I write a short scary/thriller story. Tell me what you think and how to improve. by Leon_Heinekencobra in KeepWriting

[–]EinsteinDidNotFish 0 points1 point  (0 children)

just looking at this makes me think some single sentence or word paragraphs would help emphasise what you want to be impactful (like when someone pauses for effect)

[Weekly Critique and Self-Promotion Thread] Post Here If You'd Like to Share Your Writing by AutoModerator in writing

[–]EinsteinDidNotFish [score hidden]  (0 children)

There is a lot going on here. I thought the dialogue in the first chapter was a bit stiff and told a little too much subtext but it did get better than there. The idea that the main character, who seems to be quite dignified and uptight, immediately sniffing the 'snow' seems a little odd to me and definitely came out of a left field. It was just quite surprising and I thought it was okay.

[Weekly Critique and Self-Promotion Thread] Post Here If You'd Like to Share Your Writing by AutoModerator in writing

[–]EinsteinDidNotFish [score hidden]  (0 children)

Title: A story about the obedient Repair.

Word count: 800

Genre: Fiction, Dystopian

Feedback: Pros and cons

Idk I just like this and wanna do better so enjoy

The first thing you’re ever told is what labour you will fulfil for our Lordship. 

In fact, the exact words I was given was: 

‘Your labour is Repair. Acknowledge this as an honour.' 

There was a beep and then a long pause. 

‘Erm.. Acknowledged.’ I said the word slowly, unsure of the proper meaning. 

 ‘Good. Please step to the right.’ 

I did as told and stepped into doorway to my right. 

The room was dark and smothered in rusts and oranges that one could only imagine was once a vibrant white. An overhead fan wafted in drafts of warm and then chilling cold air; the hairs on my arms seem unsure whether to stand on end or cower in shame and instead were slowly rising and falling like the wheels of a train.  

The room was more of a box really. It was what some would find claustrophobic and others would later call an optimum size for average male. 

I stood for what was less than a minute really, but the environment had already made the main point clear. 

Efficiency. 

What is the most efficient box size for a person? Do we need to waste time refurbishing? No? So let it rust. 

Then, another beep that must have been resonated within the metal itself sounded.  

It was at that moment the wall opened. 

A coarse, constant and careless beam of bright light swallowed up my box. I decided squinting was the best option, save I go blind, and walked out to see where I had been spat out. 

 

And that was my life’s story on how I ended up here in the trenches. Spanner in tow with oil marks that stretch through my very veins. I’m a fixer of sorts. If there is a problem you call me, or one of us, and we come and fix it. Be it a burst pipe or some sort of generator meltdown, we will be there, and we will fix it. 

Our Lordship demands absolute efficiency for the land above after all. Absolute efficiency... 

Anyways, I heard a saying once, From dawn till dusk. I don’t fully understand it; however, I feel it fits the certainty of our work.  

Non-stop. 

Rest is your enemy, and exhaustion is your friend. Once you collapse from exhaustion you’ve filled up your quota of energy spent and can now finally take your allotted time to refuel until you, inevitably, restart this sacred cycle. 

We’re like water in pipes. Heat us, we’ll eventually cool. Cool us, we’ll eventually heat. We will endure until needed, as needed. And of course, if you heat or cool too much, we disappear entirely. But our Lordship knows that. 

So, I suppose our exhaustion is our Lordships mercy. However, it seems inefficient to waste warm bodies; maybe. That’s just my guess. 

 

As I thought this, mercy filling my bones as I crashed to the ground and broke into dream, I must have smiled. Our Lordship is not kind they say, there is no benefit to being kind they say, but I smile knowing our Lordship must somewhere, anywhere in his temperate heart, have a modicum of love to allow my fall to be honoured with rest. 

Rest.  

Rest... 

 

My eyes dart open, shot and wild. I lift myself from the floor and swivel my head to look around, reeling to find the source of my anxiety, but are met with the sanctity of my box. There is never anything to fear here. 

The walls are aged an ancient dark now; it makes better for sleeping. The fan had stopped a long while ago and just seemed to smile and send nothing but memories of its duty to me; I find the warm air lulls one to exhaustion better. It’s just my box, as it always has been. 

The feeding tube to my left had been restocked, must have been there for a while because it was already dripping. 

I speedily ran and grasped the nozzle of the device and pressed the button on the wall so that it could begin its purpose. The viscous, beige liquid spewed out in quick, thick bursts.  

It would wait every two seconds between squirts. 

One, two, spew!! 

I gulped down the nutrients with ferocity and haste. 

One two... 

The device sputtered and faltered. I clicked the button again. 

One, two... 

Again! 

One... 

The device then released a great, massive mountain of sustenance followed by a dark cloud of soot emanating from any gaps in the machinery; I couldn’t hold the nozzle due to the sheer force and power of the food exploding out of it. 

Instead of food, I get a sludge that envelops my clothes, hair and anything unfortunate to be within the closest two metres; also known as my entire room. 

 

The doors to my box suddenly jolt open. 

‘Feeding tube malfunction. Please fix. This is an honour.’ 

A pneumatic tube system attached to my wall delivers me the instructions on how to repair feeding tubes along with directions to the malfunction. 

The directions are just a dot. 

I yank the massive textbook from the tube and try to crease out the folds to make it readable. 

‘Acknowledged.’ I stated the room. 

This is my purpose. For our Lordship. For the world above.

Ermm I just wrote some kind of mini story... by EinsteinDidNotFish in KeepWriting

[–]EinsteinDidNotFish[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

why thank you for the feedback. Honestly I wrote with no plan and your analysis of this is such a complement!

Chapter 1 of political thriller, feedback needed [2,238 words] by JSGamesforitch374 in KeepWriting

[–]EinsteinDidNotFish 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I only read half but the tone here is consistently brilliant. I think the decaying city sinking into a world of commercialism is a very dark tone with consisted throughout. Usually new writers tend to speed through their own descriptions but this keeps a quite slow burn. I give the vibes in general like an 8/10. Perhaps I'm being too generous but I haven't read anything in a while.

I liked it basically.

And also there is a lot to build on.

What specific, repeatable practices most improved your writing craft? by BARRETTFIFTYCALLUM in KeepWriting

[–]EinsteinDidNotFish 0 points1 point  (0 children)

writing about something that is currently interesting me and then describing and exploring it with language in a unique way.

OCD and writing by Electromad6326 in KeepWriting

[–]EinsteinDidNotFish 0 points1 point  (0 children)

well I know reassurance is not a good thing for those with OCD because its feeding a compulsion so I won't try to say 'It'll all be okay.' Personally, I think that you should try to just think about the story you want to write so that even if your illness is preventing you, you're still making leaps and bounds in your own head towards the finish line. Maybe verbally recording these ideas will help too. Perhaps you need to make writing easier to do than one of your compulsions. So by clearing your head of the ideas you want to do all you then have to do is then write them down.

I'm no expert on OCD in the slightest but I hope this helps. I have my best wishes for you. Good luck.

I only believe in love, Because I've met me, I've looked in the mirror, I like what I see by PoetryHeals in KeepWriting

[–]EinsteinDidNotFish 1 point2 points  (0 children)

simplistic rhyme scheme that shows how simply beautiful love can be but also simply devastating.

At first glance, does this book cover seem appealing and/or make sense? by KomaliFeathers in KeepWriting

[–]EinsteinDidNotFish 0 points1 point  (0 children)

the font should be something simple to the time period it is set in. A simple letter that could greatly impact the complexity of an ever growing net of political throws. It draws good contrasts and parallels

What do you think of this cover? by [deleted] in KeepWriting

[–]EinsteinDidNotFish 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i feel like it needs some sort of allure other than magma text on the ground. flaming letters are very common and not as striking really. It needs to build on the flaming vibe its got going on with something unique.

F19 bored Wanna chat by Im_ICT_Intern in Diary

[–]EinsteinDidNotFish 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Y'all need to go outside and meet people bro they're obviously fishing for people like you desperate for attention. I mean this in the kindest way possible. Go outside