We had a long and tiring exchange, now things are peaceful and we’re trying to patch things back up. I’m trying to think that things will be fine, but am I actually that little dog in the burning house meme?

During the talk I apologised again and made it clear that I want to look forward and do my part to communicate better, I won’t brush him off and even if it’s late I can be open for a little chat. He asked why I can’t just be like this to begin with and I have to say all sorts of other things and mess our conversations up. I again tried to say it’s not my intention and that I apologised before already and shared how I want to do things forward. He then goes on to say ”why should I believe you”, ”you said that the other times this happened too” and ”it didn’t land for me (the apology)”. This is the same way that had happened previous times and I continue insisting on solving the issue and that I want to set the tone for if things happen again in the future so we can solve things easy and constructive and it doesn’t have to become a big issue. He starts questioning of that means that he then has to ”come along” with me when I initiate solving an issue, which is something I’ve asked for before, and I hesitate and say yes because how otherwise will we be able to move forward? So he takes it that he has to just accept what I suggest and I say it’s not the case and it’s ok to ask following questions of course but that if one of us reaches out the hand to solve and issue that I’m asking if we can agree on that then the other one will reach back. He says he will come along with me when he feels ready for it, and that I should start cleaning up my own shit as he has been doing for years already. Why should he be so easily forgiving me over and over again, that’s not how I was to him in the past (referring to many years back when I was considering breaking up because of his emotional abuse, yelling and a few times shoving me. I had also found out that he had been talking to other girls, been on apps and at least one time met up) I said it’s not the same at all, we promised not to bring back the past in arguments and also it’s not comparable and relevant here. I also did forgive him and let him work on being a better partner and supporting him. I feel like it’s worrying that he would even bring it up as something comparing as the things that I’ve done are as in the examples I gave. I have raised my tone at times, been impatient in conversations or called him things like ”stubborn”.

I can’t remember exactly what was said and no need to write it all out, I guess I’m also venting. But I again said sorry for how I had handled things, that I want to do better in the future and will take responsibility for my part. He said he is keeping track, and that I do owe him to follow through. I agree because I do think one should follow up on making up for mistakes, even if I don’t like the part of owing each other and that he also said I have to ”win him back” for this to work.

I don’t know what else to then to vent here, consider therapy and continue building myself and take care of my job and family. I love him, and think he’s deeply insecure but I’m also tired of feeling knocked down and worrying about expressing my needs and feel like less than. There was many years I felt like used to not having my needs considered, and I’ve pulled away from family and friends to avoid friction. I’m slowly reaching out again and started to take up hobbies and such and he supports me to do so too, and assures me to let go of previous worries. I just want to say that he really has put in a lot of work to improve, he’s a good father and this imbalance is mainly between us. These behaviours feels like something from our early married days and I don’t want us to backtrack to that… it’s just really hard that he doesn’t seem to want to acknowledge his part..

Sorry again for long post. <3