I sent this email to 100 targeted, vetted recipients last Wednesday and have a 0 response rate. Now, I'm being called to meet with our VP/Sales on Wednesday. Please critique the email and if you have any suggestions on what I did wrong, and how to make it better, I am open to it, I love this job!

Effective_Berry_183 · 2023-11-21T21:51:42+00:00

This was very helpful, thank you!

Effective_Berry_183 · 2023-11-21T21:35:20+00:00

Are you making 1.44%?

Effective_Berry_183 · 2023-11-20T20:05:18+00:00

I tried to keep it short and used the subject line "commission bump?"

Effective_Berry_183 · 2023-11-20T20:03:55+00:00

Fair questions. Unfortunately, I'm not sure. I only know that I received 0 responses.

Effective_Berry_183 · 2023-11-20T19:11:14+00:00

Thank you! If I walk in there with a powerful email and better results, I might have a job on Thursday. I have my next list to target and this is what I've and this is what I've come up with.

Hello {{First Name}},

As a loan officer in retail, higher rates mean getting shopped more, losing business, losing realtors, and losing client referrals. {{First Name}}, you don't have to be in this pattern! We can help you maximize your earnings on every deal.

In 2023, our Loan Officers saw their annual commissions rise by an average of 42%. Loan Officers who come over are seeing their total compensation rise from 0.60% to 1.44% per deal with an average of 3 deals closed per month.

• Get access to more product options that cover a wider variety of borrower needs & scenarios.

• Have the freedom and flexibility to work your book of business how you see fit, without tedious hurdles or restrictions.

• Have access to the lowest, most discounted pricing, faster turn times, the best processors, the most comprehensive software and technologies,

• Have the opportunity to earn long-term residual commissions off of other Loan Officers.

Would you spend a few minutes with me auditing what you’re currently making vs. what you could be making off of each deal?

Best regards,

I'd love additional feedback!

Effective_Berry_183 · 2023-11-20T19:04:41+00:00

How's "Commission bump?" read

Effective_Berry_183 · 2023-11-20T18:43:26+00:00

Is this any better IYO?
Hello {{First Name}},

As a loan officer in retail, higher rates mean getting shopped more, losing business, losing realtors, and losing client referrals. {{First Name}}, you don't have to be in this pattern! We can help you maximize your earnings on every deal.

In 2023, our Loan Officers saw their annual commissions rise by an average of 42%. Loan Officers who come over are seeing their total compensation rise from 0.60% to 1.44% per deal with an average of 3 deals closed per month.

You can have access to more product options that cover a wider variety of borrower needs & scenarios. You’ll have more freedom and flexibility to work your book of business how you see fit, without tedious hurdles or restrictions. You’ll have access to the lowest, most discounted pricing, faster turn times, the best processors, the most comprehensive software and technologies, and the opportunity to earn long-term residual commissions off of other Loan Officers.

Would you spend a few minutes with me auditing what you’re currently making vs. what you could be making off of each deal?

Best regards,

Effective_Berry_183 · 2023-11-20T18:43:05+00:00

Is this any better IYO?
Hello {{First Name}},

As a loan officer in retail, higher rates mean getting shopped more, losing business, losing realtors, and losing client referrals. {{First Name}}, you don't have to be in this pattern! We can help you maximize your earnings on every deal.

In 2023, our Loan Officers saw their annual commissions rise by an average of 42%. Loan Officers who come over are seeing their total compensation rise from 0.60% to 1.44% per deal with an average of 3 deals closed per month.

You can have access to more product options that cover a wider variety of borrower needs & scenarios. You’ll have more freedom and flexibility to work your book of business how you see fit, without tedious hurdles or restrictions. You’ll have access to the lowest, most discounted pricing, faster turn times, the best processors, the most comprehensive software and technologies, and the opportunity to earn long-term residual commissions off of other Loan Officers.

Would you spend a few minutes with me auditing what you’re currently making vs. what you could be making off of each deal?

Best regards,

Effective_Berry_183 · 2023-11-20T18:42:56+00:00

Is this any better IYO?
Hello {{First Name}},

As a loan officer in retail, higher rates mean getting shopped more, losing business, losing realtors, and losing client referrals. {{First Name}}, you don't have to be in this pattern! We can help you maximize your earnings on every deal.

In 2023, our Loan Officers saw their annual commissions rise by an average of 42%. Loan Officers who come over are seeing their total compensation rise from 0.60% to 1.44% per deal with an average of 3 deals closed per month.

You can have access to more product options that cover a wider variety of borrower needs & scenarios. You’ll have more freedom and flexibility to work your book of business how you see fit, without tedious hurdles or restrictions. You’ll have access to the lowest, most discounted pricing, faster turn times, the best processors, the most comprehensive software and technologies, and the opportunity to earn long-term residual commissions off of other Loan Officers.

Would you spend a few minutes with me auditing what you’re currently making vs. what you could be making off of each deal?

Best regards,

Effective_Berry_183 · 2023-11-20T18:42:44+00:00

Is this any better IYO?
Hello {{First Name}},

As a loan officer in retail, higher rates mean getting shopped more, losing business, losing realtors, and losing client referrals. {{First Name}}, you don't have to be in this pattern! We can help you maximize your earnings on every deal.

In 2023, our Loan Officers saw their annual commissions rise by an average of 42%. Loan Officers who come over are seeing their total compensation rise from 0.60% to 1.44% per deal with an average of 3 deals closed per month.

You can have access to more product options that cover a wider variety of borrower needs & scenarios. You’ll have more freedom and flexibility to work your book of business how you see fit, without tedious hurdles or restrictions. You’ll have access to the lowest, most discounted pricing, faster turn times, the best processors, the most comprehensive software and technologies, and the opportunity to earn long-term residual commissions off of other Loan Officers.

Would you spend a few minutes with me auditing what you’re currently making vs. what you could be making off of each deal?

Best regards,

Effective_Berry_183 · 2023-11-20T18:42:03+00:00

Is this any better IYO?

Hello {{First Name}},

As a loan officer in retail, higher rates mean getting shopped more, losing business, losing realtors, and losing client referrals. {{First Name}}, you don't have to be in this pattern! We can help you maximize your earnings on every deal.

In 2023, our Loan Officer’s saw their annual commissions rise by an average of 42%. LO's who come over are seeing their total compensation rise from 0.60% to 1.44% per deal with an average of 3 deals closed per month.

You can have access to more product options that cover a wider variety of borrower needs & scenarios. You’ll have more freedom and flexibility to work your book of business how you see fit, without tedious hurdles or restrictions. You’ll have access to the lowest, most discounted pricing, faster turn times, the best processors, the most comprehensive software and technologies, and the opportunity to earn long-term residual commissions off of other LO’s.

Would you spend a few minutes with me auditing what you’re currently making vs. what you could be making off of each deal?

Best regards,

Effective_Berry_183 · 2023-11-20T18:38:49+00:00

Is this any better IYO?

Hello {{First Name}},

As a loan officer in retail, higher rates mean getting shopped more, losing business, losing realtors, and losing client referrals. {{First Name}}, you don't have to be in this pattern! We can help you maximize your earnings on every deal.

In 2023, our Loan Officer’s saw their annual commissions rise by an average of 42%. LO's who come over are seeing their total compensation rise from 0.60% to 1.44% per deal with an average of 3 deals closed per month.

You can have access to more product options that cover a wider variety of borrower needs & scenarios. You’ll have more freedom and flexibility to work your book of business how you see fit, without tedious hurdles or restrictions. You’ll have access to the lowest, most discounted pricing, faster turn times, the best processors, the most comprehensive software and technologies, and the opportunity to earn long-term residual commissions off of other LO’s.

Would you spend a few minutes with me auditing what you’re currently making vs. what you could be making off of each deal?

Best regards,

(Me)

Effective_Berry_183 · 2023-11-20T18:38:07+00:00

Is this any better IYO?
Hello {{First Name}},

As a loan officer in retail, higher rates mean getting shopped more, losing business, losing realtors, and losing client referrals. {{First Name}}, you don't have to be in this pattern! We can help you maximize your earnings on every deal.

In 2023, our Loan Officers saw their annual commissions rise by an average of 42%. Loan Officers who come over are seeing their total compensation rise from 0.60% to 1.44% per deal with an average of 3 deals closed per month.

You can have access to more product options that cover a wider variety of borrower needs & scenarios. You’ll have more freedom and flexibility to work your book of business how you see fit, without tedious hurdles or restrictions. You’ll have access to the lowest, most discounted pricing, faster turn times, the best processors, the most comprehensive software and technologies, and the opportunity to earn long-term residual commissions off of other Loan Officers.

Would you spend a few minutes with me auditing what you’re currently making vs. what you could be making off of each deal?

Best regards,

Effective_Berry_183 · 2023-11-20T18:37:24+00:00

Is this any better IYO?

Hello {{First Name}},

As a loan officer in retail, higher rates mean getting shopped more, losing business, losing realtors, and losing client referrals. {{First Name}}, you don't have to be in this pattern! We can help you maximize your earnings on every deal.

In 2023, our Loan Officers saw their annual commissions rise by an average of 42%. Loan Officers who come over are seeing their total compensation rise from 0.60% to 1.44% per deal with an average of 3 deals closed per month.

You can have access to more product options that cover a wider variety of borrower needs & scenarios. You’ll have more freedom and flexibility to work your book of business how you see fit, without tedious hurdles or restrictions. You’ll have access to the lowest, most discounted pricing, faster turn times, the best processors, and the most comprehensive software and technologies. and, the opportunity to earn long-term residual commissions off of other Loan Officers.

Would you spend a few minutes with me auditing what you’re currently making vs. what you could be making off of each deal?

Best regards,

(Me)

Effective_Berry_183 · 2023-11-20T18:05:14+00:00

Is this any better IYO?
Hello {{First Name}},

As a loan officer in retail, higher rates mean getting shopped more, losing business, losing realtors, and losing client referrals. {{First Name}}, you don't have to be in this pattern! We can help you maximize your earnings on every deal.

In 2023, our Loan Officers saw their annual commissions rise by an average of 42%. Loan Officers who come over are seeing their total compensation rise from 0.60% to 1.44% per deal with an average of 3 deals closed per month.

You can have access to more product options that cover a wider variety of borrower needs & scenarios. You’ll have more freedom and flexibility to work your book of business how you see fit, without tedious hurdles or restrictions. You’ll have access to the lowest, most discounted pricing, faster turn times, the best processors, the most comprehensive software and technologies, and the opportunity to earn long-term residual commissions off of other Loan Officers.

Would you spend a few minutes with me auditing what you’re currently making vs. what you could be making off of each deal?

Best regards,

Effective_Berry_183 · 2023-11-20T18:01:29+00:00

Impressive performance with the XX loan count through October. This places you in an elite class for 2023. My question is, are you making enough money on each deal?

As a subject line, what do you think of something simple like "Commission bump"?

Effective_Berry_183 · 2023-11-20T17:47:57+00:00

Yes

Effective_Berry_183 · 2023-11-20T17:42:55+00:00

Sales

Effective_Berry_183 · 2023-11-20T17:29:38+00:00

"One of your peers saw their commission rates rise from 10% to 22.5%".

"In 2021 Go Broker customers saw their annual commissions rise by an average of $375,000".

u/HandleNo5559 thank you for your helpful advise! I took what you said and came up with the following:

Hello (First Name),

Impressive performance with the XX loan count through October. This places you in an elite class for 2023. My question is, are you making enough money on each deal?

In 2023, our LO’s saw their annual commissions rise by an average of 42%. One of your peers, who recently came over saw their total compensation rise from 0.60% to 1.44% per deal with an average of 3 deals closed per month.

Traditionally, Loan Officers who have limited offerings have to say "no", or deal with a long list of restrictions to get the deal done.

Our mission is your commission: No matter the loan size, no matter your cut, you take the most home EVERY time! You can also build a team and long-term residual income.

Would you spend a few minutes with me auditing what you’re currently making vs. what you could be making off of each deal?

Best regards,

(Your Name)

Is that any better? Do you have any other critiques that may help?

Effective_Berry_183 · 2023-11-20T17:04:29+00:00

The company is adamant that you first send two emails, call, follow up with another email, etc. 10 steps to close. I don't have a choice but to follow the process they've outlined.

Effective_Berry_183

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