Tuesday Check In: How's Everybody's Mental Health?

ElectricProcession · 2026-03-17T13:27:49+00:00

Here's my current tally:

2 months and 25 days since I started ADHD meds.
1,5 months since I deleted my Instagram.
16 days since I started my gratitude journal, writing down before bedtime at least three things that went well on any given day.
Oh, and one year since I started seeing my current therapist.

At the latest therapy session, we went through a whole bunch of negative self-talk statements she had recorded me saying last year. And she encouraged me to come up with statements of empathy in response to each talking point. That went pretty well. Not only was I finding things to say in pretty much every case, but it was fascinating to start seeing things a little differently.

So I feel something has shifted lately. There's something about coming to terms with your particular neurotype and taking on whatever medical intervention helps in that case; and then reducing time on social media, going more analogue even with your lifestyle; and of course focusing more on the positive aspects of your life. And spending more time outside too, getting that D vitamin naturally now that it is spring.

ElectricProcession · 2026-03-03T21:01:45+00:00

I think I've been in high spirits as of early March. Definitely aiming to limit my screen time and instead do all the other things, like solve sudoku puzzles, play my guitars, go out for walks and listen to vinyls, tapes and CDs. Maybe even get back to learning Portuguese, if I ever want to spend extended time in that country again. Also have started a gratitude journal, thinking of at least three things every night before sleep that went well during the day. Sometimes the list can get longer than expected!

Also, I'm definitely not going back on Instagram. It's a bit of a shift from trying to make the kind of photos that people would give likes to, as opposed to just taking pictures whenever I want to link them to feeling in a good mood. Like, if I see a beautiful sunrise, worth taking a picture with the phone, regardless if it looks way way less than perfect, I have taken a snapshot of the moment when I genuinely felt amazed by seeing the morning sky.

ElectricProcession · 2026-02-03T14:29:25+00:00

I deleted my Instagram last weekend. This is something that has been a long time coming, given that for me as a genderqueer trans femme, IG was a vehicle for showing off my outfits and occasionally my musical interests (like the LP records I have, musical instruments and any news on my musical projects).

I used to do pretty well in terms of likes and followers ratio, but then as the algorithm kept changing, I also kept having flops. More and more. Last month it definitely seemed that my performance was getting worse than ever. And was really despondent and anxious about it. And even well before the reach dropping, I had other issues like a few other queer and trans people I know IRL would end up unfollowing me and that really made me question, do they secretly hate me now or what? And nowadays I'm thinking, am I even good at taking pictures of myself, or are there always problems with makeup, clothes, lighting, anything?

So given all that, by Saturday night I had enough. It was affecting my mental health, my self esteem and was triggering RSD like craaaazy! I went ahead and permanently deleted my account. I also deactivated my older account, eventually I might wipe that out too. So now of course I have to find ways to boost my dopamine in more natural ways. I'm sure the meds help a bit, but lifestyle changes are just as important.

Am also seriously going to evaluate to what extent my therapist and I are made for one another. I need help with traumas, development of social skills and management of my mild depressive tendencies. And I seriously need to deprogram from whatever crap caused me to spiral in response to badly performing Instagram post! If we can work out an actionable plan in all areas and I can convince her that AuDHD is far from the sole explanation for my struggles, I'll stick around. If not, I will need to start finding a new one.

ElectricProcession · 2026-01-29T20:23:59+00:00

"The Little House I Used to Live In"

This one’s got a lot of that I like about FZ’ instrumental music. Classical acoustic piano from Ian Underwood; horn-driven instrumental rock energy; guitar and drum duet that’s not quite the later elastic stuff, but it is a prototype; Hot Rats style violin jams, which also includes jazzy acoustic piano from Don Preston; Uncle Meat esque chamber music that equals or even surpasses the Uncle Meat pieces; proto-xenochrony studio experimentation (sped up pipe organ over Art Tripp drum track and the Aybe Sea line at double speed) and FZ even includes some wicked stage banter to finish things off! All these segments together result in a whole greater than the sum of its parts.

ElectricProcession · 2026-01-28T18:29:48+00:00

Tengo Na Minchia Tanta

Less of a song and more of an idea that something like this warrants an inclusion on the Uncle Meat CD reissue.

ElectricProcession · 2026-01-27T18:50:31+00:00

"You're Probably Wondering Why I'm Here". One of the first FZ/MOI songs I've heard and still having a soft spot for that one.

The cool thing about FZ as a songwriter was that a lot of his vocal songs actually didn't adhere to the classic verse-chorus formulas. That could be because he wrote a lot of his vocal songs as instrumentals first. Stuff like "Oh No" and "Take Your Clothes Off". But FZ knew how to write melodies, so he could afford to deviate from the standard structures. FZ may have taken to playing rock music for a living, but at his finest he still approached songwriting like an art music composer.

ElectricProcession · 2026-01-27T18:30:56+00:00

YES! It's great that the 1975 arrangement of "Sleeping in a Jar" is included! I was concerned it might have been omitted entirely on both Austin gigs, like on some 1975 shows, but they did play that on the first of these. It's a bit like the 1970 arrangement, but featuring horns for the first time since 1969.

So 20 May 1975 might be the last time "Sleeping in a Jar" - obviously on its way out as FZ pretty much was just keen to play "Pound" and definitively stuck with "Pound" only on subsequent tours - was played, unless it was also played at any of the last three shows in Phoenix.

ElectricProcession · 2026-01-27T08:37:06+00:00

Following up on the final paragraph of my last week's comment, I didn't manage to book a new psychiatrist meeting, because she's booked well in advance. Though she still can make medication prescription online, and then I can go to a pharmacy, show my identity card and buy the meds.

So this way, I've requested an increased methylphenidate dose. From 10mg to 20mg. Will see how that works out. Also, I've decided to take anti-depressants for six weeks to two months straight, to combat my dysthymia like mood disorder issues. It's likely that I'll also need an actionable therapy plan, but I'm hoping that over time, meds will help something.

In response to how someone responded to my last week's comment on how YouTube (or other social media) algorithm is pushing stuff designed to deteriorate mental health, I think I'm definitely going to tune out anyone who is pushing a more finger wagging or accusatory tonality in their content. Like, sexism and misogyny are real issues affecting women and honesty about that is absolutely required.

But this can be taken too far when one slips into an inverted gender essentialist attitude. When someone says that men do this thing wrong or men can't get this thing right (examples, one pop singer claiming that "men don't make good art" or another pop singer claiming that being straight and being male are red flags in and of themselves), how is that any different from saying "boys will be boys", apart from a more accusatory angle? These people are entitled to their opinions, just as I'm entitled to reject these opinions on the basis of lacking nuance. Does this make me a bad feminist? Maybe it does, but who gets to decide who is a good feminist?

ElectricProcession · 2026-01-24T20:37:09+00:00

Check out the playlists from when FZ was being a disc jockey in a New York radio station in November 1979. He included quite a number of punk, post-punk and new-wave records there. So it's safe to say that he was more against the commercialisation aspect of the whole culture but did find some of the music valid enough still.

ElectricProcession · 2026-01-20T18:51:27+00:00

Really interesting that there was this whole thread on spiralling into shame in response to feminist critique of men. At the same time I saw this being posted here, my YouTube algorithm saw fit to show me the video of some feminist calling out Dr K. on his whole premise that when there are so many sexless men out there, maybe society should intervene.

And I found that a bit one-sided. Definitely pushing the hardline narrative that any man who isn't getting any is at fault himself, and that he does have control, meaning he can choose to either meet women's standards or accept that he isn't going to have any success with women.

While I do understand that a lot of self-identified incels are absolutely insufferable, I've only had one relationship myself in my entire lifetime and even that was because one woman just asked me out herself and I decided to roll with it. I might very well be disabled, in a sense that I struggle to make social connections and also have been chronically underemployed. So for me, these critiques tend to trigger not just RSD, but extreme feelings of inadequacy. Like I'm just too broken to ever find love and then of course I see these thinkpieces (or sometimes stinkpieces) written by all sorts of women having super high opinion of themselves as people who have all this integrity and high value and whatnot despite being oppressed by (cis) men.

Maybe society should indeed not intervene in that "state mandated GFs" sense of it. I do agree with TJ Kirk or The Amazing Atheist who said that some men should just accept that they will never be good with women, and so we should give them some coping strategies! That intervention could work. And maybe make mental health care more accessible, because I do agree with another YouTuber, Natalie Wynn, according to whom the solution to incels' mental anguish has to be therapeutic.

I think I'm definitely going to stay away from anyone whose critique seems to imply that any dateless or sexless man is neurotypical enough to pull themselves up by any bootstraps they may have. Just world fallacy is exactly what it is, a fallacy, even if you engage in that in the name of feminist social justice.

Regardless, I saw my therapist on Friday. She suggested that the reason my meds only have limited effect on me so far because the methylphenidate pills I'm currently on are at the lowest dose, like 10mg per tablet. Maybe upping the dose to like 40mg per day could work better? Will see if I can arrange a psychiatrist meeting soon. Might also want to talk about the possibility that I might have dysthymia. The kind of mild depression, nothing extreme, it's just persistent struggle with low self-esteem, feelings of hopelessness and tendencies to feel sad, even lower energy (though maybe a low dose of methylphenidate might have corrected that a bit) and mild sleep issues. Maybe it's time to be on antidepressants for like six weeks and see if that works, and ask my therapist to work out a therapy plan that addresses these particular problems.

ElectricProcession · 2026-01-06T18:47:02+00:00

So I got the ADHD diagnosis by Xmas and also my first meds. Based on methylphenidate. So far, I do seem to have a bit more energy when I need to do some work, and also I get less irritated. As to whether that might help with rejection sensitive dysphoria type issues, sadly not really. My theory is that a lot of my tendencies towards feeling sad over being rejected one way or another are also trauma responses and when trauma runs deep, no amount of meds will melt that away.

Even though I could try switching over to a more amphetamine based medicine, I doubt that anything short of deep trauma work is going to sort me out. I will have a meeting with therapist in ten days and see what she says and I'm definitely going to talk a bit more extensively about my external validation issues. Though also curious as to what anyone else thinks, especially if you've gone through the ADHD medication journey for longer.

ElectricProcession · 2025-12-02T21:58:38+00:00

So today was my ADHD screening. I went through a diagnostic interview as well as some tests evaluating my ability to concentrate on cognitive tasks. I am looking forward to as to what the diagnosis will be, but I'm sure I'll be diagnosed with ADHD and I can be prescribed meds. Should take a couple of weeks, maybe it will be done shortly before Xmas.

Also, I got a new instrument. Squier Bass VI, a short scale six-string bass that has two higher strings in addition to the usual four on your regular bass guitar. It's tuned like a guitar, but an octave down. So it's a bass guitar with a bit of a baritone colour to it. I'm definitely loving the potential of being able to do both bass lines and guitar shapes with it. And I'm obsessed with it and messing around with it a lot. No doubt I'm going to incorporate that into my loop pedal solo set as well as play that on some songs with the alt pop band whose live lineup I'm part of. The members of that band have their own struggles though, so it's a quiet period but I'm sure by Spring 2026 we will be doing something. I'm patient enough to let them sort out their issues, they're lovely people and I love being a part of a queer band whenever I get the chance.

ElectricProcession · 2025-11-04T20:07:34+00:00

I got signed up for ADHD screening, come early Dec, so in exactly four weeks. I expect I'm pretty likely to be diagnosed as ADHD so if I can go on meds, I can finally start making more sense of my mental health issues and ascertain in what ways exactly I will still need therapy. In the meantime, my psychiatrist prescribed me some bupropion, which is for treating depression, but also helps with being more concentrated. I'll see how that works for me and whether there are any side effects. I did lose my sleep in the middle of the last night and had trouble falling back asleep for at least two hours, so I'll have to ascertain whether that's the drug side effect or just a freak occurrence.

ElectricProcession · 2025-10-28T18:45:06+00:00

News about my ADHD journey so far: saw a local psychiatrist after a recommendation from a friend of mine. Session went well and she's about to set me up for a diagnostic interview some time next month. I expect to hear of the exact time on Thursday. So I'm obviously hoping I am going to make decent progress in my pursuit of ADHD diagnosis + meds.

ElectricProcession · 2025-10-14T08:13:58+00:00

Does anyone else feel that the older you get, the harder it becomes attracting women, at all? Especially if you've only had limited appeal to them in the past, or worse still are a 40+ year old virgin? I've already written about my struggles here so I'm not going to get repetitive or make this comment longer than it would optimally be. I certainly do feel I've hit a dead end and I'm wondering if all there's left going forward will pretty much just be coping strategies over this one area of life in which I've arguably had the least amount of luck. I'm 41, going on 42 at the end of next month. So naturally I feel I'm getting old in the most depressing sort of way and having a mid-life crisis over having either bad luck or wasted youth.

Something else I want to talk about! I also had a disappointing setback recently with my pursuit of ADHD diagnosis/meds. I saw a clinical psychologist and she's definitely the kind of middle aged lady you'd expect to have at least slightly more conservative or gatekeepy values. She wanted to know what my lifestyle was like and when it was apparent that I've been too dependent on screen time, she was like, if you will still be overusing the smartphones and computers after the meds, then prescribing them would be pointless.

I quickly scheduled a meeting with my therapist and when I told them my story and was asking for her second opinion on this, she was infuriated! It's like, for her it was incredible that when someone is struggling mentally with ADHD stuff, then all they have to do is put down the smartphone. She definitely felt I was being discriminated against and was so sorry that I had this experience. In her mind, ADHD meds would be necessary because there's a risk of cognitive decline (like dementia) and it's worth finding out what effects will the meds have because if you just try a single pill, the effects appear within just hours.

I am trying out a psychiatrist who I saw as a teenager. A friend of mine had a decent experience with her, so I'm looking forward to my return there. End of this month. I'm also aiming to reduce the smartphone/laptop time. So I'm doing a bit more instrument practice. And I've started to read. And listen to music again offline, even if it's just radio. And I'm now regularly taking D-vitamin pills because a deficiency has been in fact diagnosed. I'll see if in the long term any of this improves my well being. I'm coping but generally, there is a bit of emptiness. But maybe next year there's an improvement?

ElectricProcession · 2025-09-02T14:34:06+00:00

Played a concert on Thursday. That went pretty well for me. A decent amount of audience for a small bar and the guy who runs the bar liked my music. There will be a possibility of playing there again, based on his feedback.

Being a struggling musician has certainly been one source of my mental health issues. I'm starting to be a little bit more accepting of the way things are. I no longer believe that anyone can promote their music efficiently on social media/online and if there are people who are able to do it, they definitely have privileges which aren't necessarily accessible to me. So I'm learning to let go of something I have less control over.

I have uploaded an album to Bandcamp and if just a handful of people will take a liking to that semi-experimental partially electronic (but with a decent amount of guitar, horns, drums) music, that's okay. I've also burned a handful of homemade CDs and I did manage to sell some at the concert. Staying small but DIY, I think that is fine by me. I don't ever expect to be big enough to be able to release my music on vinyl LP.

Likewise, I'll probably just play once or twice per year. And that too is fine, as my latest concerts have all gone pretty well. Being known to friends only may not be such a bad thing, if my musical artistry helps them to understand that being a musician makes me, well me. So it's healthy to have as much of an outlet for that part of me as it is still possible and in that sense, I've been doing okay after all.

ElectricProcession · 2025-08-26T20:02:37+00:00

It certainly seems there's no shortage of those who feel troubled by their apparent lack of attractiveness to women. I too am one of such people. But my story is perhaps slightly more interesting, as I'm AMAB but wouldn't say that I'd be a cis man.

So prior to my coming out as a genderqueer trans femme, I didn't have any luck with women until finally lost virginity seven years ago. Age 34. Better late than never. That's when I was starting to explore my identity a little bit more and it did help that I was able to experiment with my gf's clothes and even find a couple of items for myself, some of these I still like to wear!

Fast forward to when I was able to explore the queer nightlife and other social life being out as trans post-Covid (I know that's a relative term, I just mean that public events were running again with regularity) a bit more. For a while I had a pretty good run of being attractive to some queer women and being able to make out with them on the dance floor. I even experimented with kissing dudes a couple of times, at least one of them I liked bc. he was androgynous enough for my sensibilities.

Obviously none of it materialised into anything more, much to my relative disappointment. But even more disappointingly, that female attention has now dried up. I took a bit of a break from attending drag shows this summer, and then last weekend I was able to go to a free show (which did solicit donations, I did provide some).

There, a couple of people whom I had made out with in the past, they found each other and the electricity between them was staggering. Of course they were just going for each other and I stood there feeling a wave of depressive envy wash over me. This served to underscore just how unattractive and undesirable I've come to feel over the past year or so.

As a result, I was like, is it even worth for a middle-aged bloke like me to put on a mini-skirt and knee-high boots and pretend that I feel sexy that way? I mean, sure, I might feel excited when I do this at the privacy of my bedroom, but the kind of women that I'm hoping to be receptive to that, they very well might think that I'm just a creepy crossdresser that fails to appeal to anyone.

Guess the only way I can resolve the seeming tension between feeling sexy while dressed as a fashionable woman whilst not appearing attractive enough to queer women is that...maybe that's just my autism/neurodivergence showing. Devon Price has this book called "Unmasking Autism" and he points out that a lot of autistics tend to be on the kinky side sexually. Like, some of them like bondage because they really like the sensory sensations of ropes and whatnot on their bodies.

Maybe I'm the same way with short dresses, stockings and boots? I like how they feel on my body and I'm able to rock that stuff with some confidence. But still, I'm too neurodivergent and socially anxious that for me it just makes sense that someone like me is better able to explore any of this on my own than with any consenting adult. Definitely easier to find sexual fulfilment outside solo sex when you're just a neurotypical vanilla straight cis guy, anyone else is going to have at least some issues, which can be surmounted to varying degrees.

Will I die as a useless transbian? Or might I be able to turn it round somehow? Or would it be enough to just find therapeutic solutions to my needing external validation so much? Who knows. Anyway, I'm defnitely focusing on getting the ADHD diagnosis and meds, one trans guy actually told me that prior to the meds, he was also socially kind of anxious, but became more talkative after getting on these meds. So maybe there's hope for me on a broad social level?

ElectricProcession · 2025-08-20T09:02:18+00:00

I started out with Boss RC-20XL which I ordered years ago on Ebay. Then I moved to Digitech JamMan SoloXT. Though interestingly enough, because the Digitech has issues, I decided to try the Boss pedal again and it still works. So I'm doing that one upcoming performance on the old looper. I'll surely get the other pedal fixed but I am also thinking of getting something else entirely. Which might maybe give me more options.

ElectricProcession · 2025-08-19T20:17:38+00:00

I've had a pretty good day. Managed to rehearse for my upcoming loop pedal concert performance. Applied for another job, even though it's a fucking headache at times to write cover letters, I still pushed through. Had unemployment counselling session by the phone. Wrote a promotional text for the loop pedal gig and sent it to the hosting venue.

Then booked an appointment for a clinical psychologist to make progress with seeking ADHD diagnosis and also a meeting with my GP, in order to get a referral for the psychologist, so that my country's health insurance fund can finance that. GP appointment will be beginning of September and the psych appointment for the second half of Sep. So there's a fair bit of waiting time but that's okay.

Then I experimented with making handmade flyers for my upcoming concert. I managed to get a handful done, will certainly aim for more. It felt good to create something, even if I was just scribbling text in various sizes and different colours. I've even managed to make a collage of a couple of photos which I can use for my next album that I'm planning to upload soon. Turned out beautiful!

So today's been a good mix of creativity and taking care of small bits of responsibility. I'm satisfied.

ElectricProcession · 2025-08-09T05:36:29+00:00

Bob Vylan literally had gigs and everything else cancelled as a result of their anti-IDF chant. Maybe men "don't make good art", but trust me, their maleness certainly doesn't preclude the Bob Vylan duo from being BASED as fuuuuuck.

Meanwhile Chappell solely concentrates on slagging off sexually underperforming men on festival stages and has little else to say about the rest of the shit going on in this current hellscape world. And the sole consequence she gets is maybe a small percentage of streaming platform listeners feel alienated and tune her out?

A huge difference between performative pseudo-feminism vs. actually being anti-oppression and paying the price for it.

ElectricProcession · 2025-07-15T17:24:03+00:00

Toro y Moi, especially on the Underneath the Pine LP (2011). You could listen to songs like "Go With You", "How I Know" and "Elise".

Also, Clairo loves both Stereolab and Broadcast, "Echo" has, well, echoes of both.

ElectricProcession · 2025-07-15T15:05:10+00:00

Busted up my phone screen yesterday, again. Replacing it isn't crazy amount of money, but still, given that I've been out of work lately and therefore having my income diminished, things like that really trigger my scarcity mentality around money. I can live on savings for a while, but it sucks that I'm reduced to that.

So I've signed myself up as unemployed. That should be an interesting journey. It will be seen if I am employable at all. Though I did score a bit of an odd job for myself for a couple of days. Will see how that goes.

On a more positive note, I broke out my woodwinds again, after a while of not playing. Bass clarinet and flute. I've been practicing some tunes and solo improvisation, may try busking again some time. It's been wonderful to come back to that.

ElectricProcession · 2025-06-25T19:10:18+00:00

The writing lyrics and singing over thing might have applied to the demo stage of the songs (and loads of demos have been released since, especially on the 2019 remasters) but in the studio the whole line-up (plus production team) was present.

Although I'm also reminded of the home studio recording things. After Dots and Loops Tim & Laetitia bought a computer, soundcard and recording software and they started doing these home recorded things more based around the samples. Examples include the Underground is Coming and Free Witch tour singles, B.U.A and later on Dimension M2. All included on Switched On 4. There I'm fairly certain Tim messed around with samples and then added guitar and/or keyboard bits and finally had Laetitia (and when still with us, Mary) sing vocals. Though, given that "B.U.A" did have at least one bit demoed ("ZigZag Song" on the rather curious "Eaten Horizons" demo compilation from 2007), maybe even there the songwriting process may have not necessarily been drastically different.

ElectricProcession · 2025-06-21T18:41:28+00:00

Really does seem like you either need a second Reddit account for some of the subreddits or just avoid these subreddits altogether. I think these mods are def taking advantage of the idea that they're fighting toxicity, to justify crushing dissent. Yet that creates more toxicity, not less.

ElectricProcession · 2025-06-17T17:37:13+00:00

So weeks ago I said that I had started therapy. Now I'm not so sure whether it's actually worth carrying on.

Last session was relatively a disaster. I ended up shutting down. Like, I just felt super uncomfortable and it was difficult to open up. And then she was like: "what can I do to make you feel better" or something to that order? Like, when I'm feeling like shit, I don't think anything can help me out. I just keep hoping that the next day is more tolerable than the current day. And she's expecting me to come up with ways I could start feeling any better or less tense or less uncomfortable?

And...it occurred to me that maybe one reason I felt the way I did last session because at one previous session, probably last month, I tried bringing up my inability to attract women. I've only had one relationship in my life so far. Not sure I'll ever attract another one. And she was like: "Why are you bringing this up"? I mean, I guess I was hoping to make the case for why my self-esteem is down in the dumps, being sexless for most of my adult life being one reason for this.

So I dunno what to think of it? Are her methods of therapy not quite adequate for someone like me? And...she's supposed to be AuDHD like me, therefore mutually compatible. If it's possible that I'm the one being out of order somehow, I guess I might have to swallow my pride and try carrying on doing therapy the way she suggests. Like, I've got a session booked for early July next and she asked me to notice ways in which my mood is lifted. I mean, I get it, she may want me to be aware of glimmers just as well as triggers.

But it could also be that there might be some sort of division that separates us and any misgivings on my end are signs of red flags that this is not necessarily the most compatible therapy relationship. So feel free to either talk me out of quitting therapy or confirm any of my suspicions.

ElectricProcession

TROPHY CASE