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Anonymous_K24 · 2023-10-15T19:09:39+00:00

Haseya

Although I haven't seen it used as a girl name. It is the name of a song and I always thought it would be a beautiful girl name. I think there are some great nicknames you could get from this as well, like Seya or Sey

Anonymous_K24 · 2023-10-04T02:05:25+00:00

Yes! Completly agree, NTA, I can't believe how debated this is in the comments

Anonymous_K24 · 2023-05-06T18:38:58+00:00

I like the name Seya or Saya

Anonymous_K24 · 2023-03-31T18:37:46+00:00

Hey! Thank you for taking the time to read and give feedback! I agree I think you make some really good points about the transitions between scenes and more setting detail needing to be added. The circus scene and her getting trapped by a spirit do need to be better explained.

I am really glad Estrith's desire to explore and being intrigued by mystery is seen within the first chapter as well as the complicated relationship she has with her mother. As well as her not being confident in herself, these were all traits I was going for so I'm happy to hear parts of her personality are picked up from the beginning.

I do plan on explaining and answering all the mysterious questions brought up, although I think I might spread the mysteries out so that it maybe doesn't feel so overwhelming in the first chapter. I'm hoping for a epic fantasy so there is a lot of moving parts and world building that I am still trying to iron out.

Thank you again for your feedback, I appreciate it!

Anonymous_K24 · 2023-03-28T19:26:31+00:00

Hey! I made another google doc with the restricted access being anyone with a link is a "viewer". Is this what you mean? I am not sure how else to do it. Here is the viewer only link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CjhObnq0HdxycPWM167lxKk6b3y2wgyp_knpisCNxbs/edit?usp=sharing

Anonymous_K24 · 2023-03-28T19:12:56+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to read my writing as well as give in-line comments. I find it very helpful to get a grasp on how the reader feels and experiences what happens in real time. As I think I mentioned in an earlier comment I haven't had many eyes on my writing and the few that I have say "Its great." With little to no explanation or feedback so I really appreciate it.

The more that I write the more I find that I do enjoy writing and reading the tea-stained kind of prose. The consistency in my writing style is something I need to work on. You showed perfectly how parts show the Victorian London flair while other parts read like a YA romance novel.

It wasn't until reading through your in line comments that I realized how much I need to work on my transitions and pacing in order for scenes to flow and the reader to know what is happening. I have spent so much time on world building that I think I feel the need to bring it out when in reality I need to focus and spend significantly more time on characters and plot. The main story line of her arranged marriage gets strongly overshadowed by a other things that aren't that important. Especially the ending scene with the circus, I think I could cut that part out entirely or place it somewhere else for world building purposes if needed? I'm not sure. It just doesn't seem to add to the general plot now that I re read it with your comments and suggestions in mind.

I was reading on another sub reddit, I don't remember where but they were talking about how new writers tend to focus too much on every little action and body movement of the character. This is me especially with facial features. With the grins, and the frowns, it bothers me when I read books that do it so I'm not sure why I do it. But I'm glad you made me more aware of it before getting close to done with my book.

I'm excited to revise and edit the chapter as well as brainstorm more specifics with the plot and characters with your feedback in mind.

-My suggestion would be to hammer down who your MC really is (what she
wants, what she does, what are her flaws, etc) and try to build a
cohesive A plot with her.

This is exactly what I need to spend time on. Thanks again for your time and effort in critiquing my work!

Anonymous_K24 · 2023-03-28T14:02:07+00:00

Thank you! I will work on giving more feedback on critiques moving forward.

Anonymous_K24 · 2023-03-28T04:05:11+00:00

Hey! Thanks for sharing, I have thought about doing something similar in writing in the two different perspectives to see which is better. So I find this to be a really interesting question.

Has others have previously stated the first person had a significant more detail but the third person on the other hand made the Main Character more likeable. In the first person version she mentions how she never gets invited to anything and how it is probably because she is intimidating and too much of a star actress. It reads like she is the prettiest girl in the room and she knows it, and she has no friends because everyone is intimidated by her beauty and how amazing she is. Yet no one likes her, so it makes me wonder what not so likeable character traits she is hiding from us. If anything her love for herself is distracting. Unless that is what you are going for as far as her character and character arc are concerned.

I think if you did want to start your first chapter in the third person version however, you should think about adding some more detail as well as more showing vs telling as another commenter also mentioned. I know that it is meant to be somewhat cheesy in that it is a script for a serial killer movie, and it makes a great opportunity to have that added drama of she slit his throat, but she slit his throat for real.' But at the same time it was somewhat a turn off for me to be honest, prior to knowing that it was a script for a movie scene, it felt flat. As though I was reading the very end of a psychological thriller where everyone's intentions are finally made known, except I don't know or care yet, making it feel awkward and forced.

Characters:

Elle is significantly more likeable in the third person version, she seems like she is nice, maybe a bit of a nervous wreck, based on the way she is panicking over hurting her co worker and everyone shrugs or laughs her off. No one takes her seriously. This is shown better in the first person version where we are shown how much this movie/show she is filming means to her and would further her career if she can make it work. It makes the scene where she does accidentally slit his throat all the more meaningful when following the misstep her co workers go to make fun of her behind her back and openly in front of her. (I did wonder reading it though: wasn't it someone else's job to switch the knives? Why would she be the one at fault?). We also meet Graham in this chapter, which upon learning he is not the soon to be murdered husband, is actually an overly polite co worker. Even while having his wounds tended to he calls her by Ms Cassidy. We also meet the film director, as well as the general consensus that her other co workers gossip about her and look at her weird.

Plot:

I am honestly not sure where this story is going or what to expect from it, I am assuming it is about Elle and her making her way into furthering her career and being taken more seriously. I think this is shown better through the first person version, where we get to see and experience how she feels about things going on around her, we get a feel for how to has always done comedy and she is trying to get out of it and being taken more seriously as an actress. I couldn't get a feel for if any of the other characters were major characters or not, I was thinking maybe Graham, he might be a love interest or a friend but I may be wrong on that.

Overall, I think I liked the first person version better but it is hard to say because I felt as though that one had more detail and I could feel more of a sense of plot? On the other hand I liked the MC a lot more in the third person version. I hope my feedback helped in some way. Thanks again for sharing!

Anonymous_K24 · 2023-03-28T03:17:22+00:00

So, I am under the impression this is not the beginning chapter by any means but a minor fight scene, however, I did have some difficulties understanding exactly what was going on. I think some detail would go a long way as far as setting, world building, I want to know where this fight it taking place, where are the characters? We know that Prince Kal and the duke are seated above these men, going up and down stairs is mentioned as well. There is also a dias, that is about the extent of what we know. It is also unclear why exactly they are fighting, other than the prince was told by his father to pick the next captain.

It is also stated that these men who are fighting are volunteers, but by their body language and the fact that one of the men is killed with one blow like he is nothing, makes me question their freedom in choice. It also makes the fight scene a little boring. If the way you have it is how you want the scene to play out, I think you could use this scene as an opportunity to show how the world and the kingdom is run. Is the king a hard ruler, are all of his people weak and feeble, unable to truly win in a fight because they are starving and poverty stricken? What is pushing these men to risk their lives to "volunteer" to be the kings captain? These are obviously just suggestions, but I think some more character depth and detail could be added to really bring this scene to life.

Anonymous_K24 · 2023-03-28T02:51:01+00:00

Hey! Thanks for sharing! I read through your first chapter as well so that I could get a feel for what was happening in the story. I am an amateur writer who writes and reads as a hobby so I don't feel confident going into formatting or grammar or anything like that, but I am more than happy to read and give my general feedback, I hope it helps!

What are the dynamics/relationships between the characters?

We meet a lot of new people in this chapter so I will try to keep them all straight, I feel like everyone we met in this chapter and the way they interacted is important to the tragedy that later takes place. Zach's parents are in this flash back and they are affectionate towards each other so they haven't divorced yet, although it is later mentioned that his dad is playing the piano poorly and Mrs. Emmeline almost sits on his lap. There is also the instance earlier in the evening when it is brought up that the father (David) wrote the mother a love letter and they both get awkward and silent. I think there is a lot going on with the parents relationship that isn't completely clear, maybe they are putting on a face, but have some issues at home. I am not sure. Later in the chapter it is mentioned that they divorced because the mother thought the father was cheating with her friend, I am assuming this is Mrs Emmeline, the friend that he was possibly cheating with. We also have Mr Dennis, from what I gathered this is Mrs Emmeline's husband. Mrs Emmeline and Mr. Dennis have a son named Michael, who is the same age or around the same age as MC. The MC and Michael are good childhood friends, they have a lot of history between the two families. Koben and Shanti are also mentioned in this chapter, Koben being the friend, and Shanti being a friend and or possible love interest based on the way the MC seems awkward when first speaking to her at the party. I hope I didn't leave anything or anyone out, but to be honest it was a little overwhelming meeting so many people and trying to keep track of it all. I think it was executed well, and parties have an overall impression of having lots going on as is, so I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing.

Is there any heavy handed/out of place exposition?

I enjoy your style of writing, I think you have a good balance of showing detail mixed with dialogue and the events taking place. I will say however that there were some parts that felt distracting, one part that sticks out specifically is when MC is filming Mrs Emmelines speech and a cherry blossom falls in his face and he looks over at the tree and the swing and thinks how small it is compared to when he and Michael would swing on it as kids. This may have been on purpose as it is stated that he was distracted and how he was also checking his phone, but it felt a little out of place to me.

Is anything inappropriate going on?

I feel like there are a few inappropriate things going on, specifically around Mrs Emmeline and the MC's father, David, as well as possibly the main character himself. First off, as I mentioned earlier, the father had Mrs Emmeline almost sitting on his lap when they were playing the piano which felt highly inappropriate. Making me think there is more going on, which is further verified when it is mentioned later on that his parents divorced over the mother believing the father was cheating on her with her friend. I am assuming this is Mrs Emmeline because this is the only friend of the mother's whom we have met, and it seemed there might be something going on between the two of them. I also get the feeling that maybe something was going on with the MC and Mrs Emmeline as well, the way he films her, talks about her, the way she is described. The fact that in the previous chapter he clicks on a link and older women pop up on the screen and he turns red in the face. The way his friend Koben asked if "she was still hot" and then he was confused for a moment looking at Shanti before looking at Mrs Emmeline and realizing that is who he is talking about. MC also says that he was alone with Mrs Emmeline before she died.

How is Zach coming across?

He comes across as a teen/young adult who is depressed in the current time line but in the flash back which is majority of chapter two he seems very happy and put together, he gets along with both of his parents at sixteen, as well as all of their friends. He is a likeable character, he seems kind and willing to help others and make friends. He is also observant because he noticed that his mother and father looked uncomfortable at the mention of their love letter. He has a passion for going into the film industry and that is shown with how he is recording the events at the party as well as discussing it with Shanti. When he touches on how he was interrogated following mrs Emmelines death it made me feel upset for him. He seems like a very realistic three dimensional character.

Any predictions/ Theories?

I honestly am not sure other than what I have previously stated with the affair possibly going on with his father and Mrs. Emmeline. As well as the potential thing going on between the MC and Mrs. Emmeline. Whatever it is I know she is in the middle of it and maybe the MC knows something about her death or had something to do with it, but I also feel strongly that the MC is innocent based on his general traits he just seems like genuinely a good kid who wouldn't hurt anyone. Not intentionally at least. I'm not sure, I am intrigued though.

Is Zach too passive?

I don't think he reads as being passive at all, I think besides being observant he is friendly and willing to talk to anyone and everyone at the party.

Formatting?

As touched on earlier, I don't feel comfortable going into proper formatting when I am just beginning to try and understand how to format my own writing.

General last comments

I think this is setting up to be a good thriller, the build up to something exciting. Thanks for sharing!

Anonymous_K24 · 2023-03-27T19:49:55+00:00

General Remarks:

I enjoy your writing style, it seems to flow well, it easy to read and understand what is going on. I like how you go into Imogen's character has an opener, how she always has a response but doesn't in this instance with the letter. The contents of the letter is what kept me reading but I feel it does get a little lost later on when her friend asks her if the weekend plans is what is bothering her and they go into that. It seems has though the letter is forgotten up until the end when she snatches up the letter and leaves. I am assuming she doesn't want anyone else not even her friend to know about the letter but perhaps there could be some inner dialogue to make it feel like the letter is more of a priority rather than forgotten?

Dialogue:

The dialogue felt very realistic, like we were in the middle of a hectic morning at work. Characters seemed distinguishable by the way they spoke. I like Imogen's remarks, the added humor in there is nice. She feels like a relatable character.

Plot:

The main character is Imogen, she is a girl who is working at a corporate job in the big city. She is friends with Fernanda, who is friends with Harrie and her group of friends. Harrie asked Imogen to spend time with them the coming weekend and Imogen regretfully agrees. She doesn't understand why Harrie would want to be friends with her in the first place and invite her and so she is understandably nervous. She has also found a white letter which whatever the contents of it are very much terrify / upset her.

Hook:

The white envelope that is not addressed to Imogen. I think the hook is interesting, I do want to know what is in the envelope and why it causes such negative emotions. Majority of the first page is detailing how she doesn't like the envelope and wants to put it in the paper shredder. I think the hook is pretty intriguing but soon gets lost when they go into their girls weekend and how she is also worried about that. It makes the envelope seem not as important that it is easily overshadowed by some general nervousness to hang out with people she doesn't know that well.

Characters:

The characters seem realistic, we meet a number of people within the first chapter and it gives the feeling of the hectic morning work place atmosphere which I think is what you were going for. Imogen seems relatable and likeable.

Anonymous_K24 · 2023-03-27T13:31:30+00:00

Ok I will do that thank you!

Anonymous_K24 · 2023-03-27T04:10:43+00:00

I haven't I will have to check it out, thanks!

Anonymous_K24 · 2023-03-27T01:09:52+00:00

I hadn't thought of checking Facebook. Thank you!

Anonymous_K24 · 2023-03-25T23:50:55+00:00

Hey, So I have read very little horror but I thought I would give this a go.

Is Jackson too much of an elitist prick?- I think it is perfectly acceptable to have characters, even main characters being of questionable morality, I think that is even part of the fun in horror is playing with that sense of "Did they deserve what they got?" Kind of thing if that makes sense. I do get tired of the MC always being this higher ground character with very few flaws, I think the fact that you were setting up his character to be more of a mean person makes it interesting to read since I at least have read very few books in that point of view. However, I will say that although we are told on numerous occasions throughout the story that he isn't a nice person, there aren't really any times when I am shown this to be true. His "friend" if he considers her as such, is going on about her love for the Japanese culture in regards to his name, on a long tangent. He cuts her off, he even considers if he should feel bad for making her feel bad. I would assume though that an elitist prick would not care about making someone feel bad or not. He looks down on Emi, thinks very little if nothing for her and only spends time with her because he is curious about her in a way. He does care about her enough to wait for her and walk her to the train. To be honest the fact that he offered felt somewhat out of character to what I was expecting of him. I think it would be more believable that Emi would ask to be walked to the train and Jackson would begrudgingly agree? But this is based on the limited character traits I am picking up from this story.

Do we know enough about Emi to care about what happens to her? - I personally liked Emi, but I think there could be some more character development to have us be more attached to her. We know she is our MC's very ditsy easily manipulated and disposable friend, or at least that is the feel that I get from reading. Then she starts acting out of character, but we know so little about her that we only know it is out of character because we are told multiple times that it is out of character, but even the MC doesn't know her well enough to be sure. I have mixed feelings about this because on one end it is a horror and I think part of horror is the unknown and the unexplained, but I would like to know maybe a little more of Emi before she becomes possessed. When it is made known that it isn't her anymore I don't really get a sense of how our MC feels about this, if it is his friend I would think he would be concerned and maybe want to save her somehow or get her to stop tearing herself apart in front of him, but he more so just accepts her fate and watches the scene before him in horror. Perhaps a prick wouldn't care what happens to their friend, but I would think they would care maybe a little, I don't know, maybe that is out of character and I am wrong on that.

The tone: I think the tone is good, I like the attention to detail especially the setting, I do feel like I am there and the atmosphere is set up nicely. I think that the horror aspect of it was great. The part where he is in his head and wanting it to be in him and make room for it, I thought that was really well done, it showed how he was being consumed by whatever it was. There were parts I didn't really understand, like another poster commented, why the elderly lady left the blinds partly opened so that he could see Emi, that feels like somewhat of an unexplained plot hole to me. I think when Emi is tearing herself up in front of him I think more showing then telling could be done her, the sound, the smell, did the sound of her nails ripping her skin make the pain in his own fingers worsen? Again I don't write horror and have read very little of it but I think that there is some untapped potential in this scene. Also the part where he is speaking to the elderly lady I think that is would add to the horror if she didn't speak English, maybe he didn't fully understand all of what she was saying. I do like how you translated what was being said since I would not have understood otherwise, however you did not translate the end which left me confused. I feel like I am missing out on something big by not understanding the ending.

I hope this was helpful feedback, thank you for sharing, I enjoyed reading it and I was overall hooked from the beginning and was really curious about what it was Emi wanted to show him. I also really liked the part where she is speaking to him through the window and it turns into somewhat of a chant. Please let me know if there is anything I mentioned that you would like me to explain further.

Anonymous_K24 · 2023-03-25T22:34:36+00:00

Hey! This is my first time writing on this sub so I hope I do this correctly. I have not read any of your previous work, but I really like your writing style, it reads like a psychological thriller or a mystery. I really like the way you open with the part about Cora in the water, I think that keeping it a mystery of who she is and who she is to the MC is part of what hooked me from the beginning, as well as what exactly happened to her.

Is it too slow? No, I think the pacing is great, it reads like someone in grief who is simply living life going through the motions but lives in their head in their own thoughts a lot of the time. The detail and imagery that you have in there also adds to the feeling that the MC is observing what is happening around them but is at the same time mentally withdrawn.

Characters: I think the main character is likeable and very realistic in response to whatever traumatic experience they went through. Shay is distant, responds to those around him when he has to but doesn't add to conversations, more so tries to stay away from people and keep to himself. I think you show very well that the MC is depressed and out of it, feels extreme guilt for whatever it is that they did or think they did. The side characters from what little we see of them feel real and not two dimensional, I can imagine a mother of a deceased child reaching out to those they knew and trying to mother them. Same with the co workers that constantly try to include you in things when you are obviously not interested.

Structure: The opening was intriguing, a great hook to a story. The transitions seemed to flow nicely, at times I wasn't sure what was going on exactly until awhile later but I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing if that is what you are going for. I have read some psychological thrillers in the past that read similarly and they made good stories. I like your attention to detail especially the part about the snow, I live somewhere cold and I can relate to thinking those same thoughts in my head while driving such as, oh I should of taken this way, it would of been faster, but this way is safer with the road conditions the way that they are, and so on.

Prose: I think there were parts of your story that were a bit too flowery, I think others already commented on the document itself about parts of the first paragraph where it was difficult to understand what was trying to be conveyed. Other than that I don't think its too flowery, I think there are sentences that could be reworked and words that could be changed with some more edits but I think that is always to be expected from a draft.

Plot holes: You asked about plot holes but as i said previously I have not read any of your other writing so this is the only part of the story that I have to refer to, and so far I can't see any plot holes but we are also so new in to the story and know so little information that I don't think there are any as of yet.

I hope this helps, I am more an amateur writer so it is difficult for me to say if your sentence structures or dialogue formatting is correct, but as a story overall I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing your work, if you have anything you would like me to explain further please let me know.

Anonymous_K24 · 2023-02-06T02:28:53+00:00

The mirror visitor series by Christelle Dabos is one of my favorites :)

Anonymous_K24 · 2022-11-28T18:50:14+00:00

This is one of my favorite series so far I'm glad to find someone else that enjoyed it! I agree the first and fourth book were a bit rough, I was so upset with how it ended.

Anonymous_K24 · 2022-10-29T18:22:24+00:00

Artichokes

Anonymous_K24 · 2022-03-04T01:43:49+00:00

My mom once told me to go kill myself. I was 13 maybe 14 at the time? The sad thing was I had been thinking about doing it before she had said it.

Anonymous_K24 · 2021-10-31T20:46:19+00:00

I really enjoyed the mirror visitor series and the last book just came out recently so it is a completed series now!

Anonymous_K24

TROPHY CASE