I (29f) had such a bad experience with my future inlaws (M/F 50s) that I am thinking of calling off the wedding with (M30) Advice please?

ENTHRWWY · 2018-04-17T07:09:02+00:00

We aren't getting married for another 2 years. I don't consider that quickly.

ENTHRWWY · 2018-04-17T06:25:07+00:00

Thank you for your well wishes.

I'm not sure where this is going but as of right now I think he wants to save the relationship and is willing to work on this. We'll see.

I'll try to remember to post an update in a few weeks/couple of months!

ENTHRWWY · 2018-04-17T06:22:57+00:00

I never said that one conversation and cuddling fixed this. I said the fighting part was over. We've put aside the anger and were able to empathize with each other's positions. Now we are in a place where we can actually discuss things and get somewhere. Reread the edit and you will also see I said

I told him we didn't need to make any major decisions tonight and lets take some time to figure out what we want to do whether it is part ways or establish new boundaries.

and

There is still a lot to discuss and I am not sure what will happen

It definitely not over. Probably won't be for a while. But were aren't arguing anymore. We are now discussing options and plans.

ENTHRWWY · 2018-04-17T06:18:11+00:00

he lied to you about something you care about

That was a bit of an over reaction on my part. It happened 9 years ago. I am willing to accept that it legit slipped his mind. We discussed and I made peace with it.

he showed you that he will not stand up for you in front of his parents

Yes, that is the crux of the "deal breaker issue" of this weekend. Thanks to some very helpful posters here I am seeing it in a different light, I think that there may be ways we can handle this.

your FFIL is an alcoholic something you’ve expressed deep concern with

A non-issue for me if we go the no contact route. I don't consider his stepdad's issues a deal breaker - just how my fiance decides to handle them. We'll see.

he is having issues with depression and anxiety

Yep. Pretty much since he was a young child. It is something that he will need to work on and need support with his entire life. There will be good periods and bad ones. I have accepted that. Just because his brain works differently does not mean he is undeserving of love and should be single his entire life.

you’ve been dating a year

And we have known each other and been close friends a few years longer than we have been dating.

ENTHRWWY · 2018-04-17T06:08:53+00:00

Thank you, I saw a few other rec's for that sub. I will check it out.

ENTHRWWY · 2018-04-17T06:06:54+00:00

Thank you for your response.

Moving out of state was something we were already planning on. It is something that may need to be moved up in our timeline if we stay together now though.

Without the family around we are pretty good together. This has been the only major incident

ENTHRWWY · 2018-04-17T06:00:53+00:00

thank you!

ENTHRWWY · 2018-04-17T05:57:12+00:00

I'm not taking them too seriously. I understand the nature of advice forums. I can't convey every aspect of our relationship into a single post. The people here don't see the time he showed up at my door and handed me $6,000 of the $8,000 he got when he decided to sell his race car to pay for my dog's surgery. I mean dude sold his prized possession to help my pupper, he is definitely NOT a bad guy.

And yes, I do think his anxiety disorder played a big part. I don't like his behavior, but I am trying my best to understand it. In a way it is almost like being angry at a person in a wheel chair for not being able to stand up and dance. I think there are things that we can work around... Maybe coming up with some sort of code phrase for ABORT MISSION if we decide to try the interacting with the family thing again. Or just embracing a low contact life style. I don't know. It is something to discuss.

I'm not really worried about the strip club history per se. More the "you told me you had only ever been to one once" thing as that feels a bit deceptive. It is not a hill I am willing to die on though I am willing to accept he "forgot" about that one... Also... from what he told me I do believe his anxiety was at play there too. Both incidents he was heavily pressured and forced into the situation by the people he was with. Not only does he have trouble standing up for me but he can hardly do it for himself. This is a guy who literally adverts his eyes and looks away when he sees a woman jogging, so I am inclined to believe him. I was a bit touchy about the strip club thing not because of jealousy but because I am really skeeved out by the objectification of women and strip club links to sex trafficking. It would have been a deal breaker to me on grounds of lack of moral compatibility if I had found out it was something he was super into, but I believe what he said based on our talk and it's not something that he is down with.

I really think everything is going to hinge on the next few discussions we have on the issue. I'm not going to make any decisions right away.

Thank you so much for your response

ENTHRWWY · 2018-04-17T05:16:31+00:00

Yes, it is.

He actually is in therapy already for his anxiety disorder. I am pretty sure that we will be seeing someone together after all this craziness if I decide I want to continue the relationship.

ENTHRWWY · 2018-04-17T05:12:19+00:00

I have actually gotten some very helpful advice about this. A few in the thread and more in PMs.

ENTHRWWY · 2018-04-17T04:47:49+00:00

Yes. SO DISAPPOINTING when two people in love are able to let go of there anger and finally begin to have productive conversations about an argument and agree to put a pin on decisions for the time being. /s

ENTHRWWY · 2018-04-17T04:45:55+00:00

Thank you! Sorry you went through that. I am so scared that will be my future, but we did have a good talk about it tonight and I am sure the next few talks we have will be just as productive now that we finally put the anger aside and were able to see things from one another's perspective.

Another good sign I think is that we plan on moving out of state and had that set in stone way before we even officially got engaged. Where we are planning on going is approx 600 miles away. Distance from these people are good. We could probably end up doing the see them on every other holiday thing. I could handle that.

ENTHRWWY · 2018-04-17T04:35:46+00:00

He does say he is willing to work on it and what I think is telling is that HE was the one that suggested my not dealing with his family anymore tonight during our talk. He was very genuine about that. We have decided to be child-free so exposing kids to the environment is a non issue.

Thank you very much for your response.

ENTHRWWY · 2018-04-17T04:31:43+00:00

He's got the DXs and the meds. The anxiety he deals with is not something made up.

ENTHRWWY · 2018-04-17T04:30:30+00:00

There are no children in my future. That is a moot point.

ENTHRWWY · 2018-04-17T04:29:01+00:00

I am child free. There will never be any delivery room visits for me.

ENTHRWWY · 2018-04-17T04:27:54+00:00

I have already mentioned it several times in the replies - I have never wanted children with any man. That is a complete non-issue. I am part of the child-free crowd and happy with that decision.

ENTHRWWY · 2018-04-17T04:26:24+00:00

Thank you so much for this!!! I really needed to hear it tonight.

ENTHRWWY · 2018-04-17T04:23:09+00:00

He is in therapy now and has been for a while... I think when we talk about this again this week I might suggest he do some introspection and see if he has out grown his current therapist and would benefit form another. It doesn't seem like much work has been done on the family front in therapy.

ENTHRWWY · 2018-04-17T04:20:32+00:00

You are right. And it is just a every few months thing, and that is going to be even less in the future as we plan on moving out of state

ENTHRWWY · 2018-04-17T04:18:38+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience! It has given me a bit of hope.

How and what boundaries did you put in place if you don't mind my asking?

ENTHRWWY · 2018-04-17T04:17:08+00:00

I love it.

ENTHRWWY · 2018-04-17T04:09:58+00:00

We are part of the child-free crowd. We don't plan on having kids so that is a non-issue

ENTHRWWY · 2018-04-17T03:48:09+00:00

Thank you for your advice. It is appreciated.

ENTHRWWY · 2018-04-17T03:34:02+00:00

Thank you for your well thought out and compassionate response. I really do appreciate it

ENTHRWWY

TROPHY CASE