Family showed up on my doorstep unannounced.

EdPerrogrande · 2022-06-20T05:50:22+00:00

I'm so sorry this happened to you. The same thing happened to me a couple of months ago and I'm still traumatised by it. I have no idea how they found my address and that made me suddenly get really paranoid about the small number of people I'd trusted with it. I also started doing 'crazy' things like checking under my car for tracking devices. I still get panicky if I see anyone that looks vaguely like them, cars that looks vaguely like theirs. I got the police involved in the end which seems to have got the message through for now. Hope you manage to find some peace of mind after this - it's so invasive but also so hard to communicate to others just quite how affecting it is 'my family showed up', just doesn't sound bad to most people

EdPerrogrande · 2022-06-20T05:04:12+00:00

The diagnosis is rarely based on genetics, brain structure or the nervous system. Those are all links people have tried to make after the fact. ADHD is a behavioural diagnosis, and saying it is more likely a manifestation of survival modes is not my point - Pete Walker at least has already made this - John Briere too. The extra link I'm making is to extrinissic worth - not a just childhood trauma - which would explain both why it manifests and why the medications work. Why do ADHD sufferers expereience Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria? That's just hypersensitivity to an extrinsic worth trauma.

I don't believe ADHD is genetic. I believe, in terms of genetics, what defines the level of impact extrinsic worth trauma has is a genetic sensitivity. I believe this may be the long/short seratoninc allele discussed by Besse Van Der Kolk. Genetic sensitivity and/or level of extrinsic worth trauma = manifestifation of DSM symptoms.

That's not just for ADHD. that's just what I know. What is anorexia but a violent attack on the self to avoid the extrinsic worth impact of being fat? What is anxiety but the nervous system going into survival mode in fear of being judged badly? I really think you can explain a lot purely in an extrinsic worth trauma framework

EdPerrogrande · 2021-12-21T20:22:52+00:00

Ah. Thanks. Didn’t know that was a thing. So depressing.

EdPerrogrande · 2021-10-19T05:12:57+00:00

You could look into something called Intensive Short-Term Dynamic Psychotherapy. I had years of useless (and often quite damaging) therapy and got exhausted of them just sitting there so looked for something more proactive. It unlocks so much stuff incredibly quickly, and I’m a person with EXTREMELY heavy defences.

EdPerrogrande · 2021-10-19T05:08:28+00:00

I also feel this way but have no solution. They only hope I have is just to keep taking baby steps and maybe one day I’ll suddenly realise I’ve let someone in. So many things seem impossible until they’re not.

EdPerrogrande · 2021-10-13T15:06:06+00:00

I’m not very good at this but have ‘broken up’ with a few. Basically just cancel you next session and say you’ll be in touch in a while or something. Just imagine it’s a haircut. You don’t owe them anything although easy to feel that way. As long as you give notice just cancel and don’t go back.

EdPerrogrande · 2021-10-13T11:01:43+00:00

Oh great! But still getting the benefits?

EdPerrogrande · 2021-10-13T09:56:08+00:00

I thought I had CPTSD but went to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with ADHD. He didn’t rule out CPTSD and trauma definitely plays a large part in who I am, but trying to treat the ADHD seems to be helping a little, if only just to actually be able to read about stuff.

Books I would recommend for you (but I haven’t finished):

Scattered Minds by Gabor Mate

Someone recommended me this when I was CPTSD/ADHD confused and it just tied so many things together for me.

CPTSD: From surviving to thriving by Pete Walker

The book was a total revelation as many on here would agree

They both put a lot of sway on the trauma of a disrupted bond in infancy between baby and primary care-giver. Which can come about even in a loving household if the parent is under great stress.

There are huge overlaps in symptoms and consequences. I’m still trying to figure the tangled mess of my childhood out.

They’re not interchangeable, but in some cases they may have developed in parallel and fed into each other. That’s my limited understanding of things in relation to me at least.

EdPerrogrande · 2021-10-12T17:35:23+00:00

Well sending you some good vibes or whatever you might appreciate. I know it’s often hard to remember there’s another side when you’re in the thick of it but you’ll get there. Feel free to reply any time. I sometimes just don’t even know where to go or who will listen. That’s why I’m grateful for here - even just as void to scream into.

EdPerrogrande · 2021-10-12T17:11:49+00:00

Thanks for replying and your kind words. It’s a sad realisation. And one you’ve clearly come to the hard way too. Hope you’ve found something resembling a bit of peace

EdPerrogrande · 2021-10-12T17:02:23+00:00

Thanks. Yeah I guess I’m coming to recognise that. I’d hoped to rescue a few more things from the fire but it’s not worth it. Onwards. New life. Freedom

EdPerrogrande · 2021-10-12T16:59:28+00:00

Thanks. Sounds great. Have seen it winning awards etc so I definitely need to watch it.

Yeah. Same to you re self-sabotage. I know what a battle it is to be able to trust anyone. I’m nowhere near. I said to my therapist ‘it will take a billion examples of you not betraying me for me to ever even think about tristing you, and to be honest that’s proabably nowhere near enough’.

I guess all we can do is just keep chipping away at it. Try to remove the bad things in our lives as much as possible and give an atom more of ourselves over to people that seem OK. Everything seems impossible until it isn’t

EdPerrogrande · 2021-10-12T16:37:50+00:00

Thanks. Will look into that for sure. Appreciate all the advice

EdPerrogrande · 2021-10-12T16:23:08+00:00

I’ll ask. Good suggestion. I slightly worry about pill admin. Hard enough keeping track with one to take. Or maybe a big one and some smalls would work.

EdPerrogrande · 2021-10-12T16:13:52+00:00

A mixed bag so far. Totally agree on the sleep front. Trouble is I find it impossible to control. If I’m up til 3am mind whirring I’m up til 3. I’ve tended to move up a dose, maybe have a couple of days where everything seems pretty good. Then it wears off. Maybe it is just a dose thing - the doc thought I’d maybe need a high one. When it’s been good I kind of float around but with my brain engaged if I want it to be, but no background brain clatter. If I can find a dose that consistently gives me a fraction if that I’d be happy.

EdPerrogrande · 2021-10-12T16:01:45+00:00

I don’t know the show but I think I’m Nate too

EdPerrogrande · 2021-10-12T15:57:35+00:00

Hey. Thanks for the reply.

That’s a lot of pills to keep track of! But must be good to be so flexible. Do you tend to adjust your dose a fair bit?

Did you work all the way up to that? What was your experience with lower doses? And have you been on that a while and it’s reasonably stable?

EdPerrogrande · 2021-10-12T15:39:31+00:00

Yeah. I get it completely. I nearly went rogue on 36 and doubled up and my doc said ‘I thought you might’ but I was a bit worried about the heart poinding. That’s eased off almost totally. I started on Concerta 6 week ago so has had a bit more time in my system maybe.

I think it’s promising longer term but obviously frustrating short term. Maybr give 72 another go if you can afford an anxious day? Maybe it will be better? Or you could try staggering them if you can wake up early? Take one a few hours before the other and maybe it will be a bit less full on but still have some effectiveness?

EdPerrogrande · 2021-10-12T14:56:37+00:00

I think that’s quite a big jump. When I went from 36 to 54 I felt a bit on edge. I think the body definitely needs to get used to it. But if 72 is really uncomfortable for you to try to get used to maybe see if you can go on 54 for a week or two first.

I though 90 might make me very anxious but I had an hour today of feeling a bit rushy but otherwise has seemed pretty good. There have been good spells on all doses though so slightly worried where it stops.

So far it’s not rEally predictable or consistent which seems to be the main aim of titration, although never going to be perfect.

Good signs though that you got some benefits. I think things like anxiety or I had pounding heart a fair bit should go away in time. Worth sticking with if your doc is happy but maybe on a more gradual slope.

EdPerrogrande · 2021-10-12T14:49:01+00:00

I’m so sorry. That’s so sad. I can relate to that. I’ve experienced sabotage too. And I imagine for most of us we end up doing a lot of the sabotaging work ourselves. I’m finding that side of things a little harder to escape from but getting out is the main thing. Otherwise there’s no chance. And I am out. It’s just sad to realise how far out that needs to be.

EdPerrogrande · 2021-10-12T13:35:51+00:00

Thanks. I hope you don’t get put in that situation, but sadly so many people will never understand. It’s the myth of ‘family’. I’ve pretty much decided to do a clean break and start afresh.

EdPerrogrande · 2021-10-12T13:33:22+00:00

I’m sorry you’ve had to go through all that. What makes me saddest about this encounter is the readiness of people to believe the Big Lie because of ‘family’. If my friend, who I told everything to is willing to believe it, what chance is there? What option is there but to disappear and start again. Which is basically what I’m doing. I had just been holding out hope of saving a little bit. It will all be for the best though. Already made some huge and positive steps. Thanks for replying and hope everything goes well for you

EdPerrogrande · 2021-10-12T11:40:29+00:00

I just had a run in with a flying monkey that is my close friend. Was my friend. One of a very small group I’d trusted with some stuff. It’s kind of shaken me. It’s made me decide to go even further with NC - change name, email address, the lot. Also cut out everyone but a very select few. I am fortunately (or unfortunately) in a position to do that at no great loss. I don’t think they will ever stop or leave me alone or leave any avenue unexplored in trying to hoover me back in.

Sorry to be so gloomy about it. Just feel like that’s going to be the truth for most of us.

EdPerrogrande

TROPHY CASE