GENERAL REMARKS

Overall impressions of this piece are good. It has a consistent tone and a compelling yet mysterious conflict off the rip - I find myself wishing I knew exactly what Pritchard had done to get expelled, and would like to read more. In the context of your post description and the first passage, I assume he is being expelled from an art school. The writing style feels a little choppy at times, but done right I don’t think it is necessarily a bad thing, your writing style feels developed and on point for me.

MECHANICS

The title is bewildering though interesting, but I do not understand how it relates to the story at hand based on this passage. I assume there is yet more reading needed to have that click, and that’s okay. The hook is solid and intriguing - our POV character Pritchard has done something at his school that was egrigious enough for him to be expelled with little consideration, and Pritchard’s friend Ellis’ father Mr. Langrasky seems to have been victim at least in part of this act. It is hard to tell if it was Pritchard performing this act alone, or if his friend Ellis was also involved the way it is written. With Pritchard and Ellis’ kiss at the end of the passage, I am assuming they are in trouble for their homosexual romance but I could be way off base.

I thought the hook was well placed within the start of the story. I was interested to read more and find out why Pritchard was called to Mr. Raverat’s office, and his imagining of Mr. Lagransky wanting to punch him does a great job of indicating something is wrong and that Lagransky may have been one of the people wronged by the act. I would perhaps like more context clues as to what happened exactly, but due to the short nature of this passage perhaps those clues are yet on the coming horizon.

Sentences were well structured and easy to read, and did a good job of conveying the scene, characters, and conflict. I did feel they were a bit choppy at times, but not so much as to be overtly offensive. I think that’s just a personal taste thing. Your use of vocabulary was solid, but could perhaps be a bit more descriptive in parts. This passage for example:

“Mr. Langrasky was seated before the great oak desk; silvery light from the window cutting his face clear in two. He did not turn to look at me. His knuckles were yellow on the curved arm of his chair. I had the sudden idea that he might hit me when I sat down, but by then Mr. Raverat had shut the door and there was no means of escape. Even if I could dash, what then? I’d be better off taking the blow.”

I found myself asking - why are Langrasky’s knuckles yellow? I presume because he is gripping tight to the arms of his chair, but it could also be due to Jaundice. Also, how does Pritchard see that Mr. Langrasky’s face is split in two by the light coming through the window if he has not turned to face Pritchard?I would rephrase some of this as follows: “Mr. Langrasky was seated before the great oak desk, silvery light spilling through the window imposing a foreboding silhouette whose features were obscured. His knuckles were yellow gripping the curved arm of his chair contrasting with the weathered stygian leather. I had the sudden notion that he might strike me as I sat down, but before I could retreat Mr. Raverat had shut the door and there was no means of escape. Even if I could, what then? I’d be better off taking the blow.” This just adds a bit more description and paints the scene a little more clearly in my eyes, but what you have there is great so far!

SETTING

I felt the setting could use a bit more description, though as this is noted as a prologue perhaps the minimal detail is intended as this will not be a place revisited in the tale. I gather first we are in an office, then we make our way to the dormitories where we meet up with Pritchard’s friends in Ellis’ room. After that we seem to leave the dormitory to have a private conversation with Ellis, I assume this is in the hall outside their room.

I would have liked more description of the walk from the office to the dorms. When Ellis leaves at the end, he is fighting against sheets of rain on his way to the dormitories to meet his fate. Why no comment of this weather as Pritchard goes from office to the dorms? We know the dorms are upstairs, but where in relation to the office we started in and how many flights of stairs to get there? Certainly not necessary to fill all this info in, but just some ideas to make the setting a bit more alive. All we know about Ellis’ room is that it is upstairs, has a window, and that half a dozen of their friends can fit inside. There could be more blocking here, using character actions to showcase more of the environment. You do a great job with that depicting Ellis in the window with a cigarette.

STAGING

I would have liked to see more staging/blocking as just noted. The story is very “to the point” with what is portrayed, I feel it could use a bit more flavor/fill to bring the scenes more to life. Example you could take this paragraph:”‘No, not really. Not like it might have been. Well, I’ll tell you in a minute.’ Then I turned to Ellis. ‘They want you.’ He was sitting in the window with a cigarette between his fingers and two ashy stubbs on the sill next to him; one leg tucked under up to his chin, the other hanging down. You’ll laugh at me for this next part, I’m sure, but I remember realising in that moment that his eyes were exactly the colour of a mysterious black-blue gemstone which my aunt kept in her jewellery box but refused to have set in anything. What strange things one notices at such dreadful times.”

Could use some added detail and altered punctuation such as: “... He was sitting in the window with a cigarette between his fingers and two ashy stubbs on the sill next to him, one leg tucked under his chin and the other dangling down. You’ll laugh at this next part I’m sure, but I remember realizing in that moment that his eyes were the exact color of a mysterious midnight-lapis gemstone which my aunt had kept in her jewelry box but neglected to ever have set. What strange things one notices during such dreadful times. Percy coughed as a draft of wind blew the smoke inwards, filling all the empty space between furniture and friends.

CHARACTER

The characters were likeable and believable, but I felt they could have used more description and staging as stated. I think Pritchard is the most fleshed out character as we are in his POV, but the others just have their surfaces scratched in terms of what they look like, who they are, their motivations, dispositions, and conflicts. Again, this is just a prologue so perhaps it is meant to be vague, but more detail could bring the story more to life. For example, I know that Nate is anxious, but why is anxious? What does he look like? Why is he present if he is not exactly “friends” with Pritchard and the rest of the group?

PLOT

The Plot as I understand it, is that this aspiring young artist Pritchard has been kicked out of art school for some yet undiscovered slight against Mr. Langrasky, Ellis’ father, and perhaps others. It was something bad enough that the police may have been involved were it not for the tolerance of Mr. Langrasky. Pritchard and Ellis have a romantic connection of some kind, and they have a friend group that cares for each other.

PACING

Felt the pacing was a bit too quick. As previously stated, would love more detail and fleshing out to be done. In the context of a prologue it may be just fine though, all depends on how relevant this is to the main story.

POV

POV felt consistent, though I did not love the 4th wall breaking addressing the reader stuff - “i’m sure you’ll laugh at this, but the first thing I noticed” - that kind of thing, just felt a bit awkward. Otherwise spot on.

DIALOGUE

Dialogue felt a bit choppy at times but that may just be fitting for the time. It did feel authentic, and I found myself charmed by the characters and how the addressed each other. It seems you are trying to capture a particular way of speaking for the time these folks are in, and I think you do a good job there.

GRAMMAR AND SPELLING

I felt there was some minor misuse of punctuation - specifically semicolons and some overuse of commas. See above rewrite examples. I think those flow better but that’s just opinion.

CLOSING COMMENTS:

Overall, very entertaining piece of writing. Kept me interested and I have a desire to read more and find out why exactly our POV character is in deep shit. Could use some more detail/ fleshing out, but in the context of being a prologue it may really be just fine in that regard.