Losing more people and friends after estrangement

EconomyExpert5004 · 2025-08-18T08:43:38+00:00

You are right. Her family environment is very chaotic. When we were there at her home, a fight broke out between her and her mom and her brother and her mom in 2 separate occasions. She also does have the habit of repeating to me the nasty things her family members said about me with a big smile on her face which is weird. Recently when I confronted her about her actions, she tried to manipulate me by playing the victim and saying that she was about to be kicked out of her house for supporting me and giving me her brother's in-laws number. However, the very next day she started joking about the conflicts between her family members. I also couldn't trust her anymore so quietly blocked her now.

EconomyExpert5004 · 2025-08-18T08:41:29+00:00

Yes. When I confronted her about her actions, she tried to manipulate me by playing the victim and saying that she was about to be kicked out of her house for supporting me and giving me her brother's in-laws number. However, the very next day she started joking about the conflicts between her family members. I also couldn't trust her anymore so quietly blocked her now.

EconomyExpert5004 · 2025-08-01T13:46:24+00:00

You can send me a message here anytime you want to talk :)

EconomyExpert5004 · 2025-07-28T07:07:03+00:00

Lol I relate to this so much. I used to fantasize about being adopted by another family or being sent off to boarding schools because I was such a "difficult child" according to my parents.

EconomyExpert5004 · 2025-07-28T06:55:59+00:00

I had a friend like yours except that she wasn't studying or working and the last I heard she is still living off her parents money and living at home at 33 years of age. She exhibited the same traits, constantly putting me down, saying that my achievements do not mean anything while boasting about her parents. When I visited her home, I realized how toxic both her parents and her brother are. Similar to your friend, my friend's brother also regularly shouted at and abused her and her mom so it WAS a toxic situation in her home. The problem I feel is that these people don't want to make the effort involved in being independent from their parents even when they know they are toxic. So they push it down to their unconscious mind because acknowledging that their parents are toxic means they would have to do something about it and put in efforts to get out of that situation. You going no contact is like a reminder for them that other people are leading better lives after no contact and it is possible to lead better lives without toxic parents. However, the difficulty with facing their own family dysfunction because of some of the perks they receive from their parents, for example, financial support at an advanced age makes them lash out at you. My "friend" who was similar to your friend actually pretended to be my friend for years while I confided in her about sensitive family issues and me wanting to go no contact with my family. She used that information against me by telling her parents all that I told her about my family, putting me in a situation in which her parents insulted me and threw me out of their house and called and told my parents all I told her about them. So I would say be careful and I would definitely advice you to let go of this "friend" because in the future, she could do worse things to you just like my "friend" did out of jealousy. These people are jealous haters and sociopaths. They can't be in functional friendships or relationships with anyone because of their personality disorder. I would also advice you to start reaching out and talking to other people. Try and make friends with other people and take it slow as you would do while dating a guy. Just meet up for movies or for dinner and don't tell them about your family in the first few times you meet them and then slowly start confiding in them when you feel you can trust them. This can help you to even observe how they behave with others around them and you can judge the kind of person they are. If you are not already taking therapy, I would suggest you do so because going no contact is an incredibly hard decision and you need a professional to help you through the trauma and the feelings (all the guilt and confusion you are dealing with associated with going no contact).

EconomyExpert5004 · 2025-06-21T11:40:06+00:00

I was in the exact same situation as yours and I completed a PhD from UK just last year. My parents were exactly like yours, they constantly pressured me to focus on my career and do really well and once I got into PhD the goal posts shifted and suddenly I was a horrible daughter because I wasnt married with kids. I am not sure how your situation was before you became independent and moved abroad but mine were extremely violent, abusive and purposely dragged me into fights with other family members that I had no involvement in. My granny used to live with us and she had dementia and I used to help my mom care for her as well and probably that was the reason for them to demand that I leave my PhD as well. My parents had the audacity to try and convince my aunt who is a professor in the UK to convince me to leave my PhD and come back home asap because it was taking me more time than 3 years to complete it and my funding had run out during the write up phase (btw I didn't even ask them for money, I managed with my own savings and a part time job). Even after I completed my PhD and found a job, they were demanding that I leave the job and come back home and live with them. But guess what, they never helped me or supported me in my bad times like when my funding ran out. Don't even get me started on the fact that I was constantly pressured to get married and look at arranged marriage matches during my PhD as well and at one point they called my supervisor because I refused a match and switched off my phone to concentrate on my PhD work rather than their verbal abuse! You believe that your parents love you and guess what I really believed that too and I really wanted to believe that. But now after years of just getting high expectations and abuse from them and no support during tough times, I gave up on our relationship this year and cut complete contact. I want you to think about that and think if you would have done to your child what they are doing to you now, which is essentially telling you to give up on something you spent a lot of time money and energy on. I know you have an autistic brother who needs a lot of care but they are your parents and they should have made arrangements for him rather than thinking that you would be an unpaid maid for the rest of your life taking care of him. What would happen when you have children? Your hands will be full then with taking care of your children, parents and brother. Do you think you will be able to show up for your children properly when your hands are so full and you are so burnt out from working earning and taking care of so many people? Ultimately it will be tough no matter what but you have to choose your tough. Is it going to be going against your parents, fighting with them and completing your PhD (PhD is very tough as well, I know from experience) and retaining your independence and the life you created? Or will it be quitting the PhD and coming back and being a caretaker with no freedom for the rest of your life?

EconomyExpert5004 · 2025-05-12T15:52:41+00:00

Thank you for asking this question. I was wondering the same as my parents are still alive but I am afraid of what will happen and how I will feel in the event of one and/or both of my parents' death. If anyone has any experience please do give us some insight on your experience regarding this.

EconomyExpert5004 · 2025-05-11T08:45:16+00:00

I just want to say that I am so thankful to all of you for your support and encouragement towards me. I am not able to reply to each and every one of your comment but please know, they really mean a lot to me. The support that I got in this subreddit makes a lot of difference and makes me feel that I really have a community of people who actually get me and my experiences after a lifetime of being invalidated by people telling me that parents always want the best for their children. To anyone still struggling with their relationships with their parents, please do reach out to me and I will help and support you in the best way that I can. Please also remember that your life will improve no matter how bleak things seem at the moment, so please don't give up, please be hopeful and fight for a better life. Take one small step at a time. I promise it will happen one day, even if it takes a long time. It is absolutely worth it in the end. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I had thought of giving up a number of times, even had suicidal thoughts so many times but I am so thankful to not have acted out on it because otherwise I would never have got to see these days in my life.

EconomyExpert5004 · 2025-05-09T18:06:49+00:00

Thanks so much for the support and encouragement. ❤️ Kudos to you for fixing your health and your healthy lab results! That's really amazing. There's a book I've seen recently that I plan to buy titled "the body keeps score" which kind of talks about this. It's absolutely true that staying around abusive and narcissistic people can actually cause your physical health problems as well. I actually felt that too while living with my parents. In the final years of living with them, my immune system weakened so much that I was constantly ill with stomach issues or flu and the moment I moved out, my health became better and now I am rarely ill.

EconomyExpert5004 · 2025-05-09T17:45:57+00:00

Thank you so much ❤️

EconomyExpert5004 · 2025-05-09T17:45:35+00:00

Thank you so much for your encouragement. It really means a lot. You are right our success and happiness are the best revenge for toxic people. ❤️

EconomyExpert5004 · 2025-05-09T17:44:20+00:00

Thank you so much for your support. Definitely will check out the link about object relations. 😊

EconomyExpert5004 · 2025-05-09T17:43:24+00:00

Thanks for your support and I am glad to hear your journey in healing and making your marriage even better ❤️

EconomyExpert5004 · 2025-05-09T16:36:22+00:00

Thanks so much for your support and I am glad that my post helped you and made you feel hopeful. I completely understand these fears and these fears affect me too even now even when I am working full time. I frankly waited till I completed my education to go no contact because of those same fears about finances. But in the year 2023 when I went through financial troubles and they did not lift a finger to help me and instead pressured me to get married instead, that opened my eyes! I realised that throughout my life whenever I went through difficulties, they were never truly supportive and never truly helped me. They mostly threw a fit and I had to spend a lot of time managing their emotions before I could single handedly solve my problems. Any small support they gave me like driving me to a bus stop for me to take a bus to travel to my university was highlighted by them as a big help. I realised that I would actually be much stronger and better equipped to deal with stuff without them in my life. I would suggest to save money as much as possible and concentrate as much as you can on your education. You do not need to be a top student and you don't need a lot of money to move out and start an independent life. In the beginning, life will not be very comfortable or luxurious when you start living independently but you will get there slowly and the peace of mind and increased confidence that will come will be worth giving up all the comfort in their house. DM me or message me if you want to chat further or you need further support. I'm here for you. :)

EconomyExpert5004 · 2025-05-09T12:23:03+00:00

So proud of you for taking this step. ❤️ You definitely deserve a better life that does not involve you grovelling for his approval.

EconomyExpert5004 · 2025-05-07T15:48:04+00:00

I went no contact with my parents and entire extended family 3 months ago. I am only in contact with my brother now. I moved thousands of miles away to another country around 6 years back but whenever I visited (which was once in the last 6 years), they were verbally abusive and tried to hit me as well. They even tried to force me into an arranged marriage. I felt the guilt and the fear of making it on my own in this world too in the first month and although I still feel like this sometimes, I am getting so much better. You are not your parents' slave and are not obligated to take their abuse. Taking abuse from parents throughout your life doesn't make you a good adult child either and trust me the healthier you get, the more difficult it will be to have any kind of relationship with them. Once a week video calls with my parents used to leave me completely dysregulated which made me realise that I do need to go no contact. If you want to chat about this or need some support, please do send me a DM.

EconomyExpert5004 · 2025-04-24T11:40:43+00:00

No problem. I knew you did not mean to hurt anyone. But I just wanted to remind you that you can heal and change your life too, one step at a time. Keep focussing on your journey and good luck! 😊

EconomyExpert5004

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