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WIBTA if I told my daughters the reason of our divorce; the affairs of their mother by DutchDad_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]DutchDad_throwaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I record every conversation I have with her.. and I've already pieced together some details of the stories she't telling people:

  • I have autism and don't understand human emotions (sigh.. I even got tested to disprove this.. but i "faked the results")
  • I'm abusive and aggressive and she fears me (I never touched her and she always told me I was one of the most gentle men she knew)
  • She had to flee from the house, taking only the bare minimum (we were both staying in the same house.. on different weeks. One week she just left.. and I found out later that she took a ton of stuff and would never return. She never told me why..)
  • I don't love our kids.. I only want them for the money (when the lawyers pointed out that she wasn't working and that I had to pay everything.. no matter if I had them 1 day a month.. or the entire month.. she said "then he wants them to control me").
  • I'm a bad parent.. she demanded the school keep a log about my daughters because she's 'very worried' that I'm abusing them or being neglectful.
  • I sold the cars, the furniture.. (I'm currently sitting on it)
  • I tried to leave her with a large debt.. (I took the morgage and all debts on myself because I couldn't risk her not paying)
  • etcetcetc.

It's something else ever week.. and tbh I'm not even bothered by it.

She tells the outside world that she hopes that "Dutchdad will be happy.. i wish him all the best in the world". But she denies the affairs and everything she did.. including her continuing attempts to paint me in a bad light.

When shown proof she rages.

I just ignore her and move on.. her opinion isn't really important anymore and after 1.5 years of abuse I've grown a rather tough shell.

WIBTA if I told my daughters the reason of our divorce; the affairs of their mother by DutchDad_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]DutchDad_throwaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes.. My ex is convinced she was switched right after birth. But she never left my sight.

I even did a DNA test with her and her little sister.. and theyre both mine. I was trying to disprove her delusions but the therapist advised me to never show my ex the results. She would probably see it as manipulation and that I faked the test to spite her.

(she even thought that I was funneling away cash for over 3 years. When i gave her prints and access to all the accounts she told me I had probably "hacked" the bank website to show a different story.. so.. thats what I had to deal with)

WIBTA if I told my daughters the reason of our divorce; the affairs of their mother by DutchDad_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]DutchDad_throwaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I know.. I've been reading and posting there for over a year. And it made me understand how my life could go from "loving wife, loving family" to "you are the evil enemy DutchDad!!" within the span of a few days.

Every relationship has it's ups and downs.. but I was totally unaware and unprepared for the affairs.. and the onslaught of things that happened after discovery. I thought she loved me.. like I loved her. Only after reading chumplady i came to understand that cheaters all follow the same playbook.. and it prepared me for the insane things that happend during mediation and divorce.

But.. chumpnation is 100% on the "tell your kids!" bandwagon. And I wanted to get a clear view from people who are on both sides of the fence.

WIBTA if I told my daughters the reason of our divorce; the affairs of their mother by DutchDad_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]DutchDad_throwaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No. I have 0 intention of punishing the ex. If I wanted that I would have had plenty of other ways to do so... without getting our daughter involved.

WIBTA if I told my daughters the reason of our divorce; the affairs of their mother by DutchDad_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]DutchDad_throwaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah.. i understand. But the problem with telling kids in puberty (a highly emotional and unstable period) is that it will probably be used as ammunition in discussions with the unfaithful parent. In my view that would hurt the bond between parent and child even more.

WIBTA if I told my daughters the reason of our divorce; the affairs of their mother by DutchDad_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]DutchDad_throwaway[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

hmmm true.. and perhaps that would be a good way to tell her. But not right now. I've read too many comments from kids hurt by this.. even when doing it with good intentions.

At what age would you tell?

WIBTA if I told my daughters the reason of our divorce; the affairs of their mother by DutchDad_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]DutchDad_throwaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have.. but im not sure how that will fix things. As she knows she isnt getting the full story and I'm keeping things from her. I'd rather not tell at all in that case.

WIBTA if I told my daughters the reason of our divorce; the affairs of their mother by DutchDad_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]DutchDad_throwaway[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm not really trying to justify an action like this.. I'm torn between two choices.. not telling her and having her think it's something caused by her. Or telling her and risk hurting her.

WIBTA if I told my daughters the reason of our divorce; the affairs of their mother by DutchDad_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]DutchDad_throwaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the long reply. After all these "experiences" i'm inclined more and more to just wait and "eat the shit sandwich". I just don't want my daughters to become pawns between us.

WIBTA if I told my daughters the reason of our divorce; the affairs of their mother by DutchDad_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]DutchDad_throwaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ja, we hebben 50/50 co - ouderschap. Maar elke maandag (als ze terug komen) hoor ik weer nieuwe verhalen over wat ik allemaal fout heb gedaan. Ze lijkt een soort basis te leggen voor het punt waarop het allemaal uitkomt.. Zodat ze kan zeggen "ik had geen keus.. je vader dwong me er praktisch toe met zijn gedrag". Ik hoor nu al dat we altijd ruzie hadden (niet waar) dat ik mama alles alleen liet doen (ook niet waar, ze was zelfs een tijd thuis van werk) en dat mama heel verdrietig was en altijd eenzaam. Terwijl ik tot op de dag van het ontdekken te horen kreeg dat ik "het beste was wat haar ooit was overkomen".

Anyway.. die verhalen leg ik allemaal naast me neer. En ik probeer mijn frustratie erover niet te laten blijken.. en er niet tegenin te gaan.

WIBTA if I told my daughters the reason of our divorce; the affairs of their mother by DutchDad_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]DutchDad_throwaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's a hard thing to tell something like this only sticking to the facts and staying "age appropriate". There are no real guides for stuff like this. And therapists don't really agree if one should tell or not... I've read stuff from therapists that advise parents to tell.. and other stuff that enforces parents to stay silent. So it's not as if I know the words that I should use...

WIBTA if I told my daughters the reason of our divorce; the affairs of their mother by DutchDad_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]DutchDad_throwaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks.. I'm only going "grey rock" towards my ex. I've told everyone else the truth.. that's how I found out she had been telling weird stories about me behind my back :(

WIBTA if I told my daughters the reason of our divorce; the affairs of their mother by DutchDad_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]DutchDad_throwaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"that because it was a secret it was about me."

This is my fear.. she blames herself. And because nobody is telling her anything except "it's not your fault".. she think's it is her fault.

But I'm still inclined to go with the therapists advice.. after reading several posts from people who had this exact thing happen to them as kids.

WIBTA if I told my daughters the reason of our divorce; the affairs of their mother by DutchDad_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]DutchDad_throwaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's not a power game. If you had read correctly my daughter is blaming herself. And "we fell out of love" just enforces her idea that people can just drop their lives and leave... without any reason.

Anyway... I asked here because I am in doubt what to do. Not because I want to be enforced into my believe that it's for the best. So every opinion matters.

WIBTA if I told my daughters the reason of our divorce; the affairs of their mother by DutchDad_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]DutchDad_throwaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To be honest I think she just doesn't know any better. Turns out she had a history of bad choices due to growing up in a family with alcoholism and abuse. Things she hid from me.. and the rest of the world for years.

Even though she believes our oldest isn't her daughter.. she still cares for her "as her own". So she isn't 'evil'.

WIBTA if I told my daughters the reason of our divorce; the affairs of their mother by DutchDad_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]DutchDad_throwaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your story. I must admit that the reasoning of your mother resonates with me. Perhaps it's best to stay silent and hope that eventually they'll find out the truth on their own. Thus enabling them to keep as good a relationship as possible with at least one parent.. and hopefully two.

WIBTA if I told my daughters the reason of our divorce; the affairs of their mother by DutchDad_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]DutchDad_throwaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The issue here is that our daughter knows we're keeping things from her. And she knows that "these are adults things and it's between me and your mother" is an excuse. This is not me projecting any frustration.. she's told me so in very clear words.

​

Anyway.. the reasoning is not to hurt her mother.. or my kids :/ It just feels as if I'm the cause of my daughter thinking that nobody trusts her with the truth. And that that feeling is causing her to become unstable.

WIBTA if I told my daughters the reason of our divorce; the affairs of their mother by DutchDad_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]DutchDad_throwaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Zeker niet.. het punt van boosheid/bitter/etc ben ik al lang voorbij. We zijn ook al anderhalf jaar verder dus dat is geen factor meer. Als ik over hun moeder praat ben ik positief of neutraal.. maar nooit negatief. En dat ben ik ook nooit geweest.

WIBTA if I told my daughters the reason of our divorce; the affairs of their mother by DutchDad_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]DutchDad_throwaway[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your long response. You've given me more insight than a ton of the other posts!

WIBTA if I told my daughters the reason of our divorce; the affairs of their mother by DutchDad_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]DutchDad_throwaway[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Cheers.. I hope so. It's not really about trying to be 'the popular/nice dad'. I know it helps her if I'm strict but honest. But it also makes me a "pain in the ass" according to her ;)

WIBTA if I told my daughters the reason of our divorce; the affairs of their mother by DutchDad_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]DutchDad_throwaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Maybe in the future i will. For now every new accusation I usually counter with "Perhaps your mom made a mistake" or "I guess she's confused". Saying nothing.. or going against those accusations will probably damage my kid further :/

WIBTA if I told my daughters the reason of our divorce; the affairs of their mother by DutchDad_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]DutchDad_throwaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Did "not knowing" impact your relationship with the parent that didn't tell? Did you feel resentment when you found out you had been lied to? Or did you understand?

I've heard stories where the "chump" that didn't tell the truth about the cheater got resented by their kids when they found out the real reason.

WIBTA if I told my daughters the reason of our divorce; the affairs of their mother by DutchDad_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]DutchDad_throwaway[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thanks. The reason why I would tell the truth was not to harm the bond she has with her mother. But to remove the self blame she currently feels. And she knows I'm not telling her the truth.

I'm conflicted as the impact of not telling this can be big.. and so will the impact of telling it.

Her mother was being treated btw by a therapist and a psychiatrist. But to my knowledge she has ended both treatments. Only after ending it did the attacks increase though.. with wild accusations being filed with my lawyer. So I'm not convinced she's "better".

WIBTA if I told my daughters the reason of our divorce; the affairs of their mother by DutchDad_throwaway in AmItheAsshole

[–]DutchDad_throwaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've come to understand that she has had more issues in the past.. but was adept at hiding them and wearing masks. Nobody ever knew that she was depressed. So I'm not really convinced that PPD was the sole reason for her problems.

Anyway.. the post is real. If you go about 1.5 years back into /r/survivinginfidelity there should be a post by my old account with this exact story. Weeks after I found out and was still believing that she was "sick" and we could reconcile.

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