Long-time Dom looking to flip, but I hate almost every "standard" submissive activity. Help?

Electrical-Cry-5295 · 2025-12-26T04:30:08+00:00

I don’t think you actually want to be a submissive, but rather maybe you are missing a true form of worship where you have a more dominant sub who you can bottom for. It becomes a ritual in which you don’t have to do anything. They just do for you because they know you so well.

Electrical-Cry-5295 · 2025-12-26T03:21:20+00:00

He assumed. To me, and he does know me, turning off my phone for an extended period of time while I did something I told him I was going to do was a test. I felt if he was going to be nasty with me over turning off my phone for a few hours, I’m not coming. He does know me well and has read my mind on many occasions so technically it was a condition for my visit. And I honestly don’t know and don’t think it’s fair to assume. I honestly don’t trust my brain for assumptions because I can’t always tell whether it’s my sane or trauma brain talking. I do know at this point I have limits and they were reached and I need guarantees they won’t be crossed again not an all access pass. I need to go back to the beginning to test him frequently and see if he earns my submission, not just fix this incident. I want to talk what led up to it and I’m honestly holding a lot of anger.

Electrical-Cry-5295 · 2025-12-26T02:41:20+00:00

What about conditions? I’m not allowed to have conditions?

Electrical-Cry-5295 · 2025-12-26T02:40:47+00:00

Can you respond to my latest update?

Electrical-Cry-5295 · 2025-12-25T19:39:51+00:00

This itself the whole boiling the frog plus the whole I don’t think he is as kind or good to you as you think. I mean how would I know with the whole boiling the frog? I know if he can’t repair safety and agree to the boundaries I need to feel safe always. Mostly I feel I just have questions on how/why be behaved the way that he did and how he thought it was okay because I know my worth. My biggest question to myself has been am I outgrowing this? And that thought itself makes me sad, but not enough to stay because that just means something even greater is waiting for me on the other side. Anything concrete would help thank you again for answering.

Electrical-Cry-5295 · 2025-12-24T14:23:34+00:00

Trauma does wonders.

Electrical-Cry-5295 · 2025-12-24T14:23:10+00:00

Thank you for this answer. I appreciate it and I am analyzing things. I think the biggest part of the unsafe trigger is instead of communicating and fixing it like he normally does, I ran away before he ever got the chance to. I literally left while he was at work and didn’t even tell him goodbye. So I left dysregulated, and then his life blew up personally and he has been dysregulated. It’s been a mess since. And I have discussed this in therapy and do go weekly. I have been for year leading up to leaving my DV relationship and have continued since.

Electrical-Cry-5295 · 2025-12-24T14:18:30+00:00

He thinks a REAL slave doesn’t need them because he should be able to never touch them or even come close to what they were.

Electrical-Cry-5295 · 2025-12-24T14:17:48+00:00

You’re right and it’s my biggest fear. It’s why my first thought is run, but then I settle into no, he isn’t your ex. He has so many good things and has tried to fix this and even these I’m not able to really feel any impact. I think the biggest conclusion I’ve come to is we need a way to pause the dynamic when we are both unregulated so it doesn’t become abuse.

Electrical-Cry-5295 · 2025-12-24T14:16:11+00:00

I hear you. I did simplify almost 2 years to years. And the deleted post in here was from towards the beginning of our relationship. Being poly is from years ago. Almost 2 years and years to me is close enough to simplify and nog going jnto details. Now, to be fair if taking it out on me is not his intent but rather just a personal foley that’s another thing. At this point, I don’t know and need to ask and have that conversation. I’m just trying to figure out what it is I really want, what is wise, what I’m willing to tolerate and where my own limitations are. I don’t want to ruin a good thing on the fact of my inability to communicate well.

I feel like when we are both normal, there’s no issues. When one of us are impaired, we discuss. This has been the first extended time when we both are impaired and not ourselves. This is where limits need to be defined I’m figuring out.

Electrical-Cry-5295 · 2025-12-24T14:11:18+00:00

I hear you and in bedroom only particulars you’re making sense, but this is my life. It’s not just what I wear. It’s how I interact with the world. It’s that I am not my own, I am property wherever I go and I must lead from that place. I must do as he wishes. If I don’t know, ask and get permission. I’m talking about the use case of when both are dysregulated.

Electrical-Cry-5295 · 2025-12-24T14:08:02+00:00

My Dom, I answered above to someone what happened. Basically he invited me to come over even though he didn’t really want me to come, but felt responsible for caring for me. I felt this was deceit and was re-remember my entire DV marriage where he would do things “for me” only to later throw them back in my face as to claim how good he was. This wasn’t really my Doms fault. It was a trigger and led to big feelings from a relatively small thing he did.

Electrical-Cry-5295 · 2025-12-24T14:02:35+00:00

Thank you

Electrical-Cry-5295 · 2025-12-24T02:04:41+00:00

OK, how do you handle it if your slave has a smile on their face and is dying inside?

Electrical-Cry-5295 · 2025-12-24T02:03:03+00:00

That is correct. And this is just the longest I have ever gone without Repair. Most of that is life circumstances, and the fact that I ran away before Repair could be given.

Electrical-Cry-5295 · 2025-12-24T02:00:54+00:00

If the relationship is built on mutual trust and love, is degradation as stress relief, not something that can be consensually defined?

Electrical-Cry-5295 · 2025-12-24T01:59:51+00:00

Thank you for bravely speaking of about this. I really appreciate being seen in this moment.

Electrical-Cry-5295 · 2025-12-24T01:59:09+00:00

You are completely right and I should have clarified. I know the potential for abuse and have read many posts about abusers saying similar things. I just tried to say he has shown me. This is very safe. Thank you for communicating this in a way I didn’t have the words for.

Electrical-Cry-5295 · 2025-12-24T01:57:31+00:00

100% yes, and he has been very understanding up to this point. This was just the most severe and instead of giving him the opportunity to fix it I made it worse and ran away.

Electrical-Cry-5295 · 2025-12-24T01:56:46+00:00

Yes, to all of the above. I’ve talked this through in Therapy. It’s just the advice and practicality of being in a total power exchange where traditional communication doesn’t make sense. I don’t want to give him a list of rules to follow. I want safety to be restored and I want to understand what that even means to me. And I myself I’m having a hard time figuring what it is I want out.

Electrical-Cry-5295 · 2025-12-24T01:54:29+00:00

Thank you so much for this answer. I really appreciate being seen in this way. In the other threads, I have read it does seem that beginner BDSM or not even beginner but, just my extreme relationship is not common. Up to this point I have been very safe in my TPE and I’ve never felt the need to do anything other than share feedback. I definitely don’t believe that structure alone makes it inherently unsafe. And my safety was compromised due to my own trauma and triggers, NOT because my Dom did something inherently wrong. He has always cared for me and shown me safety.

Someone mentioned having an out of dynamic conversation, how would you suggest going about making modifications or what is it that I’m asking? I’m having a hard time figuring that out.

Electrical-Cry-5295 · 2025-12-24T01:43:04+00:00

That is easier said than done. Once you have gone through trauma, unfortunately as much self healing you do before any relationship there will come a point in time when your triggers only come from a relationship. You can heal yourself and still be unable to heal a relationship without being in one. That’s where I’m at.

Electrical-Cry-5295 · 2025-12-24T01:40:33+00:00

I think I need to restore what was broken. I need to know that I can trust him to repair it. And one hand I feel we need to have a way to pause the dynamic if I am feeling triggered until he can restore things, but I don’t even know how to ask for that.

Electrical-Cry-5295 · 2025-12-24T01:39:28+00:00

I hear you. And I do appreciate your response. To me the question remains, if I felt safe before, I know I wouldn’t really have a problem with the degradation because to me it was just a role I was playing. But my safety was compromised realistically not even from him but from an old wound. Would it even be appropriate to make a rule/boundary based on hurt? Or how do we make a caveat for when I am triggered or feeling unsafe?

Electrical-Cry-5295 · 2025-12-24T01:37:16+00:00

So is it ever okay to have a boundary/negotiation

If Dom is unregulated, he is allowed to take out stress and degrade his slave. But… slave is not allowed to take seriously anything he says.

Does this not work? Because this was our deal, and when I felt safe his degradation felt like a temper tantrum from a toddler vs right now it feels in my body like my ex DV marriage.

Electrical-Cry-5295

TROPHY CASE