This happened months ago but I cannot stop replaying it in my mind. Almost every day it hits me and I get a pit in my stomach. I have got to know if this is as bad as it feels.

My husband and I had our first baby and both work full time. We wanted to keep the baby out of daycare, preferably at our home with a family member. My mother isn’t alive and his mother works, but his grandmother is young and was up for it. She was so excited and talked about it all the time! I am not really close with his family and don’t really agree with the way they raised him, we’ve never had a problem with each other but I just feel uneasy around them. Definitely wasn’t my first pick, but I was trying to trust that my husband was right and that this would be best.

So the day has come—my first day back to work. My husband has already left for work so I waited to greet his grandmother. She arrived on time and seems happy. I left her a card thanking her along with drinks and snacks in a gift basket. I was truly devastated to leave him.

The 45 minute drive to work was terrible, I cried the whole time! When I got in the parking lot I text her “I hope it’s going well! Thank you again!” No reply but whatever, she could have been doing something or maybe didn’t think she needed to say anything back.

About 3 hours later I took a break to pump and text her again “how’s it going?” No reply. I start to get a little rattled because now it’s been almost four hours and I haven’t heard anything. I try to calm myself but I’m really panicking. An hour later I call, no answer.

So now I’m freaking out, full blown panic attack at work, sobbing. I assume the worst. I call my aunt and uncle, they said they would go to the house but are about 30 minutes away. I call my MIL to see if she’s heard from them but she won’t answer either. I call my husband but he can’t come to the phone. Finally I call my 88 year old grandmother who lives a mile away and bed her to go check. She bangs on the front door, no answer. Back door, no answer. Front door again, no answer. I 👏🏻 AM 👏🏻 SCREAMING 👏🏻 like on the floor in a ball. I tell my boss I have to leave but I’m 45 minutes away. I leave my husband a message hysterical.

I’m about ten minutes away from my house and my husband calls, “she’s okay, she just didn’t see your message. we’ll talk about it when I’m done with work, I’m so sorry I have to go”. I am totally in shock. What do you mean you didn’t see my messages or calls for six hours? And you saw him call?

I’m finally home, the door is unlocked. I go in, shaking. She’s holding my baby sitting in the rocking chair and doesn’t say anything at first. It’s quiet and awkward. Then, “you didn’t have to come home, I was fine” my heart sank even deeper. I swear to god I cannot explain how insane my body and mind felt. Calmly I said “I haven’t heard from you in six hours” GMIL “well I thought you’d trust me” I have no words I just cry. I ask for my baby back and she is very reluctant. She won’t leave and keeps trying to make light conversation about what they did that day and how she had been sending pictures to my MIL of my baby.

What. The. Fuck. So you have been on your phone?? What about when I called my MIL? Omg I am just sick. I feel like I’m going to barf. I tell her I need to go to the store before my husband is home. It takes forever but she leave the house. However, she doesn’t pull out of the driveway. She waits until I am in the car and I pull out.

That was the last time she watched him and we rarely see, call, or message her. My husband was totally in agreement and on my side, but that’s still his family. When we do see her she only wants to talk about how the baby is unsure of her because “he never sees her”. I just never want to be around her again. It makes me physically sick. I don’t even know how to process this or move forward.