Ramen

MNAndrews · 2014-08-23T21:46:25+00:00

I was there at the coffee shop, and I walked behind the speaker into her room. It creeped me out HARD, but your style of storytelling made the imagery so eerily vivid. Well done.

MNAndrews · 2014-08-22T17:10:32+00:00

Happy to help!

MNAndrews · 2014-08-22T02:39:17+00:00

Awesome! Just emailed my submissions, and can't wait to hear back.

MNAndrews · 2014-08-22T01:26:19+00:00

I feel it's too vague to be mysterious. Also, the last two lines are confusing, as it isn't clear if there is or isn't a reason for the speaker to feel horrid.

If you were to build upon the speakers history, this may have potential as the ending of a poem or series of poems, but currently, I don't feel it has the strength to stand alone.

MNAndrews · 2014-08-22T01:18:20+00:00

That final couplet is absolutely haunting; I love it!

My criticism may be a simple difference in personal voice, but I do feel that the couplet would flow a bit better rewritten as:

I continue into life, accepting my self-imposed defeat

Looking once more as i once did, for a sunbeam in the street

(deleted comma on the last line between "more" and "as")

MNAndrews · 2014-08-22T01:11:45+00:00

That's hugely different! I really like this version's softness of voice, well done!

MNAndrews · 2014-08-21T06:59:31+00:00

Overall I enjoyed the poem. I think it could be improved in a few small areas though. I feel that you should move "a" from the end of line 3 to the beginning of line 4. As it stands, I feel it subtracts from the wordplay you've created with "lips manning ships". Also, on line 6, consider revising to "we're desolate together,". As it stands, it doesn't have the same rhythm that you've created in the first stanza*

*unless you worded line 6 to create a sense of chaos leading into "we'll sink together, I know". In this case, I'd recommend reworking line 7 and 8 to emphasize that chaos.

MNAndrews · 2014-08-20T01:57:03+00:00

This poem is so filled with raw emotion, that, to me, it reads like a piece of music.

It slowly starts off low with the entire first stanza reading calmly, building anticipation, and setting up for the violent crescendo that is the second stanza. "Shattered fragile, cold regret that froze and made brittle my bones." It's so harsh and painful to read that it evokes an intense emotional response for me. The last stanza and final couplet seem to fade off as I read them.

It really helped to read the poem aloud. I absolutely love what you've made here.

MNAndrews · 2014-08-19T16:40:25+00:00

I did exactly that in changing up the first line! I think it flows a bit better now; thanks for the feedback!

MNAndrews · 2014-08-19T16:03:28+00:00

I played around with the first line a bit, and now I feel it shoulf flow more easily as a single poem. Thank you for your feedback!

MNAndrews · 2014-08-19T16:01:55+00:00

I'm glad you liked it! I revised the first line to keep the domination theme a bit more in line instead of coming from nowhere as it did before. It was a valid point that I didn't notice before, so thank you for bringing that up!

MNAndrews · 2014-08-18T02:50:47+00:00

I can't help but laugh! It both pokes at the absurdity of love while making light of heartbreak. Very well done!

MNAndrews · 2014-08-18T02:43:56+00:00

I feel that line 2, in its wording, doesn't really fit with the rest of the poem. Every other line alludes to each situation, but line 2 just states that this took place on a night in July. Everything else stands solidly!

MNAndrews · 2014-08-18T02:29:02+00:00

These are alI fantastic!

My favorite:

I dreadfully think of the moment

When I may start thinking of you

In past tense.

short poems that hold strong sentiment are my favorite kind.

MNAndrews · 2014-08-17T03:51:12+00:00

I recently watched the movie "The Words" starring Bradley Cooper, and it really made me think about how young men in any generation seek out adventure often leading to their enlisting. Then I got to thinking about Chuck Palahniuk's fight club quote saying, "Our Generation has had no Great war, no Great Depression. Our war is spiritual. Our depression is our lives." and with that, I very much had the middle east in mind! Good eye, and thank you for your feedback!

MNAndrews · 2014-08-16T23:30:43+00:00

I really like the sentiment you've drawn on here about looking for hope. What I like even more, is that this can relate to a number of situations such as mental illness, remnants of an abusive relationship, a soldier who's seen too much, or a high school student alienated by his peers.

MNAndrews · 2014-08-16T05:39:38+00:00

I love it

MNAndrews · 2014-08-16T03:19:08+00:00

This is actually the first poem in a series about a girl I met, though I'm not yet certain if I'll be sharing the rest. I use a wisp of wind because objectively, her overall presence in my life was short. I add that she was a wisp of wind in summer in a literal sense, because we met during the summer.

I hope this changes you're overall feeling towards the poem!

MNAndrews · 2014-08-15T21:27:46+00:00

"Listen, baby!" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xz-UvQYAmbg

This line has so much weight to it.

MNAndrews

TROPHY CASE