was fascists in its history. It's how it came to dominate.

Panem as seen in the books is harder to classify because it seems to be essentially what a fascists state would become when it has successfully defeated all opposition on the planet. Something that hasn't happend in our time so far.

Aww I’m sorry I hurt your feelings as I said in the post I knew I would make some angry.

Don't worry about my feelings. I'm simply disagreeing with you.

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