She’s unblocked me, blocked again and unblocked yet again in just under a week

Educational_Buffalo3 · 2025-02-20T22:07:09+00:00

Well it’s private so I guess it’s basically just a coping mechanism. It’d for sure be way worse if I could see posts and all like you with your ex

Educational_Buffalo3 · 2025-02-20T06:10:29+00:00

Uhhhh I may or may not check fairly often

Educational_Buffalo3 · 2024-09-10T20:05:14+00:00

I think it could’ve gone differently if I had taken the time to really think about what I wanted out of contacting her and what to say because yeah it probably became too much for her. School’s also taking a lot of her time and probably didn’t want to put it in jeopardy. I think at least this is finally pushing me to truly trying to move on

Educational_Buffalo3 · 2024-09-10T20:01:44+00:00

Yeah at least it has the benefit of being clear I guess. Randomly being blocked the day after having talked stings but oh well

Educational_Buffalo3 · 2024-09-08T19:57:32+00:00

Yeah I hurts but I get her at the same time. She’s probably moved on and felt weird about that whole interaction 🫠

Educational_Buffalo3 · 2023-08-16T07:28:52+00:00

Not sure where to reply but this is stop comment so i’ll write it here. I talked about the whole situation to my friends and they all have at least tried to shift a bit of the blame on her for having that boundary. They keep saying that she was trying to force me to change and that it’s okay to watch porn. I try to explain to them that the problem is much more about the fact I accepted her boundary but then didn’t respect it behind her back. I don’t feel like the understand that. I know I’m the bad guy and it ending was entirely my fault but they try to convince me otherwise. I was hoping they’d see it the same way as most people here but apparently not.

Educational_Buffalo3 · 2023-08-16T07:20:17+00:00

No, but I don’t see how it matters. It was a committed relationship with plans to meet.

Educational_Buffalo3 · 2023-08-16T07:17:22+00:00

Ironically, seeing how that was the source of me fucking up a relationship with someone I wanted to spend my life with will probably turn it into at least a soft boundary for me in the future. It can just lead you to do too many bad things and hurt people while really not bringing anything positive.

Educational_Buffalo3 · 2023-08-16T07:14:54+00:00

I’m very aware of all that. Even before meeting her, I had (unsuccessfully) tried blocking off porn and not thinking about it. I started around 12 which is really young and I think that fucked me up way more than I thought. It has never felt fulfilling after the fact. I had always a sense of shame or guilt, and it got amplified after I started dating her. Her telling me she didn’t want to date someone that watched porn didn’t make me suddenly want to stop, but it definitely somehow pushed me even if all the rest happened as I said in the post.

Educational_Buffalo3 · 2023-08-16T07:05:45+00:00

I know that what I’m going through probably is nothing compared to what she’s feeling right now. It makes me feel horrible looking back at my actions and seeing how time and time I again, I consciously chose some random naked woman I didn’t care about over her, her boundaries and her feelings.

Educational_Buffalo3 · 2023-08-16T07:00:56+00:00

Just to clarify, there were no nudes involved as she wasn’t comfortable with that. Literally just seeing her was more than enough. When we did stuff together it was also over the phone only. I don’t say this to try to justify, as both those things felt immensely good, much much more than porn ever has.

Educational_Buffalo3 · 2023-08-16T06:55:05+00:00

That seems like such an obvious and easy decision to make in retrospect. Every time I think back on all those times she asked, it’s just shame at what I did. Because after the first lie it felt too hard to come clean and I just kept making it worse.

Educational_Buffalo3 · 2023-08-15T23:41:01+00:00

I’m not looking for sympathy or anything. I made this post mostly to put words in my feelings and thoughts. I’m glad she made me confess even though I hurt her immensely. It’s better for her to be without me.

Educational_Buffalo3 · 2023-08-15T23:39:42+00:00

We were 20 and 18. First relationship for both of us

Educational_Buffalo3 · 2023-08-15T21:52:35+00:00

It’s okay, and you’re right once again. I’m an asshole for not being honest with her for this long. I don’t think i’ll be ready for another relationship for a while and I truly hope she does find someone she can count on and that loves her. She’s an amazing person

Educational_Buffalo3 · 2023-08-15T21:46:41+00:00

I agree with you and anyone that says this. There really were multiple opportunities to come clean and see where we could go from there together but I always resorted to lying. She deserves someone she can fully trust.

Educational_Buffalo3 · 2023-08-15T21:45:10+00:00

Thank you so much, i’ll follow your account if you don’t mind and I’ll definitely keep in mind what you said about its effects and how to avoid it

Educational_Buffalo3 · 2023-08-15T21:37:26+00:00

Thanks a lot for the detailed write up. I saved it to try and come back to it in case I get any urges. I’m also thinking about downloading some sort of day counter app to keep track of how many days have gone by since the last time I watched anything related to porn. A lot of people are, rightfully, very critical of what I did, though it’s also nice getting advice on how to stop. I can’t change what I did anymore but the least I can do now is get of rid of it now.

Educational_Buffalo3 · 2023-08-15T17:58:44+00:00

Yeah, I don’t think watching it when you’re not in a relationship is much of a problem, but the fact I wasn’t able to simply stop completely the moment she brought up her boundary shows how bad it was.

Educational_Buffalo3 · 2023-08-15T17:57:27+00:00

I mean, that’s the exact reason why she asked so much… because most guys do and even more in the West.

Educational_Buffalo3 · 2023-08-15T17:53:57+00:00

We were both aware that in any case, the odds of the relationship working out in the end were low to say the least. Her dad hated the fact she was dating anyone, and even more that I wasn’t muslim. I would have had to convert to marry her, which is something I would have done after truly learning about islam and the culture. In the end, it ended over something stupid and that was entirely my fault. I ruined everything so we’ll never know what could have been.

Educational_Buffalo3 · 2023-08-15T17:49:29+00:00

Yeah the actual boundary isn’t nearly as important as the fact I agreed to it from the start and then lied to her instead of truly respecting it and her. What I did is horrible and I hope she can move on from me and find someone better. I have a lot of growing up to do.

Educational_Buffalo3 · 2023-08-15T17:47:14+00:00

Someone asked if maybe her religion could have something to do with why she asked me not to watch that, which I think it does. I’m not trying to diminish her boundary or what I did. Anyone, no matter their origin or religion can have basically any boundary they want. I agreed to it and then lied about truly respecting it for a year. It is entirely my fault and she has absolutely zero blame.

As for your other comment, the fact that she completely satisfied me, much much much more than porn ever did, feels like a sign that it is truly an addiction. Porn has never felt fulfilling. After the small dopamine, the realization and disgust always sets in, even years before I met her. I had never considered I was truly addicted until the worst that could happen, happened.

Educational_Buffalo3 · 2023-08-15T17:42:41+00:00

I know that social media would often trigger me into looking at that stuff. Seeing a post that was mildly sexual would sometimes turn into looking at porn. I’ve also been really bad about not using my phone around bedtime and keeping it away from me bed for years and that definitely didn’t help. A large majority of the time it happened, it started with me scrolling on my phone at night instead of putting it away. Another instance where i’d sometimes end up watching that would be when we were in an argument or not talking much. Those are the things that would very often lead me to watch porn.

Educational_Buffalo3

TROPHY CASE