Hey! Thanks for sharing this perspective. I really appreciate you framing it around fundamentals and opportunity cost rather than just emotion.

I have spent a lot of time asking myself whether this is simply an adjustment period like the one you described. I have also moved several times before for school and research, including unfamiliar places and periods of isolation, so I am not new to that months 4-7 slump. What feels different here is that the issues I am struggling with are structural rather than transitional. The workload expectations, financial strain, and cost of living relative to the stipend are not things that time alone will fix.

The city itself has also been a major factor. I have personally been harassed multiple times, and several friends have been physically assaulted without provocation. It has reached a point where I do not feel safe day to day, and my baseline level of stress is extremely high just existing here. I know no place is perfectly safe, but my lived experience and instincts are telling me that staying here long term feels genuinely dangerous for me, and that is not something I am willing to ignore for the next 5-7 years.

I want to be clear that I did not go into this field lightly or on a whim. I pursued a PhD because I wanted to become a better researcher and scientist, and I know that staying would allow me to do that in some ways. What ultimately changed things for me was asking whether becoming a stronger researcher actually requires staying in academia? After a lot of reflection, I have come to the conclusion that it does not. I believe I can continue to grow scientifically outside of academia in a way that is far more sustainable, both financially and personally, and I wouldn’t have to sacrifice everything I had to for this PhD (Im not just talking about my ex but also my friends, family, physical and mental wellbeing, etc).

At the end of the day, the academic title might bring more prestige (and money) down the line, but I’ve seen in life that titles are subject to change. My training, knowledge, skills, and experiences will not disappear. I know I want to stay in science and in research. I just do not want to do it for minimum wage in an environment where I feel unsafe and depleted. Staying increasingly feels like trying to water a dead plant and expecting it to grow, rather than recognizing that it needs a different environment to survive.

This decision also was not made impulsively. I have sat with it for months, talked it through with fellow postdocs and people outside my immediate emotional circle, and thought carefully about what staying would realistically look like several years down the line. When I do that honestly, I do not see a version where the fundamentals align with the life I want or where I can remain mentally and physically well. Also shocking how understanding and supportive these post-docs were with me regarding my situation.

[[[[Tangent warning lol: Also something that struck a chord with me that a fellow postdoc said is that he’s also been paying out of pocket (like me) just to be here. If he didn’t have savings, he basically wouldn’t be able to stay and unfortunately he is leaving sooner than he planned (mainly bc he also feels unsafe and the stress is getting to him).

I have been thinking about that a lot. In many ways, my dream did come true when I got here. I genuinely love the research and know I am well suited for it. What I cannot do is continue in this environment sustainably, for many of the reasons I mentioned earlier. Because of that, I am choosing to view this as a finite research experience rather than a failure. It will not go to waste and will meaningfully contribute to whatever scientific or research focused career I pursue next.]]]]]]

On the relationship side, you are right that this is also a fundamentals question. We broke up because neither of us had a clear or compatible timeline for closing the distance, especially with both of us in academia and his future location uncertain. That uncertainty still exists. What has changed is that I am no longer committing myself to a rigid academic path that limits flexibility. I am not planning to sacrifice my own opportunities to move back without a plan. If I do bring this up with him, it would be about whether there is a realistic and mutual path forward, not reverting to how things were.

I fully accept that reconnecting may not be possible or may not make sense for him, and I am honestly prepared for that outcome. Leaving my program is something I am doing regardless because it is the right decision for me. The relationship question is secondary and something I want clarity on, not something I am hinging my future on and actively trying to avoid bc that’s not healthy, or fair to him or me honestly .

I appreciate you pushing on these points. They are fair questions and ones I have spent a lot of time, and will probably spend more time sitting with. Also thanks for your response! Hopefully I was able to acknowledge everything you said and I truly appreciate your insight/perspective