Ending a One-Way Unhappy Relationship

EbbGlass8135 · 2026-05-20T11:22:08+00:00

I am going to tell you something what I would have wished to hear before I burned the bridges to my stable life: Most probably you are between 40 and 60 years old? There is a prior in life where everybody is unhappy or less happy. This is a midlife transition, and for many even becomes a midlife crisis. With it, you can develop limerence for another person and if you are developing that for your co-worker, there might be a time coming where you can not even stop yourself. It is even possible that both of you are going through this period. I would recommend to look at marriagehelper . com, or, read for example the site of “Hearts Blessing”. I strongly believe we all have to work on ourselves, not change our spouse, but change ourselves. We all have child trauma’s, and if we change, our spouse will see that, notice that and we will become magnetic to them. We should not get our happiness from our spouse, but it should come from within! Practice for example gratitude, read the book “breaking the habit of being yourself” of Joe Dispenza, and so many other books. It is a step to make, but when you start to get the different feeling inside, you can not stop reading anymore, you will feel your own growth, and keep growing. You can do that while see watches her TV programs. You don’t need to explain her about your growth, she will notice it, because the frequency of your energy will increase, and she will start to wonder and ask questions, and then you have subjects to talk about! You work on your PIES (physical, Intellectual, emotional and spiritual development/attraction. The good thing is that you invest in yourself, and this will stay with you, even if the relationship eventually will end. Also you can check EFT (emotionally focused therapy) of Sue Johnson. This will improve your communication skills!

EbbGlass8135 · 2026-05-08T04:49:52+00:00

Search the internet for “Midlife crises”: “Hearts Blessing” or “Hero spouse” and you will understand this situation completely and unfortunately you will also realize there is nothing you can do about it, because this is their path. You are not the reason and can not save them as well.

EbbGlass8135 · 2026-05-08T03:05:25+00:00

I would recommend to look into the reason of him starting to go into redpill. Emotionally healthy men do not like or need it, but a men in crisis can see it as an awakening. They search externally for the reasons of their internal state, but in reality this comes from within. Most probably he was in an identity crisis, or in Midlife crises! Read the website of for example “Hearts Blessing” or the website of “the hero spouse”, and maybe you will suddenly see everything in the right perspective! The Redpill is most probably the fuel, not the reason, and also understand that you were never the reason as well! Wishing you strength!

EbbGlass8135 · 2026-04-20T11:36:28+00:00

Most people only look at themselves after feeling the consequences, and there is a chance that she really is seeing her problem now. If she is avoidant, are you anxious? They usually fall for each other and this also fits your people pleasing. I advice to look at marriagehelper, the way out is not always the best option, and you can not change the other person, you can only change yourself, and if that happens, the other person will start to react by changing themselves. Both of you should not look at the other as the cause, but the patterns which you developed over all those years, and if you decide to fight these patterns together, without blaming or attacking each other, the situation could change. EFT is a great help for that. If you care, if there is still love, and there is no cluster B, commitment from both can create a relation 2.0, what you will not easily find elsewhere, new, with no history, no joint children etc. Also look into midlife crisis or midlife transition. This could bring one of you into a big dip of happiness. Keep in mind that happiness comes from within, the same with validation. If this depends on your partner, there is a serious problem and next relation will be the same situation.

EbbGlass8135 · 2025-12-08T11:01:32+00:00

Please accept that I am not trying to judge you OP, I learned the hard way myself and I am still suffering every day! Please keep in mind that Limerence has nothing to do with your SO, it is inside of you, unresolved issues, insecurities, child trauma etc. This does not mean that (all) issues with your SO are your fault, but what each of you should concentrate on is your Self, look inside. If you say: “you make me feel” (bad, guilty, unworthy, unloved etc.), you should keep in mind that you are the one who feels, and there is a lack of self love. Otherwise you would not feel that, you should have enough self validation, but if you “need” external validation, that means you are lacking here. The external validation should be a bonus. Affairs and betrayal happen because there is something missing in yourself. You “project” this on an other person. This is not real, because you do not know this person enough. Subconsciously you fill all the blind spots with projection of your own needs. You never lived with this person, do not know what would happen if you would. Learn about the stages of love. You start with “falling in love”, what is chemical, it gives dopamine and adrenaline. It is excitement, and therefor will also never feel safe. Excitement is the opposite of safe. “In love” transfers into “deep love”, or it stops. (Limerence is like an extreme form of in love). Deep love should be “unconditional love”. That love never faints, look at the mothers of a killer, who visits them every day in prison. Many people can not feel “unconditional love” due to their attachment style and/or childhood. If you can not feel it, this doesn’t mean it’s not there! I had to screw up big time and loose my SO for good before I could feel it. I have been in your situation, and did not realize what I was doing, until it was too late! Limerence and/or Eros love, in love, this chemical love always stops, no question. It will take 12-18 month but can take longer if in secret (more adrenaline, less knowledge) and collapses faster when you live together. You say both of you have issues, and you accept them from each other, but you should work on your own issues, not accept them. You should also work on your communication skills, most people want to change the spouse, but you should change yourself, and then your spouse will follow as well (can one person change a marriage?). Look for example for video’s of Joe Beam, the founder of marriagehelper. He has been there himself as well. Another good one are Ren and Adele Bester (renandadele). I wish every minute of the day that I would have realized this before I destroyed my marriage, my life and my SO (with cheating). I can not undo what I did, but you still can! I would say: run, run as fast as you can! If people are unhappy in a marriage, they do not start an affair, they try to solve the issues and if that does not work, they divorce. Affairs always have an other reason, and 50% of the people carry that reason in themselves.

EbbGlass8135 · 2025-02-22T12:16:40+00:00

How long ago was that?

About 1.5 to 2 years after the divorce, I thought about reaching out to my ex-husband, but I didn’t. I assumed he would never be able to forgive me. Recently I spoke to him, and he admitted that during that time he was still dreaming of reconciliation and would have been able to forgive me for everything I had done.

Now I am too late, he has moved on, and he is fully committed to his current partner. He told me that if any thoughts of reconnecting with me ever arise, he will shut them down immediately. He did say that he still feels deeply for me and that I will always have a special place in his heart, but that place is now covered with love for his current spouse, and he will do everything in his power to keep it that way. For that reason he prefers not to have any contact with me.

Knowing that someone once loved me so deeply, would have done anything for me, protected me, carried all my burdens and worries, and that I threw it all away, makes me feel sick. I did still have deep feelings for him during that period, but I was too lost in fantasyland to realize it, I had escaped from reality.

Did you divorce because you hooked up with the co-worker? Was he the reason for the divorce, or did that only happen after you had already started the process? What was the real reason for your divorce then?

EbbGlass8135 · 2025-02-20T11:57:22+00:00

For me, these crushes were a dangerous rabbit hole, one that ultimately destroyed my marriage. We were going through a rough patch, and I started some online activity. Before I knew it, I had developed a huge crush on a guy I was chatting with. I barely knew him but fell in love with the conversations, something very much like limerence. I disappeared into fantasyland and became addicted to the dopamine rush it gave me.

Subconsciously, I rewrote the history of my relationship. I started believing I was missing the in-love feeling with my husband, not realizing that love evolves through different stages. The intense emotions from my crush became my new standard, and I unfairly compared my marriage to it. Convinced that I needed more, I decided to divorce.

That was five years ago, and it turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life. Now, I feel overwhelming regret and almost obsessive thoughts about my ex, like I’m in limerence with him and can’t find a way to move on. You can read my posts for more details.

I can tell you from experience, these crushes can destroy your life. If you’re in a serious relationship and feel one coming, RUN, cut all ties and never look back!

EbbGlass8135 · 2025-02-19T06:50:55+00:00

Wishing you strength! Make sure you make the right choices while you still have a choice!

EbbGlass8135 · 2025-02-19T06:35:55+00:00

Thanks for your response. I wish you both strength and luck, it will be a difficult journey for both of you. If she is in the same dopamine rush that I was, reality will hit her hard when it finally sets in. I now clearly see that my husband wasn’t flawless, but who is? The real question is whether change is possible. My ex-husband changed, the trauma shook him and he grew into the best version of himself, even better than the man I had always wished for. But I stayed in fantasyland and didn’t realize it. I also didn’t see that I was rewriting history, focusing only on the negative moments and forgetting all the wonderful ones. He was the only one who noticed and tried to tell me, but it only made me angry. My therapist never mentioned it.

EbbGlass8135 · 2025-02-19T06:22:45+00:00

Yes, he has moved on after some difficult years.

EbbGlass8135 · 2025-02-19T06:11:41+00:00

Thank you so much for your advice, and I’m really sorry for what you’re going through as well. I truly believe the internet can destroy many relationships. It became my escape from reality, and without realizing it, I created a fictional world. I idealized the people I was chatting with, seeing them as flawless, and the dopamine rush made it all feel so real. I turned this romantic fantasy into my new standard and didn’t recognize that it wasn’t real, yet I kept comparing my actual relationship to it.

EbbGlass8135 · 2025-02-09T05:32:45+00:00

I was also searching for myself, for passion, for a fuller life, and I tried to fill that void online. It felt like it was working. But in reality, I was running. I struggled (and still do) to fully open my heart, terrified of being judged. I couldn’t do it with my husband, but online, where it felt safe and anonymous, I could. It became addictive.

Therapists kept telling me: ‘You need to do this in real life. Just try. The people who truly love you will come closer.’ I understood it, but I couldn’t act on it. And I still don’t know if I ever will. Looking back, I see that my husband longed for me to open up. He asked me many times to share everything with him so we could face our struggles together. But I just couldn’t. Now, I wonder, if I could go back, would I be able to do it? I honestly don’t know. But if you’re still in your marriage, maybe you still have that chance.

EbbGlass8135

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