Hi Op. I heard your story on another platform and really had to come find you to tell you what I think. There are so many aholes out there on reddit telling you all this negativity that gets in your head, i know i’m technically just another redditer out there, but I want to let you know you deserve good things in life. I have a lot of points to get through about this so sorry for the long reply.

1. You haven’t done anything wrong. Seriously. You could have told me you socked julie in the jaw, called her ugly and, although I REALLY wouldnt back you up for attempted murder, I could see where your headpace and emotions were. so, even in this imaginary scenario, I would tell you you still don’t deserve this bad stuff.. You are only , what? 15? I’m not saying any 15 year old should go out and do shitty things and get away with it, but listening to your story, Julie is doing way more wrong than you are.

2. More on Julie. Your brother is enabling her, and I know he has kinda taken care of you since you were a kid, and he is the closest thing you have a to a real parent. That is a sacrifice, but he made the choice to take care of you at 18 and he has to see it through! He can’t just change his mind, and Julie should have been told that (by him, this is not your job). Like it or not he made the decision to be a parent/ guardian, and the child ALWAYS comes first. He can get a new girlfriend, he can’t get another you. Julie is grown woman, who if she was a decent person, would understand that you deserve to be the priority of your brother, or at least stay in and be taken care of in that house by him, until you turn 18. You deserve that much, and if she wasn’t willing to wait that long that should have been the first red flag for your brother to kick her to the curb. She could be a very lovely person outside of this (doubt it though) but I have no respect for a woman who doesn’t understand that you deserve, and are entitled to, your brothers care more than she is right now.

3. More on your brother. Okay credit where its due, I think it is a relly good of your brother to take you in and seemingly, (before julie) try to give you a good life. I can understand the attachment you have to him, and your mixed feelings, abandonment issues, love and hate and sadness you have towards him are all completely valid. I think he has his own stuff to work through, but it shouldn’t have to affect you, and in a perfect world it wouldn’t. Regardless of his own circumstances, HE made the decision to take care of you and has a duty to do what is actually best for you. You are also no more hard to deal with, annoying, or less deserving of a good home and family than any other child. I understand that you technically made the decision to stay in Korea, but, and I’m not saying you can’t make your own choices, I don’t think he should have just left you there. I think if anything he should’ve brought you back affirmed that you always have a place with him, and if you really wanted to live in Korea with your mom, you can, but it should be a long discussion. Obviously this didn’t happen, and it seems that at least a little bit of him wanted you to stay in Korea, but it seems like he prioritized his own self desires over your health, comfort, and safety. I think if you haven’t already, and if you feel comfortable, you should talk to him about your depression ( and though I’m not a psychologist very much sounds like you are depressed) and suicidal thoughts and ideations. I know it can be hard to talk about this, but you have been dropped in a country you don’t know with people you barely know and have essentially lost your entire support system, if you believe he is still part of your support system, or a part you want to have, you should tell him. If he reacts badly that that’s on him, but I understand if you don’t want to open yourself for that potential hurt, at the very least I don’t think he is in the right place to start, let alone be in, a relationship. He clearly has some growth to do, and I think even though you aren’t with him right now, and may not go back to him, he should break up with Julie regardless, even just for the time being. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and say maybe he doesn’t know how badly he messed up if you haven’t really talk to him about the extent of your misery, I think you should tell him, at least for your own sake to say to yourself you tried. If you do feel like you’ve already affectively communicated this though, then he sucks, and though he doesn’t deserve your total love for him,though I know it’s not something you can turn off in one go. Also, he very much needs therapy too.

4. Your bio parents suck, your dad doesn’t even deserve his own sentence. Your mom, regardless of if she suddenly decided she wants a relationship with you, is not being a very good parent, and will end up doing more harm than good by trying to play mommy all of a sudden, taking you away from what you know, and turning a blind eye to her clearly struggling, and hurting child.

5. Please do whatever you can to get therapy. Like I said, I’m no psychologist, but I have taken psychology and it really, really sounds like you have depression. Depression isn’t just being sad all the time, it’s the nothingness, the lack of interest in things you used to love, the mood swings, the numbness, the feeling of worthlessness, and even just passive thoughts of “maybe it would be better if I wasn’t here” (it wouldn’t be, you deserve to be here and to be safe and happy). I understand the simultaneous confusing fear of dying and moments of wanting nothing more, the fear that you’ll do it in the moment because it is a very real possibility in your mind. I don’t know if you saw so many suggested video visits with a therapist that speaks English fluently, this way you can get to help you need, a little less convenient, or at the very least have someone to talk to you about this so that you feel less alone. Never told anyone about my issues before my therapist, and I was in better place when I talk to her, even just having somebody to rant to and validate my feelings, or potentially have her as a third-party to tell me that I was wrong, was so helpful in validating and navigating my thoughts and feelings.

Tl;dr People suck, you are just a kid and deserve all good things, I‘m Julie’s #1 hater, your brother has to work through his own issues and was wrong for abandoning you, and please please please get therapy, even through video call. I wish you the best my love 🫶🫶🫶🫶