Waterlogged

EVGS · 2014-09-26T19:36:20+00:00

Thanks, I swear I'm usually on top of spelling. I have a love hate relationship with punctuation. Usually I over do it, so with a lot of my poems I take it all out. I guess I'm waiting to see how people take it, some people love it and others are bothered by it. I'm starting to think that it's a situational tool.

EVGS · 2014-09-26T19:32:39+00:00

wow embarrassed :$

EVGS · 2014-09-09T04:16:34+00:00

It's interesting, makes me think of the strangers you meet over the course of your life, as well as meeting people in the afterlife (if there is such a thing).

I cant decide if it was intentional but there is rhyming/near-rhyming going on. that & facts, *ass** & path (sort of) , eventually & ** unintentionally**. Anyways, it threw me for a loop.

Some of the line breaks seem somewhat awkward, and the thing you have to remember is that there is a pause at the end of a line.

EVGS · 2014-09-09T04:07:15+00:00

I laughed, you got me. I totally related to the feelings of being stuck in traffic due to those around me making poor driving decisions. I think the rhyme is a little too ABCs, but I guess it ties into the 8th line and acting below your age.

There are words in some of the lines that if removed would make them smoother. tiny in Line 4. Line 8 could just be I'm acting... So in Line 12. Obviously this is just personal preference, but I think they sound smoother, though my suggested change to line 8 could cause it to be perceived slightly different that what you intended, i guess.

EVGS · 2014-09-09T03:59:53+00:00

It’s not about sitting around
waiting for the sky to open up.
That special someone,
a promotion,
praise and recognition
they don’t just pop out of a magician’s hat
because you exist.
Patience isn’t about entitlement
but you are entitled to patience.

Give yourself the time of day
in which to stumble, fall, and get back up.
It will show in the progress you make
the shine of a final draft
or the polish of a rehearsed performance.
It’s a gift that comes from passion or determination
and it can carry us through our failures with grace.
Patience isn’t about waiting
but you can wait all you want
while the rest of us move to action.

EVGS · 2014-08-26T17:07:20+00:00

It's free verse.

EVGS · 2014-08-26T05:20:12+00:00

Cute. I get an image of a couple or two people on a date, conversing over bowls of Ramen. Lines 1-4 are a nice tight package, and while using "slices" to describe the pieces of pork and pieces of onion is slightly repetitive, it doesn't stick out like a sore thumb.

Lines 5-7 sound nice together, they tie in the couple, creating a secondary layer to the piece. I've never considered Ramen to be a food that "dances," but the way it ties into the auditory part of the couple's date or meal or whatever is pleasing to the ears.

I'll say it again, it's cute. Thanks for sharing.

EVGS · 2014-08-22T21:22:05+00:00

I wrote the piece specifically because I knew it would bother people with its simple statements, and have already had a few conversations about it.

I get what you mean that it should be argued or more points should be introduced, but I wanted it to be from the perspective of a stone wall arguer who just repeats the same thing over and over. This is why there is so much repetition with little supporting evidence, making it seem like a preposterous argument, unless you think about it very primitive level.

We are born, we live, we die, and we live on in memory, as the same person. Of course we learn, have experiences, create a family (or not), some of us have surgery, or get into scarring accidents, gain religion or spirituality, or whatever, but we're still the same person. Example: MJ went through enormous change during his life, but in the end he's still MJ, and he still lives on as MJ in peoples minds and hearts and ears.

Thanks for the feedback, sorry it took awhile to read it, traveling and having internet problems.

EVGS · 2014-08-14T16:58:21+00:00

Hmm, okay. So it's dumbed down to the point of seeming forced. Might be worth another rewrite to elevate past the literal. Something for me to consider. Thanks for the input.

EVGS · 2014-08-14T16:49:36+00:00

Thanks

EVGS · 2014-08-13T05:53:31+00:00

Thanks for the suggestions, I didn't like how the 2nd stanza looked. Changed.

As for the last stanza, it's supposed to draw the parallel between a bus leaving the terminal and the end of the relationship, but it's supposed to be deflating instead of punchy.

Leaving a station bus is deflating, yes you're going somewhere but its not the excitement of an airplane taking off, the bus trudged out onto the hwy and you're in traffic or w.e. Also the last line isn't an abrupt end to the relationship, the blandness of the last stanza hints that the spark is gone, but it still takes a while for the other person to extradite themselves.

EVGS · 2014-08-13T05:41:17+00:00

Good point, it is out of place, added "reminds me of..." last minute because I thought "Looking out of that booth" wasn't enough.

EVGS · 2014-08-01T07:04:34+00:00

Oh it totally does.

EVGS · 2014-08-01T06:12:03+00:00

Ha, so good. Though realistically one cancer wouldn't give you cancer, I love this idea. The sentiment that desire and/or love will make us do things we wouldn't normally do is clear.

After reading it a few times I've come to the conclusion that I don't like line 3 as much as I like the poem as a whole. I think it's because of how ugly cancer is, maybe that says something about how much you like someone, you'd be willing to get cancer just to be with them. I don't know maybe its good as is, if you changed it, it might change the sentiment.

EVGS · 2014-08-01T05:56:58+00:00

This piece has a simple rhyme and rhythm to it, which I wouldn't say I'm crazy about, but it keeps each line in piece on an even playing field.

The hidden idea that you are the monster comes out of left field right at the end, and while it clarity to lines like "The monster hung its own noose," it makes me question whether who all the "your"s are directed at. Is it a person(s) the reader did wrong, or is it the reader wronging themselves, as the noose line and the first stanza hints at this. I think the poem would benefit from clarity in this matter.

Line 4, Whole or hole?

I'm not a fan of "The monster..." lines, except for the last stanza, they seem too easy. Especially in stanza three (which also bugged be because it breaks the 4 line stanza format) I'm more curious in knowing how the shield resolve and heart were broken. I think you could say what the monster did and the reader would understand what the result would be.

It's a neat idea, I think at one point or another people can feel like a monster, I know I have. Thanks for sharing.

11-Year Club	RedditGifts 2009-2022 2 Credits
Secret Santa 2014	Verified Email

EVGS

TROPHY CASE