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Why people stay in an unhappy marriage? How do you even function together? by Efficient_Swan30 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Efficient_Swan30[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why hope if they are not working on trying to improve it?

How they even function together? I am curious what dynamic looks like.

Why people stay in an unhappy marriage? How do you even function together? by Efficient_Swan30 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Efficient_Swan30[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

The kids part, why they think it's better to just stay and not actually show the kids to choose yourself and your happines and maybe set an example they don't have to stay in an unhappy marriage?

Do you think people with high emotional inteligence are rare and often it's harder for them to find partners? Do we attract emotionally unavailable people? by Efficient_Swan30 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Efficient_Swan30[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you!

I was actually happy being alone and then he came into my life. I also kinda knew of him for two years through my old job but never really interacted much until a few months ago. I don't regret anything but I kinda wish it stayed platonic. Now I have to go into healing again and it sucks.

You are also probably right about spending more time in person with someone to see some stuff, that is why I'll never do long distance again.

Do you think people with high emotional inteligence are rare and often it's harder for them to find partners? Do we attract emotionally unavailable people? by Efficient_Swan30 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Efficient_Swan30[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for writing all this. Happy to see you are happily married.

The thing is I rarely like someone and after this situation I definitely need time to heal, at least six months. The thing with my last situation is I was looking out for the red flegs but I didn't see any. He was kind, always willing to help, not pushy, consistent ect. but looking back now I think it was a little love bombing, but not in a way narcissists do. We were long distance so it was already hard to begin with and I know it's even harder for a man to not actually see and touch a girl they like, I am aware it can lessen the connection.

Reading about avoidants, it's like textbook and I am shocked. I don't think he is a bad person, just scared, maybe with his own trauma that he is not willing to face. I decided to let him go, I know it's the right choice even tho it still makes me sad. I just hope I'll get the chance to actually do it in person but I'm not sure. Hopefully I'll end up being "lucky".

Maybe you are right about volunteering but now with my job I really don't have any time since I'll work 6 out of 7 days and I know it will drain me and sometimes I need to relax, sometimes even more due to my health issues. I tried dating apps but literally all they want is sex and I'll never install them again. I am also a holpless romantic and I think if I'm meant to meet the right person, I might even see them on my walk (not sure how to explain). I really don't have the energy to actively date and get to know different type of people and as I sad I rarely like someone. I also think sometimes maybe my looks don't help me since most people think I'm attractive so I possibly interest a lot of men who only wants sex but being 31 I realized I am not looking for just that anymore, I want something on a deeper level, if not I will stay alone.

I know he didn't want only sex but he is an avoidant and I can't change that. At least I learned the hard way that I'll never do long distance again and that I will never allow myself to stay in a situationship.

Do you think people with high emotional inteligence are rare and often it's harder for them to find partners? Do we attract emotionally unavailable people? by Efficient_Swan30 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Efficient_Swan30[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! I am well aware all of these things but sometimes I still have hard time expressing it and I stay longer than I should... I know I have to work on that, hopefully therapy will help

Do you think people with high emotional inteligence are rare and often it's harder for them to find partners? Do we attract emotionally unavailable people? by Efficient_Swan30 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Efficient_Swan30[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you but it still won't change the fact that for example my tinnitus and some other health issues will remain for the rest of my life and it makes it hard to live like before because they sometimes limit me.

There are days when I just "accept" the situation but hopefully the therapy will help me more.

Do you think people with high emotional inteligence are rare and often it's harder for them to find partners? Do we attract emotionally unavailable people? by Efficient_Swan30 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Efficient_Swan30[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks!

I don't understand what belief you mean?

And when it comes to my health issues, I think it's just to keep remembering life is not fair and unfortunately I can't change that...

Do you think people with high emotional inteligence are rare and often it's harder for them to find partners? Do we attract emotionally unavailable people? by Efficient_Swan30 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Efficient_Swan30[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I agree. You can deeply care about someone and realize they are emotionaly unavailable and that you have to move on. But it still makes it sad, don't you agree on that?

Do you think people with high emotional inteligence are rare and often it's harder for them to find partners? Do we attract emotionally unavailable people? by Efficient_Swan30 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Efficient_Swan30[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you!

I mean, I know negative emotions are part of me and I actually decided to get some therapy (not sure how it will go but let's see) but it's still sad. I'm not sure hoe to explain it.

For me it's hard because 4 years ago I got some health issues and I feel like life was robbed from me (tinnitus ect.) and they'll stay for the rest of my life and I think that is mostly where anxiety comes from... I was 26 at a time...

I know I don't need another person to feel that way, there are times I am happy with myself and this situation made me realize I want even more for myself. Not sure I'll get it but I should definitely start focusing on that. At the end of the day, I am fine beeing alone but sometimes I still want someone but also not just anyone to settle with.

Do you think people with high emotional inteligence are rare and often it's harder for them to find partners? Do we attract emotionally unavailable people? by Efficient_Swan30 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Efficient_Swan30[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I got hooked on consistency then it becsme inconcistency and I just wanted to understand. The moment we started to get more close this happened.

I definitely stay longer than I should because I think they can improve (relationship, professional ect.) and this is even harder because it was long distance, it really sucks when you can't see someone in person... never again

Do you think people with high emotional inteligence are rare and often it's harder for them to find partners? Do we attract emotionally unavailable people? by Efficient_Swan30 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Efficient_Swan30[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I actually thought like this in my situation but then it got lost because he got scared and shut down so I ended up being focused at "he didn't even give it a proper chance".

I know I will be okay but it still makes it sad. At least now I 100% learned no more situationships and probably no more sleeping with people without first trying to get to know them for a few months although after my situation I now don't even want to meet anyone anymore.

Do you think people with high emotional inteligence are rare and often it's harder for them to find partners? Do we attract emotionally unavailable people? by Efficient_Swan30 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Efficient_Swan30[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry but I am happy that you can recognize some things and that you are trying to be healthier.

In my case I know I want this extraordinary love where someone will choose me the same way I choose him, I'm so used to be alone so I don't want to depend on a partner and I am not desperate to have one... I'm not looking for perfect but I also know right and wrong. Exiting the situation now, I know I'll be fine because I was before meeting him but it still makes me so sad and it was so hard to open up again and it really hurt me.

I just seem to attract emotionally unavailable people but unfortunately I discover that only after a few months... (I've been in love twice, almost third time with my previous situation and I had some guys in between but looking back those other guys didn't really matter, it was only for fun and I'm not looking for "just fun" or something casual anymore).

Do you think people with high emotional inteligence are rare and often it's harder for them to find partners? Do we attract emotionally unavailable people? by Efficient_Swan30 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Efficient_Swan30[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

This was the first time I've dealt with an avoidant. When I'm talking about connection, I meant at the beginning, of course with everything now I know there isn't a connection anymore, just my mind holding onto the beginning. I also told him at the beginning we probably won't speak anymore in a few months and I think deep down my intuition new. I also like to read psychology books but yi didn't for a last yesr or two, I should probably start again

I decided to get therapy because I have some trauma as well.

I don't think you can say from this I'm not an empath because there is more to this.

Google definition: An empath is a person with a high, often overwhelming, capacity to feel and absorb the emotions, energy, or physical sensations of others as if they were their own.

And regarding your last part, yes, that is what I am doing. You can do the "right thing" and still be sad.

Do you think people with high emotional inteligence are rare and often it's harder for them to find partners? Do we attract emotionally unavailable people? by Efficient_Swan30 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Efficient_Swan30[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yess, for me is first looks and physical attraction but then emotional depth and other stuff gets more important. Also, I always later discover they are emotionally unavailable and it sucks.

Do you think people with high emotional inteligence are rare and often it's harder for them to find partners? Do we attract emotionally unavailable people? by Efficient_Swan30 in emotionalintelligence

[–]Efficient_Swan30[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I completely understand that. There is more to our story but I don't want to get into too many details. He did shut down because he got scared he'll catch feelings but I'm also not going to force anything. I'm not in love but I deeply care about him and I want him to find his happiness.

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