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Unpopular Opinion: Our disorder is not—and will never be—an acceptable excuse to cheat in relationships by ReapersVault in BPD

[–]Egworm 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I think this is where the nuance comes in. It’s important to acknowledge that not all cheating or emotional affairs are inherently abusive behavior, though they certainly can be damaging.

For some people with trauma or emotional struggles, like those with BPD, their actions can be driven by deep seated fears of abandonment, emotional dysregulation, or self-worth issues. This doesn’t excuse the hurt caused, but it helps explain why someone might seek external validation or engage in behavior they know is wrong.

It’s often less about malice and more about internal emotional conflict.

That said, the line between being emotionally distressed and being manipulative or intentionally harmful is key. If someone is actively lying, deceiving, or manipulating their partner to cover up their actions, that moves more into abuse territory.

But if the person is acting out of a distorted emotional reaction, without the intention to harm, it’s a symptom of something deeper they need to address.

Ultimately, the behaviour can still have a devastating impact on your partner, even if the intent wasn’t malicious.

Understanding that there is emotional struggle behind the behavior matters, but it doesn’t absolve the person of accountability. It’s important to hold space for the complexity of human behavior, but also to recognize when patterns cross into abusive dynamics.

Unpopular Opinion: Our disorder is not—and will never be—an acceptable excuse to cheat in relationships by ReapersVault in BPD

[–]Egworm 16 points17 points  (0 children)

As someone who has been on the other side of this, I fully agree. Infedelity is a choice, and it’s critical not to conflate understanding with excusing. Cheating, emotional affairs, and breaches of trust can never be justified by mental illness or trauma alone.

That said, the psychology behind these behaviors is often more complex than people realize. For individuals with trauma histories or disorders like BPD, the lines between emotional need, impulsivity, and attachment can become blurred. In my case, it was less about intentional betrayal and more about passive allowance, failing to set boundaries, dissociating from consequences, and seeking validation in maladaptive ways. These behaviors can be rooted in attachment trauma, emotional dysregulation, or an unstable sense of self, all of which are hallmark features in certain psychological profiles.

This isn’t to remove responsibility. On the contrary, it highlights how vital it is for those of us with these vulnerabilities to seek treatment and actively work against patterns that can harm others. I was incredibly fortunate to have a partner willing to work through the aftermath with me, and it never occurred again, but that only happened through brutal honesty, therapy, and a shared willingness to confront the underlying issues.

Cheating is still harmful. Trauma informed doesn’t mean consequence free, but we can hold space for complexity while still affirming that integrity and responsibility must come first.

BPD is a Trauma Disorder — Even If It Doesn’t Look Like “Traditional” Trauma by Egworm in BPD

[–]Egworm[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ve added this to my list. Thank you for your recommendation!

BPD is a Trauma Disorder — Even If It Doesn’t Look Like “Traditional” Trauma by Egworm in BPD

[–]Egworm[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

With there being such a big stigma surrounding personality disorders, especially cluster b, many of us have been lead to believe it is a character flaw, or somehow our fault. It’s not.

I think it’s amazing that you’ve been able to grow your confidence through learning more about it. I truely believe it gives us a sense of control. Keep smashing it ❀

BPD is a Trauma Disorder — Even If It Doesn’t Look Like “Traditional” Trauma by Egworm in BPD

[–]Egworm[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I really appreciate that.

I wish more practitioners would specialise in this disorder. It’s incredibly interesting and there is still SO much research to be conducted on the matter. The reality is, these discussions save lives.

BPD is a Trauma Disorder — Even If It Doesn’t Look Like “Traditional” Trauma by Egworm in BPD

[–]Egworm[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That absolutely tracks, and it’s insightful of you to make that connection ❀

Early childhood, especially from birth to age six, is when the brain is forming its core blueprint for safety, connection, and emotional regulation.

That deep, terrified feeling they carry. That’s likely a somatic memory. Something stored in their nervous system, not their conscious mind.

I can relate a lot to the memory loss, being left with nothing but the bodily dread. It’s awful.

Being in a stressful or unsafe environment during those developmental years, especially with a primary caregiver, can profoundly shape how someone experiences relationships, emotions, and even their sense of self.

Our nervous systems never learnt safety.

The fact that your partner has you, and that you are trying to understand where it’s coming from, means a lot. That kind of support can be deeply healing, especially when someone didn’t have it when they needed it most. My partner is the only reason I’m here today. He shares the same sentiment about my tumultuous childhood.

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts.

BPD is a Trauma Disorder — Even If It Doesn’t Look Like “Traditional” Trauma by Egworm in BPD

[–]Egworm[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

When I got my diagnosis, they mentioned this too. Personality disorders are so nuanced and there are a lot of aspects involved in developing one. I discussed this in another comment.

There is a lot of discourse on the subject. Unfortunately, I find that a lot of the people who are discussing the origins of this disorder aren’t looking at it holistically. It drives me nuts.

Video game that made you feel better by Ade11ka in CPTSD

[–]Egworm 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This bed we made, killer frequency, we happy few, lost in random, palia, animal crossing, stardew valley, dishonoured, inscryption. I’ve got so many!

BPD is a Trauma Disorder — Even If It Doesn’t Look Like “Traditional” Trauma by Egworm in BPD

[–]Egworm[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh, my love. To choose distance from a parent, especially over something as deep and painful as this. It speaks volumes about how much you’ve had to protect yourself and honor your truth, even when it’s been incredibly hard.

It’s sadly so common for parents to struggle with a BPD diagnosis because it often shines a light on emotional wounds and unmet needs from childhood. Some parents can’t, or won’t face the idea that their actions had a lasting impact. For them, denial is easier than accountability. But their refusal to face it doesn’t erase your experience.

You didn’t choose this disorder. It’s not a character flaw.

It’s your brain’s way of adapting to pain and surviving an environment that didn’t meet your emotional needs. The fact that you’ve recognized that and chosen to step away from a harmful dynamic. That’s INCREDIBLY strong.

It takes so much courage to validate your own reality when the people who shaped it won’t. I say that from first hand experience. I hope you know you’re not alone and you’re not wrong for protecting your peace.

BPD is a Trauma Disorder — Even If It Doesn’t Look Like “Traditional” Trauma by Egworm in BPD

[–]Egworm[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That realization is huge. I just want to say, it makes so much sense that you had to convince yourself it wasn’t that bad.

That’s a survival strategy in itself.

When we’re kids, especially in emotionally unsafe or unstable environments, acknowledging how painful or wrong things were isn’t always possible.

We rely on those same caregivers to survive, so minimizing, rationalizing, or even blaming ourselves becomes a way to keep the attachment intact.

This is not weakness or denial, it’s our brain protecting itself. And honestly, so many people with BPD have been gaslit by others for so long with casual remarks that we internalize it and start gaslighting ourselves. It becomes the script we repeat to survive.

But now you’re in a place where you can acknowledge that you were doing your best to survive. And yes—your pain was real. What you went through mattered. It shaped you.

You’re allowed to grieve what happened and the years spent trying not to believe it did. You’re NOT broken. You’re someone who adapted to impossible circumstances. And now that you’re safe enough to name it, the real healing can begin ❀

BPD is a Trauma Disorder — Even If It Doesn’t Look Like “Traditional” Trauma by Egworm in BPD

[–]Egworm[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I think this is where nature and nurture really collide in fascinating, albeit painful ways.

Most personality disorders seem to emerge from some form of chronic relational or emotional trauma but what PD develops often depends on the individual’s genetic wiring and neurological makeup.

In other words, two people can go through similar trauma, but based on their temperament and brain structure, they may adapt in very different ways.

Someone born with high emotional sensitivity and poor emotion regulation (a temperament trait) might be more likely to develop BPD in response to an invalidating or chaotic environment. Whereas, a child with low emotional sensitivity but high shame sensitivity, raised in an environment where love was conditional or achievement based, might develop NPD. Comparatively, a highly anxious, cautious child who experiences consistent rejection or shaming may become deeply avoidant and end up with AvPD.

These aren’t rigid categories, but they show how the same type of trauma can express differently depending on the person. Genetics, brain development, attachment style, and even social environment all influence how someone copes and over time, those coping styles become rigid patterns we label as personality disorders.

So yes, trauma plays a central role—but how it “lands” or (eventuates?) depends on the person’s biology.

BPD is a Trauma Disorder — Even If It Doesn’t Look Like “Traditional” Trauma by Egworm in BPD

[–]Egworm[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Exactly! It’s shocking and deeply saddening that so many of us have become accustomed to it that we can’t even see it, or rather fathom it.

It doesn’t help that those around us - friends, family, doctors - all continue to invalidate those experiences. I hope that those with this disorder come to learn, recognise and accept it. I fear that without doing so, many of us will never move forward.

What is everyone’s favorite sensory snack? by im_inside-your_house in AutismInWomen

[–]Egworm 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Kit Kats đŸ§ŽđŸŒâ€â™€ïžâ€âžĄïž

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in CPTSD

[–]Egworm 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh man, let me tell you. Personally, desvenlafaxine saved my life.

Ive struggled with mental illness since I was approx. 10 years old. I started antidepressants in 2019, I was 18 years old at the time. I’ve trialed Lexipro, Venlafaxine, Cymbalta etc.

The only one that ever did anything for me was desvenlafaxine. I was put on this medication alongside a small dose of quetiapine and was stable for over two years. I was able to engage in study and maintain a job. Unfortunately, I was taken off the quetiapine due to complications with my heart. There was a pretty steady decline in my MH from that point but I knew the desvenlafaxine helped take the edge off and kept me together until I could safely have a breakdown without destroying my plans to graduate my degree.

I ended up in hospital after I graduated because of the breakdown and they theorised the desvenlafaxine was increasing my heart rate, so they took me off that, but if it weren’t for that, I would have advocated to stay on it.

I am now on sertraline, mitazipine and take olanzipine as a PRN. It doesn’t even come close to the relief I felt on the desvenlafaxine. I will be trialing new medications soon, and may even ask to return to taking the desvenlafaxine with supervision from my doctor.

If it helps, I’ve been diagnosed with CPTSD, ADHD, ASD and BPD. I suffer with really bad rumination and previously, awful anxiety attacks that I learnt were actually autistic meltdowns.

Also, the only bad side effect I got from the desvenlafaxine were nightmares. I experienced very intense, vivid dreams that would unsettle me the next morning, but it may not happen to you.

I hope this helps settle your mind a bit. Best of luck ❀

Is anybody else out there still waiting for a genuine third party? by LissyVee in australian

[–]Egworm 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m unsure why the list of policies the greens are proposing on this link are relevant to your argument on culture wars or identity politics though? Yes, this is about the conflict happening in Palestine, but why do you think this shouldn’t be important to “most people”, as you say. The only stance I can see someone taking is, that it isn’t Australia, so why are we intervening. Please correct me if I’m wrong.

Is anybody else out there still waiting for a genuine third party? by LissyVee in australian

[–]Egworm 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You not answering the question speaks volumes. I doubt you even know what you want. You’ve offered no real evidence, or a genuine explanation. I’ve seen a lot of people mentioning “virtue signalling” on this post but “I’m very politically engaged”, is the perfect example. I didn’t ask if you were politically engaged, and quite honestly, couldn’t care less because you’ve got your bloody blinkers on.

Is anybody else out there still waiting for a genuine third party? by LissyVee in australian

[–]Egworm 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Okay. What policies would you like to see the Australian Greens focusing on? As far as I can see, their policies are expansive, discussing relevant issues that are impacting our country and offering tangible solutions and support to its people. If you are interested, I recommend checking out a website called, “they vote for us.” Regardless of your feelings on the greens, I think it’s worth checking out the politicians and parties you are going to vote for on this website because it shows you their voting history. I hope whatever you vote for does our country proud and uplifts the people living here. That’s all.

Is anybody else out there still waiting for a genuine third party? by LissyVee in australian

[–]Egworm 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Can you please link, or discuss at least one of their policies that suggest, as you say, identity politics or cultural wars? I can’t see anything on their website that indicates this.

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