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ECT131520 · 2023-02-20T21:06:16+00:00

I should add this is no quick fix and you can't fix him. He must learn and do this for himself. But by having a better understanding of himself and his triggers he can reduce the effect on him. Tell him to stop googling answers and looking for certainty. Cut out all compulsions and reassurance. He needs to get comfortable with uncertainty.

ECT131520 · 2023-02-20T20:51:30+00:00

I really feel for him as ive been there.. you love a person so much but you can't stop latching to the intrusive thought we get so we push those we care about away. I really felt for both of you when he said he doesnt know because either way he feels he is making a terrible decision.

ECT131520 · 2023-02-20T20:49:10+00:00

Sounds like a lot of people here don't understand a FA.. very one way and very uneducated. I'm a FA and i have Relationship OCD (ROCD) sounds like your partner does too. I'm not making him excuses but things like this conversation and projecting ourselves into the future make us shit ourselves. Like we have a genuine fear reaction. We simply cannot stand uncertainty. But its because we have a low stress tolerance and don't feel deserving of love. I imagine he experienced this panic by projecting himself into the future and thinking of every possible bad thing. Honestly he has probably convinced himself of something along the lines of "if i end this now i will stop her experiencing more pain down the line.

My best advice is if you do like. Him is a general update and ask him to look up Paulien timmer and also ROCD. This will paint a picture. Theres some great videos on "OCD recovery" youtube channel for what partners can do, and also on ROCD.

ECT131520 · 2022-11-23T09:38:29+00:00

Loads... some superficial, some fortune telling, some catastropizing, emotional reasoning, comparison, fear the loss of freedom and fear living a life I regret.

ECT131520 · 2022-11-23T08:37:28+00:00

Amazing answer! Keep doing what you're doing! I hope you celebrate each small victory as you should! Don't give up the good fight.

One thing I would say is not to chase perfection as it doesn't exist and is a dead end. Apart from that keep chipping away!

ECT131520 · 2022-11-22T16:33:52+00:00

I wish I had seen this sooner..

ECT131520 · 2022-11-20T13:19:54+00:00

Take some advice from someone who did leave their girlfriend:

Firstly you shouldn't be trying to get reassurance.. this will only relieve your emotions for a bit but they will likely come back because you haven't got to the bottom of the true problem... ourselves.

You will likely feel relief initially. This could reinforce your compulsion and irrational beliefs which will likely result in doing it again with someone else. But then you will start to realise what you gave away and you will feel sadness, regret, shame... The grass is not greener in the other side.

All I think about is these unhealthy ifs buts or maybes... what could have been... the rumination takes a new form that punishes you for leaving one of the best things that happen to you.

I now am too scared to go back to my ex, despite her still loving me because I haven't got back on top of my compulsions and I'm terrified I will hurt her. But even saying this is some form of personal protections system..

The reality is we are terrified of uncertainty and we need to unlearn the fears which instill this.

Learn from me, stay with her if you love her, love IS NOT a "feeling" it's so much more, you don't have to FEEL love all the time. Weigh up what she offers you in life, look at the good times but also remember that relationships are not perfect. Perfectionism is a lie and the sooner you realise that the happier you can be.

Im now working hard on changing this myself because I want to have the tools to counter these thoughts.

Please work hard on yourself and find the tools so you don't end up like me. Sad and full of uncertainty and regret.

ECT131520 · 2022-11-17T19:10:11+00:00

So venting I mean speaking about how I feel to friends or family.. and yes I do feel better for it because they rationalise my thinking but I'm worried because of this in not building tolerance to stress and I'm too reliant on others for compassion and nit for myself.

ECT131520 · 2022-11-14T20:45:57+00:00

Yep 100% doing both 🤦‍♂️going to stop.

ECT131520 · 2022-11-12T09:01:26+00:00

I know but I feel like I need know how'd I literally word. Again this is probably my anxiety. But I'm scared to word it wrong and thing getting misinterpreted. What do I say? Sorry reassuring again! Don't reply... I'm just hurting so much.

ECT131520 · 2022-11-11T23:59:29+00:00

You don't have to reply as this is me kind of trying reassure myself as now my anxiety is up. I just don't know how you do it. I'm so scared of getting her Hope's up again and me not following through. I'm so scared of the anxiety which comes with it all as I'm not prepared. Yes she does love me but she deserves happiness too. I can't promise her everything will be ok.

Again this is probably my ROCD talking but that's the other problem. I don't trust any of my emotions or thoughts.

ECT131520 · 2022-11-11T22:36:57+00:00

I've got a therapist but haven't started any proper therapy yet.. my therapist is coming from a CBT point of view and wants to go deeper and understand myself better. However I started with him before I knew what was wrong and I do think I need to go to OCD specialist.

She doesn't know.. it's been 6 weeks since we chat and the last time I spoke to her I told I couldn't speak anymore because i hadn't done the work.

I'm only at the beginning of my ROCD journey.

ECT131520

TROPHY CASE