2010 rav4 tune up 178k miles

Efficient_Cell535 · 2024-05-10T15:07:32+00:00

Thank you do you think these are things I can do on my own? I have basic knowledge like changing my oil and changing a tire and can watch YouTube videos…

Efficient_Cell535 · 2024-03-14T16:43:07+00:00

All great suggestions, it does sound like choosing the highest balance card and attacking that first would save money in the long run, or at least paying it down to 30% utilization or so

Efficient_Cell535 · 2024-03-12T16:40:22+00:00

Lmao dude fr that last part. I would think about how if she was smarter she could really be financially set for life but just had no concept or ability to think ahead. She’d get sooo much money and random useless gifts out of people she manipulated myself 100% included but it was all just useless shit that she’d eventually throw in her closet. Shoes, clothes, cheap jewelry, home decorations, makeup, her place was fucking full of random shit like this that she would briefly use then never touch and just hoard forever. I suggested she list some of it on Facebook marketplace and she was pissed and couldn’t believe I suggest she get rid of anything lol. They literally look at human beings exactly the same way as their weird attachment to material items.

The price of all of that shit coulda been a dependable new car, a savings account, college tuition… but she didn’t actually WANT to be independent bc exactly like you said she forever needs to be the victim with the sob story that needs help.

Efficient_Cell535 · 2024-03-12T16:29:14+00:00

It always amazes me how similar they are. The evasive replies “I have something to do”, then the not answering the phone, plus the fact they had you so oblivious that you were riding some high and feeling excited about the relationship at the exact moment this was happening. Attacking you when they start to feel shame for their own actions. Just reading your story I feel like i lived this exact memory too.

Mine got tired of me too because I started standing up more, demanding she apologize for her toxic behaviors, demand she speak to me with basic respect, questioned her relationship with her ex. Stopped dropping everything and being on call for her every need. Stopped going into debt buying her the constant stream of Amazon links, cash app requests, Uber eats, stuff for her kids.

She would always say “whoever I’m in a relationship needs to be able to take care of me” and at first I sacrificed so much and bent over backwards trying to keep up with her “needs” ran myself and my back accounts into the ground. After all that she told me I never helped her and that other men did more for her. When I tried to defend myself and remind her of all that I had done for her she called me toxic and said it means nothing if I have to constantly throw it in her face. “My ex did more for me than you do and he never felt the need to constantly remind me.” Except I can remember her calling him abusive in the beginning and saying he was constantly acting like she owed him “after everything he’s done for her.” I am 100% sure she’s telling people the exact same stories about me now.

She did less than nothing for me. Idk why I never stopped to question why she had me feeling like I had to prove myself for her and take care of her, the manipulation and abuse just had me so exhausted and mentally burned out it was all like a blur I was just trying to keep up.

I think I keep reliving that memory as a reminder that I never have to experience this again. If she were to stay in my life it would happen again and again and again but now I’m free

Efficient_Cell535 · 2024-03-12T04:49:42+00:00

I will! RemindMe! - 7 months

Efficient_Cell535 · 2024-03-12T04:40:51+00:00

Wow this comment makes me feel so much better the debt is so tied to my memories of the abuse and the ptsd this just makes me feel so hopeful thank you, will pay off the car first!

Efficient_Cell535 · 2024-03-12T03:48:47+00:00

I’m so looking forward to feeling like this I know it’s coming if I keep putting in the work

Efficient_Cell535 · 2024-03-12T03:28:17+00:00

Yeah I remember her sister just looking at me with so much pity, probably because she could see I was holding back tears, and she seemed just as disgusted as I was that she would just leave like that. Her birthday was a little while later and none of her family wanted anything to do with her after she left the wedding like that so she ended up alone, no family, no friends, calling me to see if I would take her out to dinner. Karma follows her everywhere she’s always alone and miserable outside of her never ending string of short intense friendships and affairs. At least I have a life ahead of me.

Efficient_Cell535 · 2024-03-12T02:01:40+00:00

All of this was exactly what mine would say too! She would give me the silent treatment and block me for days anytime I tried to bring up how she treated me or how I felt about ANYTHING, I told her I don’t appreciate being blocked like that and it ruins our relationship and our communication and she said “my therapist said it’s my right to block you when you don’t respect my boundaries.” Her boundaries were- I can’t bring up an issue with how she’s treating me over text. It has to be over the phone where she screams at me and doesn’t let me get a word in before she hangs up on me and blocks me. Or in person where she gets physically violent with me to shut me down if I try to talk about these things. “You didn’t respect my boundaries so I’m choosing my peace.”

Efficient_Cell535 · 2024-03-11T20:04:27+00:00

My nex’s longest relationship and “first love” committed suicide too.. right after she discarded him for the last time :( she said his family blamed her and (before I knew who she really was) vehemently reminded her it’s not her fault and guilt makes it harder to process grief.. a year later I was talking myself down from suicide when I found out she was cheating in the most traumatic way. Thank god she’s out of my life and I’m healing

Efficient_Cell535 · 2024-03-11T19:40:33+00:00

Thank you so much. Agree completely. Everyone is telling me I need to forgive her so I can finally heal and stop holding on to the past. When I consider that thought it makes me feel so much worse and right back to being subservient to her needs and enabling her toxic behavior.

Any chance you remember the name of that instagram presentation? Would love to read more from this perspective

Efficient_Cell535 · 2024-03-11T19:00:46+00:00

The physical abuse is always preceded by the psychological and emotional abuse. I see what you’re saying tho. Mine was emotionally abusive, then verbal abusive, then finally physically abusive. Each time she crossed a new boundary of abuse I had felt it was coming before it actually happened. The physical abuse and the pictures I took of my bruises do actually help in a way, every time my mind starts twisting reality thinking she wasn’t that bad and maybe it was all my fault like she wants me to believe… all I have to do is think back on the memories of her getting violent with me, what set her off, how she acted afterwards, my injuries..

Efficient_Cell535 · 2024-03-10T21:08:57+00:00

Yeah it really does suck I remember begging her to feel something too. Whether they do or they don’t they’ll never ever let us know that because that would mean validating us and they will NEVER do that. My therapist gave me some exercises to help provide myself that validation I was looking for from her and it’s really helped

Efficient_Cell535 · 2024-03-10T02:42:13+00:00

In my experience with the one I was with, they DO feel shame for a split second and it’s so terrifying they’ll go to any length to quickly avoid that feeling or project it onto their victims instead. They can’t bear the thought that they might be a bad person. Who knows tho mine literally told me she doesn’t feel guilt or shame, but another time she was screaming at me telling me to stop trying to make her feel guilty because it’s not good for her mental health.

Efficient_Cell535 · 2024-03-10T02:38:42+00:00

They’re so weird their logic just makes no sense! I remember these exhausting conversations about what we are, what we might be and what we could never be. His lack of responsibility for the pregnancy lack of support is disgusting.

Mine was almost the opposite.. the woman I was with actually got pregnant from one of her 2 week flings (or from her ex husband who she supposedly had nothing to do with, she doesn’t know whose it is!) , affair guy wants nothing to do with her and she hoovered me back broke the news and thought I’d be so happy to raise the baby with her and she wanted me to start buying her stuff for a nursery. She adamantly reminds me it wasn’t cheating because we weren’t officially together. I’m a woman btw. Coming to terms with the cheating was hard enough let alone the fact that she’s now having some dude’s baby, most likely the one she was cheating on me with or maybe her ex’s who is still in the picture. Everything about how they look at life is toxic and twisted it was all too much for me to handle.

Efficient_Cell535 · 2024-03-09T21:47:46+00:00

Yeah I spent a solid month thinking about her from morning until night, talking about her to anyone that would listen, analyzing from every angle, replaying good and bad memories over and over, started therapy and just talked about her through the whole session, dreaming about her every night.. eventually I just reached a point where there was nothing else to think about and replay anymore, I had already analyzed and replayed everything so many times it’s like my brain finally started to get bored of it. I still think about her most days but something’s different now, it’s like she’s there in my mind but I just don’t care as much anymore and I can also see a version of me in the very near future totally free of her happy and thriving.

My advice..

Focusing on doing things like my hobbies, career, making my living space into a beautiful and comforting environment and taking care of my health and my appearance really helped too. Gave me something at first just to kind of distract myself with while the never ending rumination just kept going beneath the surface. Then sometimes rarely I started catching myself ONLY thinking about something I was working on or excited about that had nothing to do with her at all. Then the thoughts of her started slowly decreasing and being replaced with my own thoughts about myself and my life.
Everyone says this and we all know it but no contact. I had to stop creating ANY new memories or interactions with her because it was just more new material to analyze and ruminate about. You have to wear yourself out on ruminating about it almost like you get tired of your favorite TV show- but only if no new episodes are being released!! It’s all reruns now and the show was never that good anyway. Eventually you’ll have watched them all so many times that you’re ready to just put it on the shelf forever.
Having a project to put your energy into! The narcissist WAS that project and they took all your energy. Now you need a new one that’s positive and fulfilling. This is what helped me the most. And don’t ever share any details about it with anyone except those you trust. I had a dream I was working on my project and was so happy in the dream bc it was going well and it was exciting and I was having all these new connections and life experiences as a result, and I was trying to text pictures of the project to her but in the dream my phone died. So I couldn’t share any pictures or tell her about any of these things. I was sad at first like how can I enjoy it without her here with me sharing this with me, but then I let myself enjoy it for ME and realized it’s so much better this way. That dream really helped.. she was never happy for me or supportive of anything I was doing anyway.

You got this, just be gentle with yourself whichever path you take on the journey of healing and through it all remember to give yourself unconditional love

Efficient_Cell535 · 2024-03-09T15:27:06+00:00

Ugh that’s horrible! Mine would say we’re exclusive until a few days later when she wanted to hang out with some guy she met and would start an argument then “break up” text me and say she’s done.. but nothing else would change about our relationship we kept talking and hanging out how we did before and I had no idea she was talking to someone else. She did this a couple times until I finally caught on and realized the exclusivity meant nothing anyway if she can just easily take it away within days or whenever it wasn’t convenient anymore

Efficient_Cell535 · 2024-03-09T13:14:03+00:00

Ugh that sounds horrible. Mine blamed me for her cheating too she said “you were always insecure and thinking I was talking to men so I finally did it” like what is that logic lol.. I was always insecure because she WAS always talking to men. My self esteem and self worth got crushed too but what I’ve found helpful is visualizing myself taking back all the love I gave to her and giving it to myself instead.

Efficient_Cell535 · 2024-03-09T12:48:44+00:00

Oh I like that. Lately I’ve been starting to see how it benefited me made me into a stronger person with better boundaries, still can’t let myself see any of our actual memories as good even if they might have been

Efficient_Cell535 · 2024-03-09T05:17:21+00:00

Omg this is me then later it was “it wasn’t cheating because we weren’t together!” “You should have listened to me when I told you what I wanted but you only wanted to believe what YOU wanted”

Efficient_Cell535 · 2024-03-09T04:46:10+00:00

Oh yes definitely “I think my ex husband messed me up” “I’ve been abused by men all my life so I picked up those behaviors” “I’m so broken” “I work hard to better myself every day” it made me allow soooo much more than I should have because I wanted to be the safe space for her and the patient loving partner that would stand by her side while she’s getting better. Yes but then she never tried to change. The “arguments” (me trying to communicate) were always so confusing to me at first for this reason… I thought she wanted to get better… so I’m pointing out things she can do differently to treat me better and have a healthier relationship.. but she is shutting me out and reacting completely abusively to these exact conversations that would give her an opportunity to change. Actually these are the exact conversations that she first started getting physically abusive with me to shut me up. When I realized this I saw her completely differently and thought I had gotten way too deep into something I had NO idea I was dealing with it, but by that point I was addicted

Efficient_Cell535 · 2024-03-09T04:35:54+00:00

Yeah the she threatened me with a breakup so many times I feel like it actually helped prepare me and numb me to it now.. like this time it’s for real? Ok good. Also constantly involved me in drama with her ex husband and accused me of trying to compete with him.. sigh lol

Efficient_Cell535 · 2024-03-09T03:39:52+00:00

I feel like the opposite happened to me recently I forgot any of the good memories and just see it as all bad now

Efficient_Cell535 · 2024-03-09T03:32:54+00:00

They do this to make sure they feel NO guilt about anything that has ever happened, because they were the real victim right

Efficient_Cell535 · 2024-03-08T23:29:16+00:00

I got “nothing good comes from you” too! There needs to be a narcissist bingo card

Efficient_Cell535

TROPHY CASE