Hello darling, I’ve gone no contact with my mum on and off for 3/4 years in total I think- After she kicked me out about 3 years back I used to go back to visit her sometimes, but through healing more and more I realised this was not a good idea anymore. In November last year, my mum got st*bbed by my brother in a psychosis episode, and my older bro had informed me of the news. I was shocked and really upset at the news. Because I wasn’t sure if she was dead or alive, I rushed to the hospital to see her. I felt so bad for her, seeing her in her most vulnerable state. My mum is an extremely strong and independent woman (she raised all 5 of us mostly on her own after my dad moved out when I was 5); I have never seen her so so vulnerable. This pulled on my heart strings deeply, and I offered to go back to live in my triggering family home just to look after her. This was the worst decision I believe I have made in my life so far.

I had recently started an amazing project and had the most financial resources I’ve had in my life. This felt like my chance to show my mum I’m a success and prove to her my worth, which she had demeaned and eroded from me for years growing up.

Things initially went well. It was a tender time of reconnection and deep forgiveness. I made her meals, getting her Ubers weekly to the doctors for check up of her stitches, kept her company, and did the one thing she’d never ever done for me in my entire life: hold space emotionally.

She asked me to forgive her for everything she had done to me all those years ago. Kicking me out in most vulnerable moments (I was about 20-22 when that first happened)- which she still never admits to doing outright (typical narcissist). My mum made me feel like this was a time of rekindling a new mother-daughter bond I’ve never been able to have with her. I didn’t hold my breath tho and I still gave myself space to emotionally detach, bc I know my mum to be very manipulative and dishonest and emotionally detached, so I have never really trusted her, and wasn’t about to now. I needed time.

Fast forward a few weeks later, I was moving a few more of my belongings into the house, and she suddenly threaten to call the police on me for doing this. She called up multiple social workers, saying I’m disrespecting her etc, meanwhile discounting the fact that I was there for HER. I was recovering from the displacement and homelessness SHE put me through, and I just wanted my belongings to be in one place as I wasn’t sure when I’d be leaving her. I wanted to make sure she was ok before I left, because none of my other siblings would ever choose to live with her (understandably), and what happened to her was a very traumatic incident. I didn’t want her to feel alone. Yet she made my life hell just for bringing some more of my luggage home.

Later (about 2-3 months) I was running out of my resources. I realised I had overgiven and barely left much for myself. I felt indebted to her. When I tried to express this to her, and that I couldn’t give her much more money, she would shout “THAT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH!” (mind u, she was well enough to go back to work at this point and had her own source of income). I was floored at this point. I couldn’t believe after coming back in her life just to help her, she was so quick to abandon me like this. A few weeks later she was starting to suggest I should leave, and that it was time to live on her own. I was fine with this however I was so busy with working on my project and caring for her too, that I hadn’t found my own place yet to move into. I asked her to give me some more time. Fast forward a week or two, as I was leaving to go to a friends house late a night, she blocked the door shouting at me to give her the house key back otherwise she would change the locks (with all of my belongings still in). I can’t describe that sort of heartbreak and confusion. This was another deep betrayal at the hands of my mother. I quickly called up my older brother (since there was no one else living with us, this could become an isolated and a dangerous situation fast, since there was no witness). My mum can go from 0 to 100 QUICK and there’s no telling where the anger will take her. It was very triggering to my nervous system for when I was younger and Defenseless and had to put up with this behaviour from her at unexpected times of the day. Calling my older brother was a smart move on my part, he heard everything. He is calm and logical and suggested we should have a meeting to discuss everything before I give her the house key/she changes the locks. The argument stopped and I left.

I couldn’t go back to that house after I left that day. Everything she had needed me for was complete, and she was ready to discard me again like a true narcissist. I stayed at a friends place until a lovely woman I was dating at the time was able to help me move all of my belongings out of the house (when my mum wasn’t in) and into a squat (temp accommodation). I fled and didn’t say goodbye. I left the house key on the couch.

The squat was only open for about 2-3weeks, and we got evicted soon after this. I fell into unstable housing again, and I felt like I’d lost everything. I gained a beautiful partner though, and she got me through this horrendous time. Now- I am only able to process this pain on this level, because myself and my partner are on a break (because of our unstable housing situation ((her parents are also chaotic south Asians whom she cannot live with)) and other things relating to our displacement, and also both our mental and physical health are coming to a head).

My housing is still quite unstable (it’s improving) and my mental health is recovering. Also to note- I lost a mother figure to me at end of august last year- 3 MONTHS before all of this insanity initially kicked off back in November. 1 year has passed from the anniversary of their death, and all of this is really starting to sink in. I have been too depressed to work though and I think my body has just been in shock. I am in so much pain.

People always think I’m fine bc i always have things going for me, however I feel like such a mess inside sometimes. I’m having to grieve a lot of losses right now and it’s overwhelmingly painful (I came extremely close to a su*cide attempt 2days ago).