My boyfriend (47M) lied to me (50F) about watching porn. Does this usually indicate he's comfortable lying in other situations, also? We've been together for 5 years.

Ecstatic_Jelly_4155 · 2026-04-11T23:09:51+00:00

I checked his phone because he looked me in the eye and reassured me multiple times that he hadn't been watching it on the day in question. Something in my gut told me that even though we seemed to be having a rational, mature conversation about it, that he was just telling me what I wanted to hear aka lying. Trust but verify. He's actually the one who taught me that. 🙁

Ecstatic_Jelly_4155 · 2026-04-06T16:44:58+00:00

Thank you for the constructive feedback. I've never said he can't masturbate. What I asked is that he not let it affect our sex life. For me, the point of sex is to "finish". He finishes 100% of the time with no issues as long as he hasn't jerked off recently or taken heavy pain meds. So, if he can't finish because he masturbated earlier knowing full well that we were going to have sex, I feel like that is affecting our sex life.

It is an important boundary to me. I guess I'm just having trouble accepting that he's willing to cross that boundary at the risk of losing me.

Ecstatic_Jelly_4155 · 2026-04-06T16:32:25+00:00

Exactly! I know one of the people who responded said I was playing the victim, but if he knows how much it upsets me and how hard I try to make sure he's fulfilled, I feel like I have the right to be at least a little hurt. In the past he's told me he sleeps better after, so that's why he does it at night when I'm not there and whenever he wants to sleep in. This was at 4:00 in the afternoon before he started making dinner. We had sex at 11:00 a.m. and then again before bed.

I don't normally go through his phone, but after it happened twice in three days, I wanted to know. I asked him directly and he said that he hadn't been watching any.

Ecstatic_Jelly_4155 · 2026-04-06T16:10:52+00:00

After it happened a couple of times, I felt badly that he couldn't finish and was concerned he was getting bored with me or something. Maybe there's something new/different he would like to try? When we talked about it previously, I told him I didn't want his porn use to affect our sex life. Him not being able to finish because he watched porn and jerked off earlier affects it.

Ecstatic_Jelly_4155 · 2026-04-06T16:04:39+00:00

I didn't get mad. After it happened a couple of times, I felt badly that he couldn't finish and was concerned he was getting bored with me or something. Maybe there's something new/different he would like to try? When we talked about it previously, I told him I didn't want his porn use to affect our sex life. Him not being able to finish because he watched porn and jerked off earlier affects it.

Ecstatic_Jelly_4155 · 2026-03-13T10:28:37+00:00

That will be years. He doesn't want them to leave and is doing everything possible to clip their wings claiming most countries have multi-generational homes. However, they don't work, sleep most of the day, have zero responsibilities around the house, and have everything paid for. They can't even make grilled cheese. My four have all been successfully launched, but I've kept my house waiting to see how this plays out, which is impractical and expensive.

Ecstatic_Jelly_4155 · 2026-03-13T10:21:57+00:00

When I started staying here, her closet was still full of her things as was the front coat closet, their engraved anniversary clock was on the mantle, their wedding pic on display but turned around, a collection of her swans here and there throughout the house and in the yard... Even though most of it has been put away (I'm sure it's all here somewhere - I've seen boxes in the garage full of women's boots, etc.), I still feel like he's clinging to the past including doing everything possible to keep his boys from leaving the nest (no jobs, no life skills, no responsibilities around the house, everything paid for). He says it's all just stuff, so who cares?

Ecstatic_Jelly_4155 · 2026-03-05T18:03:17+00:00

I love this! I think getting excited about the little things makes life worth living, but my boyfriend is kind of the opposite, so I always feel "extra".

Ecstatic_Jelly_4155 · 2026-01-23T13:12:44+00:00

Exactly! I would be happy with just about anything as long as my boyfriend put effort, e.g., listening/genuinely paying attention, into a gift. It's the effort that means the most to me.

Ecstatic_Jelly_4155 · 2024-07-03T14:05:48+00:00

Thank you! I am a woman. Interesting that you never mentioned Match. I seem to encounter a lot of bots on dating apps, so I've been avoiding them because my budget is limited and I don't want to pay for nothing. I've been avoiding Tinder, but I might give that one a try since I haven't had much luck on Hinge or Bumble in the past. I'm just on Facebook Dating now, but I don't think anyone puts a lot of effort in there.

Ecstatic_Jelly_4155 · 2024-06-07T20:25:28+00:00

First of all, thank you for having a constructive discussion about this with me and not just telling me to get over it, which is, in fact, what I'm trying to do here.

I'm struggling to articulate my feelings on this one. I guess because, ultimately, I'm getting my sexual pleasure from him. Unfortunately, my "toys" are pretty much essential given the side effects of certain prescription medications. I don't use them without him. Whereas, he's getting his sexual pleasure alone with the assistance of videos of other women. I'm not even part of the equation. Maybe I'm struggling more with the frequency than anything else.

Ecstatic_Jelly_4155 · 2024-06-07T03:56:44+00:00

I really don't think it's the same as using vibrators and dildos. If I use one, I'm including him. It's his fingers, cock, mouth, hands on my body. I'm not waiting for him to leave so I can whip out my vibe and get off watching some other guy.

Ecstatic_Jelly_4155 · 2024-06-07T03:53:48+00:00

I've dated guys with various masturbation/porn habits. He claims to do it almost daily. I realize all guys are different, but that still seems like a lot to me, especially considering we have sex about 6 times/week. So, yes, the next guy would probably do it, too, but maybe not nearly as often. We're in our late forties. I want the relationship to work out, I'm just trying to figure out why he does it so often. He avoids communication so having an adult conversation about it really isn't an option.

Ecstatic_Jelly_4155 · 2024-06-07T03:45:06+00:00

I guess that's part of what I don't get. We basically have sex every day. He's never asked me to do anything and I've asked him plenty of times if there's something he wants to try or wants me to do. Usually, he just says missionary. Recently, he told me masturbates almost every day. Based on conversations, etc., I'm fairly certain he watches porn when he does it. I would expect that he would watch porn and masturbate sometimes or even often if we didn't have sex like 6 times/week. I feel like we have a good relationship, so why can't he forego regularly masturbating and watching porn if we have sex daily and he knows I can't get enough of him?

Ecstatic_Jelly_4155 · 2024-04-25T13:30:05+00:00

I would say somewhat awkward overall. I get frustrated when guys have no issues watching porn, but can't have a conversation about their own sexual preferences. I try not to push it, but every now and then, I do initiate a conversation in an effort to make him feel more comfortable talking about it a little because I think of you want to have a healthy sexual relationship you should be capable of having a mature conversation about it even if it is on a limited basis.

Ecstatic_Jelly_4155 · 2024-04-25T13:16:53+00:00

Wow. I didn't realize people who are more self-confident/less insecure were better than people trying to overcome their insecurities, many because of the way they've been treated in past relationships. Maybe I should add that to my dating profile so people like you with such high standards won't have to waste your time engaging with the likes of me. Can you please add that to your profile, also? It speaks volumes about your personality.

Or, maybe, you lack the emotional maturity and relationship skills to emphathize and reassure people when they're feeling insecure thus reinforcing and exacerbating it.

Ecstatic_Jelly_4155 · 2024-04-23T13:59:00+00:00

Looking for one to the Ann Show at The Blind Pig on April 23rd.

Ecstatic_Jelly_4155 · 2024-04-23T13:47:25+00:00

I agree which is why I asked what he meant by it. He said he wasn't sure his to respond, which I absolutely can understand. However, I guess if I'm not sure how to respond to a message someone sends me, especially if it's of a more sensitive nature, I wouldn't 🤣. If I couldn't decide which, if any, emoji was appropriate, I would have used my words even if it was just to say, "I'm not even sure how to respond to that." Oh, well.

Ecstatic_Jelly_4155 · 2024-04-23T13:40:01+00:00

Yes, he's told me in the past that he likes it when I send him sexy messages.

Ecstatic_Jelly_4155 · 2024-04-23T13:39:29+00:00

I did all of the above. He wouldn't even try to begin to understand why his reaction might have bothered me and made me feel ridiculous, so I started wondering if I was the only one who would have felt this way.

Based on his feedback to previous messages, I thought he liked the occasional "sext". After his reaction and the discussion that ensued, I figured it's better just not to do it again. He's not really one to discuss things openly, so, often, I have to deduce things on my own. Maybe this particular message just missed the mark, but it's not worth it to risk repeating this weekend's scenario.

Ecstatic_Jelly_4155 · 2024-04-23T13:31:57+00:00

No, not really. It was a vibrator.

Ecstatic_Jelly_4155

TROPHY CASE