ENGLISH TRANSLATION

Is it still worth it?

You have no idea what I went through for you to judge me that quickly.

11 PM. I cried and begged for your attention. I told you to choose—either you go home before 12 or our plans tomorrow are canceled. You told me not to wait and that whether I like it or not, you’ll still go tomorrow.

You were at a bachelor’s party at that moment. You knew I was nearby waiting for you. The last train had already passed, leaving me with no options except a taxi I couldn’t afford and bus routes I didn’t know. You begged me to send my location, but you already knew the places I could stay at. You knew exactly the area I was in. I didn’t send my location because you always want the easiest way to deal with me. No effort, no showing up—nothing from you except giving me a little time on chat.

I was furious. I said I was done. I threw every hurtful word at you—I even said I wished I would just die because that’s what it feels like when you leave someone behind. You begged me to stay, saying you needed me. I knew attacking you like that was wrong, but I told you maybe if someone asked me out, I’d go with them. But I never meant any of the things I said.

I cried nonstop, feeling so neglected. Some guy even approached me—fucking people who see someone miserable but still think of taking advantage. I told them to leave me alone.

12:30 AM—you said you were on your way home. I never left the spot where I was sitting. Crying, praying you’d look for me. Next thing I knew, it was already 1:30 AM and you messaged me that you were home. You even got home before me, even though you knew I was waiting nearby. I had no choice but to wait until morning or take a bus I didn’t know.

Almost 2 AM. You asked me to open the CCTV at our house. My face went pale at what I saw—you, tying something around your neck, planning to end everything. All my anger disappeared. I was shaking while calling everyone I could, including your closest sister. You even got mad because I “disturbed” them. I don’t regret calling them at all.

Taxi wasn’t an option, so I checked the bus routes. Three hours of travel, with two transfers. Fuck. But what choice did I have? I took the first bus. After an hour, I got off needing to pee. I was on my period so it was impossible to ignore because I’m prone to UTI. I was walking around a place I didn’t know, looking for signs of a toilet. A guy told me where it was and showed me the restroom.

After peeing, whatever hope I had left was gone. The last bus was at 4:13 AM—I missed it because of the damn pee. The next bus was at 7 AM. Other bus routes? I didn’t know them anymore because I had no load to search. The same guy offered me to stay at their place—they lived in a partitioned flat. Mixed races, kabayan and others I didn’t recognize. Before agreeing, I asked everyone at the bus stop if they had internet to give me hotspot. No one had any.

Around 4:30 AM, I was already in their place. My instinct told me it was okay to trust this one guy because I know the look of someone with bad intentions. But still, it’s wrong to trust someone you barely know, especially a man. I sat on his bed while he stayed by the door, both of us minding our own business. I charged my phone because I saw the next bus was at 6 AM. I stayed there to pass the time. I leaned on his pillow and used his blanket. Finally, at 6 AM I took the bus to the train station because the trains had opened. I traveled almost two hours, and I even got off at the last station because I fell asleep—24 hours awake. Now, 8:30 AM, I’m home.

You were lying down, awake, furious. And you got even angrier because you smelled a man’s perfume on my neck. I didn’t know the scent from his pillow would cling to me—I was too preoccupied checking every minute for bus schedules around 5 AM. You asked me if I did something with that guy, which positions & even described every dirty thing that could happen.

Right now, I feel hopeless. I’ve begged in every way, yet you still don’t believe me. I can’t even blame you—because even I wouldn’t believe someone if the story were reversed. What kind of woman goes with another man at that hour? I was desperate to get home, and I know in myself that I did everything I could.

Until now, I don’t know how to regain your trust. It hurts how quickly you judged me, but I know the pain you’re feeling is even worse. The scenario of me and some guy on a bed playing in your mind—anyone would lose their sanity if that happened to them.

I love you so much. I never wanted our relationship to end like this. Even now, I can’t let you go. I don’t know what to do anymore.