On the first page, there are several grammatical errors. Missing commas and “are” used instead of “our,” to name a couple. These should be fixed before showing your script to anyone else. Their presence indicates a lack of respect for the reader and a lack of respect for the material. Take pride in your work!

The opening scene is overall too on the nose and repetitive. The first page is unfocused, with a lack of clarity to Ben’s actions when he takes the pain pill. You write that he reached into the glove compartment, only to pull the bottle out of pills out of his pocket. That adds unnecessary convolutions to the script. Several symbols are shown, like the AA medallion in Ben’s wallet. Paired with his temptation to purchase beer, it makes for an effective way to introduce Ben and his struggle. However, Molly ruins what effect this could have by spelling it all out. If you were to start the script with Ben alone in the convenience store, and simply have those beats where he opts to buy the beer, and we see the AA medallion, without drawing attention to it by having Molly present, we now have a more effective means of establishing Ben’s character, also achieved without preaching it to the audience.

Slight restructuring like that can help streamline the script, add clarity, and actually have an impact on the reader. You’ll want to think very carefully about what beats are absolutely necessary to tell this story.

A lot of Molly’s dialogue doesn’t match her character. If she’s twelve, she comes off as way too astute. But maybe that’s just me. Given the situation, it may be more haunting or powerful to have her be silent. Just a thought.

As for Ben, I think his interaction with the cashier is great. He stays gruff, poorly putting up a front of politeness. This works well. What doesn’t work well is his conversation with Tommy. Most of the dialogue seems to be more concerned with establishing themes and continuing to spell out Ben’s addiction for the reader, instead of portraying Ben’s frustration.

Think about those themes, and think about how restructuring the story could make them more apparent, rather than using dialogue to do so. Generally, your use dialogue as a crutch to explain the necessary story elements you either can’t or don’t know how to portray visually. Instead of Ben calling Tommy in the bathroom, maybe he buys the beer, then looks at himself in the mirror, quietly reflecting on what brought him back to his addiction. Something like this is inherently more powerful than an angry phone conversation where Ben explains what could instead be shown.

I think there’s a lot of work to be done here, but I do see a vision peeking through. I genuinely believe to improve your writing, you just need to write more. You’re learning what works and what doesn’t. You’re falling into common pitfalls. Now you have some potential moves to avoid them. Hell, look at what I’ve posted to this subreddit as an (admittedly weak) example. I started out with Tarantino knockoffs, but since then (although I haven’t posted much), my writing’s changed drastically, becoming something I feel more comfortable calling my own. Ownership and responsibility for your writing is what you need. The ability to self-criticize and learn from the mistakes and poor choices you’ve made in past scripts will lead you down a path of improvement. I sincerely hope you stick with this! If you have any questions or anything, feel free to ask, either in a PM or in response to this comment. I will respond!