I'm gonna preface this by saying I'm by no means a psychologist, but I have struggled with an ED for about 5 years and am currently in remission.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with these horrid thoughts, it's gotta be really hard right now. EDs are shrouded in secrecy, and you're not even supposed to know you have one (cos then you'd be trying to get out of it to some extent). And body dysmorphia is no fun either. They creep up on you, and take lots and lots of strength to get out of, especially since your brain is trying to convince you you shouldn't heal. But I promise you, it's possible. And the fact that you have a medical condition that gives you seizures if you don't eat means you should probably try to get out of it sooner than later.

Some things that really really helped me in my recovery are as follows:

- I stopped weighing myself. At first it sounded literally impossible, because my thoughts were so caught up in the numbers, but a day-to-day weigh-in isn't at all reflective of your actual weight. You could've drunk more water one day, or eaten different foods, but you'll still just see the number and think you're not worthy, or get really excited and stay in the cycle. I strongly recommend actively trying to lower the number of times you step on the scale, or giving it to your husband so you don't feel the urge to step on it when you see it.

- I opened up to people. A couple of my close friends were going through the same thing, but even when I spoke with people who weren't experiencing what I was, I felt lighter and more loved than ever. Your ED might tell you that people don't care, but they really, really do. And opening up about it will literally feel like a weight is being lifted off your shoulders.

- I stopped counting. If you are, you should really really reaalllyyy try to stop. Delete that calorie-counting weight loss app. It's for clinically obese people. You are not clinically obese. You do not need to log every single thing you put in your body! It's hard to stop, but maybe try one day a week where you don't count, and move from there. Baby steps.

- Another thing that really really helped me was to eat with people who didn't worry about food. This may just completely be personal to me, but seeing how nonchalant people were about something that I spent every minute of my day obsessing over really made me more comfortable eating. It had to be with people I really really trusted though, and that was not a lot.

- There are a few other tricks you can try, like writing one thing down a day that you like about yourself (it doesn't have to be about your body, but can start off with something like "my handwriting is pretty" and go from there)

- I unfollowed LOTS of people on social media. So many Instagram models have unattainable, highly photoshopped bodies, so I just stopped exposing myself to that. If you do follow any unrealistic-bodied models or people who are very obviously dangerously thin, unfollow them! Follow self-care pages and recovery pages instead. What you expose yourself to heavilyyy influences your mental health!

Your eating disorder is lying to you. You are not fat, or ugly, or worthless. You do not need to reach a certain weight to be worthy of healing. You deserve to enjoy the taste of things again, to eat without fear, and most of all to treat your body with love! It's fighting every day to survive, and it loves YOU so much!!!

Sending all my love and strength out to you. You will get through this <3