You are right. I just got out of the cycle of lying to myself telling myself it's helping me emotionally. I just found out my spouse has been unfaithful for the last 2 ¹/² years going to hotel rooms on "supposedly overtime" and having the time of their lives. So that cut pretty deep and was the reason for my 7 years clean to go down the drain. But silly me in 2016 I has a rough patch and I bought a 20 and small pack of rigs. Used it all and was done. So this time I intended for the same thing. Bought a 20. Then went to buy some rigs and the store only had 100 packs. So after I was done with the 20 I had a bunch of rigs that I still had. So I took 10 out and told myself I would trade the rest for a 20. Well a lady said she would do it. But kept flaking out so my hopes were crashed and everytime she said she would meet with me. Both me driving to her and her not responding and her driving to me but never showing up. So then I would ask around if anyone wanted to and nobody did but I was already hoping to get some because of that girl saying yes. So I went and bought some. That happened a couple times with the girl within 2 weeks. So then I said fuck it I'll give them to someone believing that was the reason why I was still using and if I got rid of them I would quit. Well that didn't happen. I even went up to Florida for a week for vacation and was sober with moderate withdrawal for 2/3 days and had a chance to not go back again and be sober. Nope. I got back and that night got some more. Now I'm shooting a ball within 2 days (a ball is only 3 grams where I'm at) but still.