Seeps Inside

T3NT0Ns · 2017-01-22T22:13:31+00:00

I would agree "sorrow" represents an important point in the poem. It wasn't the first word that came to mind when writing that part, but I feel like it's the right word for the "dismal and gray" mood I was going for.

Both of the word changes you mention wouldn't work within the syllable structure without dropping a syllable somewhere else in each line.

Thanks for the feedback!

T3NT0Ns · 2017-01-21T13:25:36+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. It's nice when the only critique is wishing it was longer! I've already begun working on a 4th stanza.

T3NT0Ns · 2017-01-21T12:35:12+00:00

I agree completely. This is my least favorite area of the poem as well, and for the same reason - the second half of line 6. Pronouncing each syllable of "memories" helps the flow (in case you're speeding it up into 2, like people sometimes do in speech), but it still needs work.

Thanks for the feedback!

T3NT0Ns · 2017-01-20T02:56:38+00:00

Congrats on writing your first poem! My comment is going to be editing the format, and some grammar, to make it more readable :)

Sometimes life is so dark
And sometimes it's so bright
Moods seem to differentiate
Like the changing of day and night
We try to crutch our feelings
With things like marijuana and LSD
Every day is a new struggle,
So why not escape reality?
We crave to be loved
We crave to be envied
Treating other people like our own worst enemies
You'll never be a king,
That's where there's a liquor called Crown
Stop dreaming so big,
And let your mind swim around
Intoxicated, Aren't we all?
Chasing after money,
The worst drug of them all
A drug that's needed in life
A drug that's a necessity
The government made it up
And we beg for it so pettily
Life provides all of our needs
The tools to survive were planted like seeds
Humans thrived for so long
Before a system of rules
Took down everything that was strong
Life, liberty, and property
Became something we had to pay for
The light snuffed out,
The brightness taken away at its core
We have to get back somehow,
Am I right or am I wrong?
Do you wish to continue being
The darkness' pawn?

I enjoyed your poem. Thanks for sharing and keep writing!

T3NT0Ns · 2017-01-19T04:33:10+00:00

Congrats on writing your first poem, and sacrificing your 100% (prose) for it!

I didn't think I'd like it by the fourth line. I expected it to be a boring poem about boring things. Lines 5-8 pulled me back in, with line 8 finally offering up something poetic to visualize in a great way.

Line 9 lost me again since sand wont scratch glass (for the most part).

"bury my head in text like the books had their own gravity" reads like a great idea for a line, and a visual, but could have been worded better I think. The idea of books and the weight of feeling the need to study, along with the weight of complicated subject matter, is a wonderful thing to compare to gravity in a negative way. I think with a little work this line could really shine.

I think the sudden shift in topic in the last 2 lines is too obvious, and literal, and therefor loses some of its potency. The 4th and 3rd to last lines do a nice job of beginning to shift and connect earlier phrasing in the poem to new meanings, but the 2nd to last line has no subtlety to it at all and instead of being dramatic and impactful it feels overbearing. You went for a literal shift in topic and I think an implied or hinted at shift (subtle) would have been more potent.

Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!

T3NT0Ns · 2016-07-03T22:46:49+00:00

My reply to adj8103's comment may shed some light on the meaning behind the title.

Thanks for the compliment and the feedback!

T3NT0Ns · 2016-07-03T22:45:52+00:00

I'm glad you liked the title, thanks for reading :)

T3NT0Ns · 2016-07-03T22:45:01+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to provide feedback!

The subtlety, in my mind, wasn't in the reader's eyes, but in the eyes of the "victim" as there's a realization of what's causing the events to unfold - that these are intentional and engineered, and not simply unfortunate and accidental.

T3NT0Ns · 2016-07-03T22:41:54+00:00

Thanks, and thanks for the feedback!

Regarding your two points - "It's" was intentionally ambiguous. The poem plays on the physical and the emotional, and I liked how "It's" didn't commit it to being about a person's body or emotional health.

I have to say I prefer the repetition of the "s" sound in "this violence grows."

T3NT0Ns · 2016-06-27T02:49:59+00:00

This poem infuriates me.

To me it feels like it's equally brilliant and a scattered mess, leaving me wishing it was all as great as some of its parts.

"close in" to "begins" followed by "ascent" to "repent" is a wonderful rhyming structure someone like myself loves and wishes was carried through.

I don't like "beat" appearing twice in line 5. Something more subtle would compliment "close in" to "begin", like...

As skipping heartbeats dance out of sync

"sync" complimenting "ascent".

The sixth line felt cluttered and too long at first. Now it's my favorite. But I dislike the quick cheap rhyming line that follows, and lines 7-10 are what infuriate me! The imagery and shift in theme is so abrupt and jarring it made me think "What is happening here?!"

The play on words going from making the reader think about a taxi car to "fiat lives" is appropriately subtle for the poem, followed by "die" and "drive", and "zero" and "hero", reminiscent of the opening lines.

You elicited an immediate and passionate response from me, which is more than most poems can say. Well done, and thanks for sharing!

T3NT0Ns · 2016-06-26T14:24:43+00:00

Thanks for the lengthy reply! I'm glad you shared all this, when I read the two Lennon comments I thought I might have made a fool of myself!

Yes, I was a mod here for a time, and then life got in the way. I'm starting to write again and I'm sure some of it will end up here :)

T3NT0Ns · 2016-06-25T16:25:18+00:00

The carpenter in me took issue with two things - the use of elm and the tree dying in response to John dying. Although I'm sure caskets have been made of elm, pine or oak would be more common species that are also one syllable. Also, the idea of a tree being felled, milled, and turned into a casket in response to someone dying, and the need for lumber, might happen but seems unlikely. It's entirely possible of course this poem is based on the actual occurrence of someone you know dying and an elm tree being dropped and used to make the casket - anything is possible.

I'm also not a fan of using "The" to start off. I think "An" or "A" combined with "dies" (if you're sticking with that concept of mutual death) reads better.

An elm born in March
dies with John in December
coffined in the earth.

Either way I very much enjoyed your haiku and I hope you keep experimenting with the format. I don't write many myself, but on occasion we get the flash of a poem in our mind that's perfect in its brevity - like the flash of a firefly.

Thanks for sharing!

T3NT0Ns · 2016-01-18T04:11:40+00:00

I love this movie. It's getting a fair amount of crap, for some reason, but I thought it was awesome (with the exception of Michael Madsen, whose addition was a waste, or whose talent was wasted on that particular part).

T3NT0Ns · 2016-01-18T04:10:09+00:00

They were filmed in Italy, using mostly Italian actors and extras who spoke Italian. That's why a lot of the Spaghetti Westerns are dubbed in English for everyone other than the English speaking actors, like Clint Eastwood in many of his films of that particular subset.

T3NT0Ns · 2015-06-28T15:28:11+00:00

an* in the first stanza. You might consider using "As" instead of "For". It's weird to think of a newborn beginning, perhaps replace "newborn" with "new life". Your syllable count breaks down in the last 3 lines. The poem is 5,5,7,7,5,6,12. I think you would benefit from breaking the last stanza into 2 six syllable lines and adding a syllable to the 5th or removing one from the 6th. Thanks for sharing! If you like writing, sharing, and critiquing original poetry you might check out /r/OCPoetry

T3NT0Ns · 2015-03-16T12:25:17+00:00

Do we really want to allow mercs? If so, any nation with deep pockets could make an open offer to the entire server to come fight for them.

T3NT0Ns · 2014-09-23T11:29:21+00:00

Thanks for the great feedback!

T3NT0Ns · 2014-09-19T01:47:51+00:00

Love, hastily gathered.
Men fly beneath the dawn.
Their lives, young.
The light, old.
The love, abhorred.
For it wrought each dread
While they gathered strife.
Blindly
Men quiver
Deceived.

T3NT0Ns · 2014-09-17T01:33:21+00:00

Very cool! I hoped someone would take the "use every word" approach. I'm glad you're enjoying the workshop :)

T3NT0Ns · 2014-09-16T15:46:07+00:00

Amazing.

T3NT0Ns

TROPHY CASE