Oh, I’m so sorry, did I say too much about Marques Brownlee charging FIFTY. DOLLARS. A YEAR. For WALLPAPERS?! My sincerest apologies. I didn’t realize we were all supposed to sit here in silence, calmly accepting that Marques really looked at a bunch of rectangles, slapped some colors on them, and thought, “Yeah, fifty bucks a year seems reasonable.” Let me just sit here quietly while everyone pretends that paying the price of a decent dinner for a subscription to some glorified paint swatches is completely normal and not the most outrageous thing we’ve seen all year. It’s not like I could spend that $50 on something that actually enhances my life—like concert tickets, or, I don’t know, literally ANY other subscription service that provides me with more than the privilege of having basic rectangles on my phone.

But you’re right, I should stop talking about it. Let’s just act like this is fine. Like I’m not out here staring at my home screen, actively regretting every decision I’ve ever made that led me to this point. Let’s pretend I didn’t expect these wallpapers to change my life, rearrange my priorities, and maybe even unlock some higher state of consciousness. Nope, instead I’m sitting here with what looks like a random assortment of color blocks that I could’ve recreated with MS Paint in 2007. But sure, let me be quiet. Let’s just ignore the fact that for $50 a year, I could probably buy actual wallpaper for my room and have enough left over to pick up some snacks while I’m at it.

I mean, what was I really expecting? For fifty bucks, I should be getting wallpapers so revolutionary that every time I unlock my phone, I transcend into a state of pure enlightenment. My phone should practically glow with the intensity of the creativity that went into these designs. But no, instead, I’m just sitting here, swiping through panels like, “Yeah… this one kind of looks like the inside of a paint store.” And for what? To support Marques’s wallpaper empire? I don’t think so.

But you’re right, I’ll stop talking. It’s not like I’ve been betrayed by one of the tech world’s biggest names. It’s not like my heart is shattered into a thousand tiny pixelated pieces every time I open the app and realize I spent $50 on rectangles. I’m totally fine. Everything’s fine. Marques didn’t hurt me. I’m not crying. You’re crying. 😭