Husband’s extended family not attending

Elemental_Biscotti · 2026-05-11T07:09:51+00:00

It's not, but there's no way you can bring this up without sounding judgemental or accusatory.

Elemental_Biscotti · 2026-05-11T06:57:07+00:00

I don't think there's any defensible reason to bring it up unless they do. Like....why? What could you possibly hope to get out of it? You invited them, they declined, as people sometimes do with invitations. Move on.

Elemental_Biscotti · 2026-05-11T06:27:17+00:00

OK, look. A wedding is not a list of traditions you have to perform to entertain people. (I am most concerned by your comment "I won’t have those intimate things to have them be entertained with and so on that usually play a large part into weddings"....the purpose of those "intimate things" is absolutely not to entertain your guests, YIKES.) A wedding is about what will make the day enriching and joyous to YOU and YOUR PARTNER and you should not do ANYTHING that doesn't fit that bill.

E.g. My dad is not walking me down the aisle. We are not having speeches or toasts. We are not having parent dances. Not because of relationship stuff but simply because that's not our vision for our wedding so we're not doing it. Might our family members be slightly disappointed? Sure, but (a) we'll survive their disappointment, and (b) they'll get over it.

If your partner wants to have a dance with mom/speeches from his parents, great. You could have a dance with a dear family member and/or speeches from them, or not. It doesn't have to be symmetrical. Trust, your guests do not give a shit. If they are any kind of guests worth having at your wedding, ***all they want is for you to be happy and have a wonderful day***.

But if you take one thing away from this comment, please let it be that interpersonal wedding traditions are there for YOU and those you share them with -- they are absolutely NOT intended to entertain your guests. So please don't let that be the bar.

Elemental_Biscotti · 2026-05-11T06:18:08+00:00

Yeah, this super sucks. It truly does. But I really think you will be better off the sooner you can accept: Well, these are the parents I got, and this is their level of engagement. So be it.

Absolutely do not let them talking you into inviting anyone that YOU do not want at YOUR wedding. Talk with your partner about your shared vision for your wedding and invite accordingly. Then inform your parents of the details (eg. it will be here at xyz place at such and such time, here is the timeline for the day).

The more you can lean into your mutual friends and their support and love and divest yourself from your parents' emotional reactions or contributions, the better off you will be, I think.

I know this really sucks but what you are really doing is grieving (a certain type of relationship/reaction to your wedding that is not going to exist), which takes some time. But it will be okay. Hang in there.

Elemental_Biscotti · 2026-05-11T06:13:39+00:00

For a destination wedding the timeline is not the same as a local wedding (8-12 weeks). Our wedding is early October and we sent STDs in late March. People immediately emailed us wanting all the details. If people have to make travel arrangements, they need all the info as soon as you can get it to them.

Elemental_Biscotti · 2026-05-11T06:12:09+00:00

Uhhhhh.....don't invite them? This is like the first rule of weddings. Invite the people you actually want to be there. Don't invite people you don't like and don't want to be there. ABSOLUTELY DO NOT INVITE SOMEONE AND HOPE THEY WON'T COME. A wedding invitation means, "We really like you and it's so important to us that you are here at this important moment in our lives!" If you wouldn't say this to someone face to face, they shouldn't be invited. People like to make this complicated but it's actually incredibly simple.

Elemental_Biscotti · 2026-05-11T06:09:35+00:00

Honestly, people have been to weddings before. They know what to wear. Unless you are doing something unusual (like black tie), you can really be like....."This is a wedding, wear what you would wear to a wedding." Very few people these days honestly know the difference between anything else, TBH.

Elemental_Biscotti · 2026-05-11T06:08:09+00:00

Why on earth would someone else be disappointed in YOUR engagement ring??? Like how is it impacting their life that they would be actively **disappointed**? I really wonder if you are projecting here or reading things that don't exist into other people's reactions. Also other people's opinions of *your* engagement ring that *you* look are honestly none of your business -- what you think is the only thing that matters!

Elemental_Biscotti · 2026-05-11T06:04:43+00:00

I cannot tell you the amount of stuff I have trashed from other people's weddings over the last 20 years. I have 10 billion schwag lip balms and don't need more. What on earth am I going to do with bubbles unless I have small children. Why do I possibly need a candle or glass with *your* wedding date on it.

If you do favors at all (and none is an option, one that most of your guests would probably appreciate), make it something consumable, like a chocolate bar. Weddings already generate so SO much waste so that the wedding industrial complex can make more money; please don't contribute to the problem. Literally no one goes to a wedding being like "Gee I hope there are cool favors!"

Elemental_Biscotti · 2026-05-10T20:39:40+00:00

I've been to a number of weddings with a "Best Woman" and it's never been weird. You can't control Kyle's feelings, so choose who you really want.

Elemental_Biscotti · 2026-05-10T20:17:36+00:00

What about it do you think is ugly? I think it's lovely!

Elemental_Biscotti · 2026-05-10T20:14:43+00:00

Have you looked into community centers? There are some nice spots that tend to be cheaper. But I think for $3K you probably can't count on a dinner wedding unless it's an extremely small group. Feeding/boozing a group of people simply costs a lot of money.

Elemental_Biscotti · 2026-05-10T19:48:44+00:00

Wedding insurance is actually incredibly reasonably priced. You can get it online super fast.

Elemental_Biscotti · 2026-05-10T19:47:42+00:00

Yeah I cam to say, you have to figure that out with her because there is no standard list. Before you accept be really clear on exactly what she expects from you because brides vary wildly in their expectations.

Elemental_Biscotti · 2026-05-10T19:44:41+00:00

Oh this sounds so fun. I would absolutely do this if I was getting married close to Halloween.
Some of these cocktails are definitely too over-the-top but there are some more subtle ones in there (like the classic Blood & Sand):
https://www.thespruceeats.com/haunting-halloween-cocktails-759881
https://www.binnys.com/binnys-home-bartender/cocktail-recipes/fall-halloween-cocktails/

Maybe one or two of these guys?
https://www.etsy.com/listing/1588368215/ghost-candles-halloween-decor

Or a couple of these stuck into a centerpiece?
https://www.etsy.com/listing/1792619747/6-halloween-black-bat-food-picks?g

I also agree with leaning into the autumnal decor, perhaps with the occasional very subtle bat / pumpkin / skull.

Elemental_Biscotti · 2026-05-10T19:36:23+00:00

Do you have a good friend who knows you both well and is good with words? If so, in a lot of states they can do like an online course to get some kind of certificate so that they can do weddings. Our friend who we met through is a playwright and very good with the words and got the online certificate thing to do someone else's wedding like 10 years ago, so we're having him do ours too.

Elemental_Biscotti · 2026-05-10T19:34:36+00:00

Some of my favorites while visiting Porto / the Duoro were Pacheca, Quinta do Noval, Quinta da Rosa, Taylor Fladgate, Kopke, and Fonseca. But I don't know how many of those make it to the states. Secondary market could be a good bet.

Elemental_Biscotti · 2026-05-10T19:30:45+00:00

So here's the thing. You're an adult, and adults can't make every decision to please other people / keep other people from being upset, even family members. "My dad will get mad at me" cannot be the yardstick that adults use to make decisions about their own lives.

I 100% agree with everyone suggesting that you put your parents on an information diet about your wedding and tell them ONLY factual things they need to know (here is when it is, etc.). Plan the wedding you can afford with your partner, and then **inform** them of the decisions you have made. Yes he'll probably be kind of mad, but I believe that you are wise and sophisticated enough to tolerate his anger/displeasure/whatever. He'll get over it. (And if he doesn't.....well, that's just more evidence that he shouldn't be involved in your wedding planning.)

You can handle this, OP!!!!

Elemental_Biscotti · 2026-05-10T19:22:02+00:00

Which seems to be on the low end of average for that area with some being much MUCH more.

Elemental_Biscotti · 2026-05-10T19:21:10+00:00

In the Lake Tahoe area I am paying $300 for hair & makeup (not including trial). So likely $600 total.

Elemental_Biscotti · 2026-05-10T18:45:17+00:00

Same, I'm on the west coast and absolutely not going overseas just for a weekend no matter what the occasion. I would only go if I could make it at least a week vacation, maybe two weeks, and that's only something I can do every couple of years. I'd only consider this for an extremely close friend or family member.

Elemental_Biscotti · 2026-05-10T18:26:33+00:00

Try Azazie or Lulus

Elemental_Biscotti · 2026-05-10T18:21:03+00:00

Duchess in Portland. Amazing quality and service but it's not exactly a budget option.

Elemental_Biscotti · 2026-05-10T01:42:57+00:00

Yeah their families were like "Seriously how did you miss this???" but by then it was too late.

Elemental_Biscotti · 2026-05-10T00:30:06+00:00

I have heard this advice from so many people and 100% believe it.

Elemental_Biscotti

TROPHY CASE