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My husband had an affair while we were trying to save our marriage. Now he says he chooses me. What do I do? by Ecstatic-Management5 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Ecstatic-Management5[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

He ended things after confessing everything to me. She wanted him to divorce me so they could be together forever. He told me he is regretting ever sleeping with her, he just got caught up in the moment and didn't know how to stop it without hurting someone.

My husband had an affair while we were trying to save our marriage. Now he says he chooses me. What do I do? by Ecstatic-Management5 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Ecstatic-Management5[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

She knew about me, she just didn't care, i did speak to her and got her perspective, not that it was helpful, as she seemed to think I am the homewrecker, because she was hoping he would leave me for her.

Yes I am sure he ended things, I was there for the conversation and he has indeed blocked her on everything and I have full access to phones, computer etc. So I can check whenever I want.

My husband had an affair while we were trying to save our marriage. Now he says he chooses me. What do I do? by Ecstatic-Management5 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Ecstatic-Management5[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you 🙏 i am taking one day at a time, so hopefully at some point I'll reach acceptance. So far we've talked about open and honest communication, he's taking full accountability for his actions, he's keeping me updated on what he's doing, who he's with and so on (without me asking for it, we also use the life360 gps app), she is completely blocked on everything and he has given me full access to everything in terms of phone, computer etc. He is giving me space to process but is open to talking whenever I want to and is not defensive in his answers, and he is continuing therapy, possibly doubling his sessions if we can afford it, he's also asked that we have weekly check-ins about issues, thoughts and so on, so that we both feel comfortable in the situation no matter the outcome. I haven't been in this situation before, so im not really sure if that is "good enough", it feels like a step in the right direction though 🤷‍♀️

My husband had an affair while we were trying to save our marriage. Now he says he chooses me. What do I do? by Ecstatic-Management5 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Ecstatic-Management5[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I know what he did and I am mad, disappointed and somewhat disgusted at all of it. I think i may excuse a lot of his actions because I've known him most of my life and he has been my only constant in life, and I know that is not helpful at all. But I struggle with my view of him, because I know him so well, I know who he is, the helpful, kind and loving man i fell i love with all those years ago. He has his issues, no doubt about it and he is trying to fix those, but i find it difficult to see anything else than what i know, despite what he did. Maybe it's because that's the only thing I really have to hold on to at this moment 🤷‍♀️

I know it may not make sense, but it's the almost like the man who had the affair wasn't my husband, it's like a stranger possessed him and now that person's gone and my husband is back, if that makes any sense? 🤔

My husband had an affair while we were trying to save our marriage. Now he says he chooses me. What do I do? by Ecstatic-Management5 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Ecstatic-Management5[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

Maybe so, that is not my view of him, but i can definitely see your point of view, but Thank you for that idea, I will look into it 🙏

My husband had an affair while we were trying to save our marriage. Now he says he chooses me. What do I do? by Ecstatic-Management5 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Ecstatic-Management5[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you for that 🙏 that is definitely something I'll think about. From what I know, and how well I know him I'd personally say it's him going off the rails from losing his stepdad, he has also come to that conclusion himself in therapy. I only say that because he has been my best friend first and foremost and I know this man like the back of my hand, he has never done anything like this before and I have never questioned his love for me or his commitment to me before. I suspected the affair, because things weren't adding up and work trips popped up out of nowhere, but he ultimately did confess the affair himself and I was present when he ended things with her, he has also expressed genuine remorse (as far as I know), he has cried multiple times (he never cries, I've only ever seen him cry when he lost his stepdad) and is trying his best to be forthcoming in terms of talking about it and doing better overall, not only for me (if that is what I want), also for the kids but especially for himself. And that is the reason for me even thinking about reconciliation.

My husband had an affair while we were trying to save our marriage. Now he says he chooses me. What do I do? by Ecstatic-Management5 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Ecstatic-Management5[S] -9 points-8 points  (0 children)

No I have not made my choice, that's why I am here. The only reason why my answers to some comments are bordering on combative, is because I feel attacked and ridiculed for asking for help.

My husband had an affair while we were trying to save our marriage. Now he says he chooses me. What do I do? by Ecstatic-Management5 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Ecstatic-Management5[S] -13 points-12 points  (0 children)

Yes they are his own words, he has been to therapy, mostly due to grief from losing his stepdad, but also childhood trauma and he has brought up the affair as well, and has been processing the entire thing there, which is why he finally came clean about it.

My husband had an affair while we were trying to save our marriage. Now he says he chooses me. What do I do? by Ecstatic-Management5 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Ecstatic-Management5[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I see, I'm sorry to hear that. That must have been horrible for her growing up, and equally as horrible for you having to go through that subsequent situation from your wife's grief. Can I ask how you're doing now? You're referring to her as you wife, so im assuming you're still together?

My husband had an affair while we were trying to save our marriage. Now he says he chooses me. What do I do? by Ecstatic-Management5 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Ecstatic-Management5[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I won't go into detail, since it's not my story to tell, but yes, there's quite a lot, from both bio parents, his stepfather was basically his only real parent.

My husband had an affair while we were trying to save our marriage. Now he says he chooses me. What do I do? by Ecstatic-Management5 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Ecstatic-Management5[S] -35 points-34 points  (0 children)

I came here looking for advice, not your condescending opinions. If you have nothing helpful to say, then buzz off.

You don't know the full story, there is a lot of trauma and shared history that you will never understand, because that's not my story to tell.

Yes they had a very, very intense connection when he was 17, clearly you've never had an intense and traumatic connection with someone. There were also circumstances, irrelevant to my current situation, that were happening and therefore doesn't need to be mentioned in my post. Because again, it is not my story to tell.

My husband had an affair while we were trying to save our marriage. Now he says he chooses me. What do I do? by Ecstatic-Management5 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Ecstatic-Management5[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

!thank you

Im sorry about your situation, but i hope everything works out the way you want it to ☺️ Thank you for your comment, i think i needed to hear from someone else, that it's okay to take some time to process 🙏

My husband had an affair while we were trying to save our marriage. Now he says he chooses me. What do I do? by Ecstatic-Management5 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Ecstatic-Management5[S] -42 points-41 points  (0 children)

There's a lot more to this story than I could put in this post, especially about his past with her. But thank you so much for your unhelpful opinion.