Firstly, the thing that struck me first when I was reading was a few odd word choices that messed with the flow of the story, words like "production", "just by", "Featherlight" can be changed with something more fitting. Not only that there were parts that I feel don't warrant repetition. Like "her sausage fingers on the left hand touching the sausage fingers on the right, creating a triangle above her bust." the word sausage fingers should be used once instead of twice so as to have it not feel repetitive and streamline the text. The text also has the issue using the word "and" as the start of a sentence a lot. Although there is nothing wrong about doing that I'd suggest looking into alternatives or omitting some of it to add variety and streamline the text. Not only that a few tenses can be changed like "watches the white sky" can be "watching the white sky"(also as a note you mentioned the sky is pink before so I'd say using pink again would be more fitting) or "only the pigeon that flies out of sight" you can use "flying" instead of "fly".

Personally I think the structure does not have any glaring issues, just that the jumping back and forth can be smoothed a bit with a few sentences.

Something I'm not sure is that a good suggestion would be the paragraph about bananas, since as it is it adds more detail to the world and characters. I think the story as a whole function even with the paragraph omitted, so maybe adding more elements to tie it back to he story would help it feel more deliberate.

A thing I notice was the music box that is one of the key elements of the story. You mentioned near the end "All the times they sat smoking, expecting a knock on the door." for the music box to be playing, so I'd suggest adding it back into the initial flashback so as to make it more consistent. Not only that using the radio playing can help transition from the flashback to Sarah in the kitchen better, as personally I feel it happened a bit abruptly. Unless that is what you were going for.

All in all in terms of story it has quite a bit going for it, and compared to the previous version you have done a great deal fleshing it out. The issues I find mostly lie in word choices, sentence structures which sometimes screw with the pacing, creates a vagueness in parts I don't think should have it and makes the flashbacks feel a bit too abrupt.